ive recently discovered fark.com. this one made me laugh:

Teenager playing in the Little League World Series having the time of his life a year after he was diagnosed with Tourette's Syndrome, a disorder which DAMMIT CRAPFACE ASSHEAD

i hiked a mountain the other day. katahdin. its a big one. i defeated it and then drank some vodka. this vacation is amazing. ill have to move soon though. that will be unpleasant. redsox. yes dude.

When you're in an auto accident, do you: A) Calmly wait for police to arrive? B) Flee to your house, grab a sword and wooden mallet, put on medieval protection and tell the police, "I have a thousand years of power"?

other than teams actually in the NL West, there are seven team in the majors who wouldnt be leading the division:

Tampa Bay
Detroit
Kansas City
Seattle
Milwaukee
Cincinnati
Pittsburgh

the national league is stupid and bad.

here is an exam i failed today. anyone reading this knows as much as i do about the topic. you have two and a half hours. GO:

Object Name:

a stripper

Quantity:

1

Physical Characteristics:

she has a 2 foot diameter. this gives her a waist of almost 77 inches. at first, this sounds like a little much. till i remembered she was taking 0.01685 cum's per hour to the ol' feedpipe. and at 1000 liters per cum (thats not an exaggeration but rather an exact value) our stripper has to take 16.85 liters per hour. for 330 days straight. therefore its not suprising that she is so, uh, "big-boned" and thirsty. also she is like 10 feet tall. shes awesome. she calls me doctor johnston.

(actual values used)

Coming Soon: Initial cost and cost of use for one stripper

i have so many good pictures and i may never post them. some from long, long ago. some from last weekend. you will be blessed if i should rise from my kinetics long enough to scan them and/or take them from computer files. or something. im a little drunk. its difficult to type correctly.

had a party at my moms house on sat. is was pretty good. sorry about abbreviating saturday, i dont know what i was thinking. i realize i could change it easily and quickly, but i wont. anyway, thanks to all the shmoes who came. i wont bother to try and list them all, only a couple kids i havent seen in a while: emerson, cory, swainy. ummm, i dont have much to say honestly. classes are killing me. it is really quite silly how much work i have to do. when i was home i did pick up some old school pictures and i journal i was forced to write in health class in 10th grade. here is an excerpt:

9/23/98

i hate being forced to write in my journal. i hate this. i hate this. i hate this. i hate this. i hate this. i hate this. i hate this. i hate this.i hate this. i hate this. i hate health class a lot. im sick, tired, happy, etc. this class drags on very slow. i cant wait until second semester. this class sucks. this class sucks. mrs. chiarella is stupid. i hate her she is annoying.

as you can see, my writing hasnt improved much. and i really liked health class. heres another of my favorites:

1/5/99

i ate 4 cookies and a pack of cheese on cheese crackers. 2 small glasses of water.

i didnt have much to say then either i guess. one more for the road:

9/7/98

i dont feel very good today. this is wicked stupid. i hate school and want it to be attacked by dinosaurs. i wish israeli terrorists would come and just gun down one of every 5 people randomly. maybe 1 out of 4. i feel like im going to die. i dont want to be here. i wish i was drunk off my ass.

how i wasnt reported to the police, i dont know.

Current Stats for Mark Bellhorn as of 7/6:

Games Played: 78
Strikeouts: 97
Plate Appearances: 310

Based on these numbers, Bellhorn is averaging 3.97 plate appearances a game

everytime he gets up, there is a 31.3% chance he will strikeout. nearly 1 out of 3, and averaging almost 4 appearances a game, he is averaging over 1 strikeout per game played (1.24 per game). he is an incredible asset.

ah, yes. classes. aka far-from-daily-entry time. ill try.

some pitcher (Brian Denney) just got his face smashed with a line drive. i guess hes the same guy who got shot while riding the team bus in september. as sportscenter reminded me, he was wearing some sort of go-go boot at the time. i guess it helped. whatever.

went home this weekend. here is a recap:

friday night me, luke and ben went to the enfield fair. it was awesome. first we went to the land of oz. some kind of cooky funhouse with many many heavy swinging metal objects and dangerous chains, gongs, and blades. pretty good. then we hit up the tiltawhirl and the tornado. both decent. then we went back to the tiltawhirl. then we did the big slide. as i recall i won. saw owen, joy, margaret, jon, probably more.

saturday timeline:

930 am: i awake on bens couch with dogs eating my face. luke is similarly attacked awakening him from his couch.
1015 am: wally yells at us for something, and makes us go get the mail and drop off the recycling.
1030 am: we get the mail and go to mickeys (janets) for smashfest. i had hoped roxy would pick up the tab. she did not. neither did nicky.
1115 am: we load up the revolting bins of recyclables and head off to the dump.
1200 pm: post dump, we go to lukes dads house so we can get the study book from hazel.
1201 pm: hazel yells.
1202 pm: hazel is temporarily subdued with punches to the face.
1215 pm: we escape with her study book and her notes to take our boating exam at bens house.
1245 pm: first beer cracked. luke and i toil over the horrible 75 question exam and dig through the notes and study guide. ben falls asleep with a bag of chips on his chest.
115 pm: mysteriously we had to restart the exam, and surprise: new questions.
145 pm: 5th beer cracked. we have to restart again. we find out its because there is a button on the side of the mouse that is a back button. we flip flop back and forth a few times to verify.
147 pm: yes. new test. we are getting pretty good at looking up the answers now.
230 pm: completed all 75 questions. we are no longer counting beers. we submit our test.
232 pm: after pyle fills in payment info we get our result: failed.
234 pm: new test. we need 80% and we just got 74%.
300 pm: second submission accepted. we pay again. result: pass.
301 pm: we wake ben up and return to the pyles. run down to his boat and take off.

etc. we do stuff on the boat, drink, smoke, swim, fish. this running diary thing is killing me. anyway, later that night went to ryans field and partied ALL NIGHT LONG. it was crazy. sorry about brendon getting a dui, and brent one 3 weeks ago. also, my little brother needs to not drive drunk. idiot. in more bad news, pyles house burned down recently after being struck by lightning. so i didnt get a gun, or shoot one, or anything.

bowling at jillians with the girls. i did poorly. hamel led the way with 750 points. i had 3. i was impressed, but then i heard someone say that his parents bowl and with that kind of advantage its not fair. anyway, how about the scariest mickey-mouse picture i have ever seen. seriously freaky.

going home to nh today. hopefully shoot'n guns.

redsox. yes dude. pistons. you cost me some of my hard earned money you jerks. on a semi-related note, i saw high-definition tv last night for the first time (its true), and i take back any bad things i ever said about it.

dont click on this

it wasnt me.

i almost bought this today. i would of if i thought its cheaply manufactured plastic parts could endure many full sized drunks spinning their way to vomit town.

i wont buy anything without a hemi

i have soooooo checked out. not only do i show up late and hungover, but ive been leaving several hours early. i am cool.

highschool nicknames that crack me up still:

Manranda
The Big 3:
-Gaychel
-Gaydrienne
-Jeffica

how good would a slip-and-slide be right now?

i am currently working on a screenplay for the tv miniseries: "Carmen Sandiego, Where the Fuck is She?"