two predictions were proved false last evening. prediction 1: the jaguar will defeat the anaconda. this one wasnt even close. from the very beginning the anaconda was in control. after being snapped in the neck and constricted under water the jaguar appears down and out. but wait, for some unknown reason, the anaconda starts to swim away and the jaguar makes a half-hearted attempt at reclaiming victory. to no avail. prediction 2: i predicted at the beginning of this season of idol that a white guy would win. i based this solely on the following information:

idol 1: Kelly Clarkson (white female)
idol 2: Ruben Stoddard (black male)
idol 3: Fantasia Something (black female)

if my pattern recognition skills are worth anything, and they are, the next in line should have been a white male. however, america feels differently. while the newest american idol is not a white guy, i propose that a white guy did in fact win. the white mans name: (Sir?) Rupert Murdoch. and he won bigtime. suckering millions into spending hours watching idol on his fox network, all to see another idol crowned and another couple (at best ...) crappy albums be force-fed to the american public via television and radio. new prediction: if there is another season of idol, someone of hispanic decent will be the idol, but yet again, a white guy will win. probably lots of white guys actually. but not this white guy.

ben and i were discussing the touristic (is that a word?) allure of cleveland. it was suggested that no one has EVER gone to cleveland for vacation not involving a sports game or visiting family. for my part, the only non-sports things about cleveland i know is that Drew Carey is based there and it is in ohio. and i owe that knowledge to one of Drew Careys heinous theme songs. not an appealing city.

writing about that reminds me of the southwest airline commercial about philadelphia. incredibly poorly done after analysis:

"It's like a baby New York" - said by a business man apparently interviewed in a cab. if i had to guess i would say he was from new york and was belittling, rather than complimenting philly.

"There's a lot of great restaurants" - said by someone clearly AT WORK in a restaurant. not exactly the most impartial commentor.

my favorite,
"There's a lotta, lotta culture" - said by a cab driver. if a cab driver is your best advocate for intriguing culture, you may want to rethink your tactics.

and finally, the montage of multiple people saying,
"CHEESESTEAK" - the most memorable of these is Gino, of Gino's Cheese Steaks. while not as comical as the cultured cabby, ill admit that he makes a fine cheese steak. AND he wears a greasy t-shirt promoting his cheese shack.

i have come up with a (tentative) list of skills i need (want) to learn before i turn 30:

welding
masonry
gardening/horticulture
small engine repair
automotive repair
carpentry/woodworking
metal working
electrical wiring and circuitry
plumbing
animal husbandry

i also want to do/learn about some specific organic analytical testing procedures and some stuff on alternate fuel sources (vegetable diesel, solar and hydroelectric, hydrogen fuel cells, etc) and molecular biology. throw in a mechanical engineering degree and i should be somewhere close to where i want to be. id like to improve my technical skills a bit too (read: computer skills), and it wouldnt hurt to learn to cook. ummmmm, id also like to be more well-read and well-traveled than i am now. plus id like to be able to sail, and maybe renew my SCUBA license. or become EMT trained.

we shall see. after looking at the "completed" list i may need to more than 7 years to do all that.

i saw a brilliant pop-up ad (seriously) this morning and ever since x-ing the box ive been desperately trying to get it to "pop-up" again. unfortunately, to the IT guys or whoever monitors my internet usage, my history consists of dozens of angelfire and other websites (porn) that have all been refreshed 10-20 times.

im looking forward to the Animal Face-Off scheduled to air on animal planet tomorrow night at 8. on tap: Jaguar vs. Anaconda. my vote is for the jaguar. snakes are pussies. plus i kinda like saying the word jaguar, while the word anaconda does nothing for me whatsoever.

Black Girl

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan
of yours.

As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed.
The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game,
and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside
chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the
midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately
I've been wondering about your intentions. While I
want to believe that you have my best interests at
heart, I feel that your influence has led to some
unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that
communication is important, I question the suggestion
that any conversation of substance or necessity take
place after 2 am. Why would you make me call those
ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they
do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone
all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why
do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce,
along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips
(washed down with wine & topped off with a Kit Kat
after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an
electric eater, but sometimes you go too far.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me
that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I
see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to
fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black
& blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the
next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never
take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key
into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This
is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our
previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the
3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My
entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper
precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread
products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out
face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn,
the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere
with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years
now & would like to ensure that we remain on good
terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the
provocation for much laughter, and the needed
companion when I just don't know what to do with the
extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this
friendship, I ask that you carefully review my
grievances above & address them immediately. I will
look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm
(pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions &
hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your Biggest Fan


p.s. - Things that are difficult to say when drunk:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
5. Specificity


p.p.s. - Things that are downright impossible to say
when drunk:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

i just read this. it is about the possibility of making a doggy-dna database (having just coined the term, im off to the copywright office) so that dog piles (read: piles of shit) can be identified and owners fined. in austria. this to me sounds like a fabulous idea. while fines already exist, it is nearly impossible to catch someone doing it. the fine would include the cost for dna testing as well as the actual fine itself. this is technology doing what it is supposed to: make laws more enforceable. the critics of the bill mention at the end of the article that this would create "a police state". now, im more concious than most that our liberties are getting sniped by the government at an unheard of rate (i think another Patriot act just got signed). however, i think the phrase POLICE STATE might be a little over the top for enforcing an already existing law which only penalizes those who dont clean up their dogs shit off the street. maybe its just me, but the less dog shit i see, the happier i am.

what if the same thing happened in the US when radar guns started being used to catch people speeding: How dare they more accurately enforce existing laws that i pretend to abide by. This use of technology is appalling. I cannot believe that they no longer sit idly by and let me break the law even though perfectly reasonable methods exist to monitor my oh-so-private car velocity at no cost to me at all. ridiculous.

im reading Cryptonomicon now. its long. but pretty good so far.

i tried to meet up with pyle and burnsy on saturday night, but the line outside Gypsy was too long. so we stood there for awhile, then stood outside The Big Easy for another bit. we finally decided to go to Our House like usual. at some point later in the evening i decided to start punching the walls of my house. retrospectively a poor move. my hand is a little scraped up. i also think i may have lost my wallet at some point in the night.

is the weather crappy where everyone else is? cause it sucks donkey hog here.