here is a series of emails sent out around last november that made their way to my inbox:
First Message
Subject : A Message from Squanto: Thank Me
I am Squanto of the oft mentioned Thanksgiving Indian tribe. I require that in remembrance of our outrageous generosity to you and your filthy pilgrims you destroy every copy of A New World, starring Colin Farrell. It is a bad film with absolutely no mention of me. Also, I would like a shrine dedicated to Pocahontas, who was taken advantage of by one Captain John Smith. She was 10 for Christ's sake. Check out this biography (rather thorough if I do say so myself) found on your internets.
The person I read about was Pocahontas. Pocahontas was a young girl who helped the first English settlers in America. Pocahontas was born in Virginia about 1595. She was a girl who helped her family. Pocahontas had a baby. She died when she was only 21. She lived in London and America. She was famous because she saved John Smith. I like Pocahontas. She died in 1895.
Perhaps at the end of her 300 year life she got over the molestations by a rotten Englishman. There are other excellent biographies at the same location (http://www.pocanticohills.org/fitzgerald/97/2fbios.htm), although mine I'm not particularly fond of. Makes me look like a fool. Da Vinci's is worse though. "His father made him do it all".
That is all, almost. Does anyone know how to post links in Yahoo without writing out the whole url? Can you use HTML? This is bugging me. That is all.
-Squanto
ps. Thanks for the blankets.
Second Message
Subject : Re: A Message from Squanto: Thank Me
Squanto, your transparent attempts to gain sympathy for your casino loving people grow wearisome. Far too much has been made of your "assistance" to the Pilgrims - they were repressed religious fanatics who thought it would be a good idea to start building a town in Massachusetts in the end of December, and didn't bring their winter jackets or any extra food. So you taught them how to catch fish and to fertilize their crops with poop? big fucking whoop. Hardly justification for your silly little "sovereign nations" of cheap gasoline and non-taxable gambling.
Keep up the tired rhetoric, and me and my buddy Custer will go Tippecanoe and Trail of Tears on your ass so fast it will make your head spin. That is, if your head isn't already spinning from your girl-like tolerance to "fire water". Everyone knows that real civilizations can drink lots of booze, and have high immunities to sickness as a result of living in their own squalor and filth.
So do us all a favor and take a memo: quit being little bitches and accept the fact that any civilization stupid enough to sell Manhattan for a couple of seashells doesn't deserve to exist.
Oh wait - a memo would require you to have a written language, wouldn't it? pathetic. Oral tradition is for pussies.
-Capt. John Smith
p.s. that Pocahontas bitch got exactly what she had coming to her, the little cock tease. She couldn't find anyone of her own kind to satisfy her, and everyone knows that white man-juice tastes better than red. Besides, the girl was bat-shit insane - paint with the colors of the wind? What the fuck does that even mean?
Third Message
Subject : Captain Shmaptain
Dear Mr. Smith,
I spent several sad minutes perusing the hate monger literature that you had the audacity to send. I apologize for nothing. Ever.
Firstly, let me say there's no need to be embarrassed: Jamestown was a nightmare, and you needed help from a "savage" child. Difficult times to be sure. So why not get advice from the locals? I mean, have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon? I doubt it. And can you talk to bobcats?
In regards to our highly profitable casinos: they don't come close to repaying the debt owed us for being exiled to the friggin desert while our homeland and our women were raped. Besides, everyone likes to gamble and now you don't have to go all the way to over-hyped Las Vegas or disgusting Atlantic city. Afterall, when life gives you lemons and a one way ticket to a desolate wasteland, build casinos. If life gave you lemons, what would you do? Attempt a daring daylight robbery of Fort Knox on elephant-back? That's the dumbest thing I ever heard.
You are the second most overated individual from Americana lore behind Christopher "I discovered the Bahamas" Columbus. You contributed nothing. Only stole sweet prepubescent Indian virginity. Disgusting. You'll pay with your scalp Johnny boy. And don't worry about Custer. He'll get his along with Captain Algren and the rest of the Samurai.
-Squanto
p.s. I took your mother out for a nice seafood dinner and never called her again
Next Message
Subject : Re: Captain Shmaptain
Hey, leave me out of this. The Samurai were true caretakers of our fair planet, Teegeeack. And even without the aid of the L. Ron Hubbard's teachings, they were a people who through discipline and focus were able to dispose of many of their body thetans - a feat that no one today is capable of duplicating (without thousands and thousands of dollars in donations to the CoS).
Enemies of Xenu are friends of us all.
Sincerely,
Nathan Algren