so after a few beers i decided that my facebook relationship status was disappointingly unfilled in. here are what i have, most are not, and will not be confirmed so this is the only venue in which they will appear.

You and Brianne hooked up in 1955 and it was mediocre.
You went to elementary school with Brianne.

You and Shelly met randomly in 1970: in a vietnam POW camp.

You and J Dooling met randomly in 2006: this kid facebooked me and i dont know him.
You are Facebook friends.

You are Chris' father.
You hooked up in 1987 and it was incest.
You dated but now you aren't speaking. It's complicated.

You and Michael met randomly in 2002: i lived near him freshman year of college and fell in love with his sister.

You are Ravi's father.

You and Osi met randomly: this kid told me he killed a lion with a spear.

You and Angela hooked up and it was like sleeping with jesus. but a cute lady jesus.

You and Bailey lived in the moon in 1988.

You went to middle school with Jessie.
You met randomly: and i havent seen her in 10 years.

You are Ben's father.
You know Ben through a friend.

You and Ashley hooked up and it was wierd when i realized that it wasnt ashley at all.

You and Crystal worked at an illegal prostitution death camp.

You and Kim worked at some job one time.

You and Adam lived in his teepee with his sweet assed sisters. one of whom now has a baby.

i was listening to the diane rehm show on npr coming home from raymond yesterday morning. there is an unfortunate dead spot of radio for about 15 minutes where only npr comes in. its tough. anyway, she sounds like shes 450 years old and has different experts to discuss some terrible subject. yesterday it was (or atleast the portion i heard) the growing inequality of wealth. they talked a lot and disagreed with each others "facts". heres what i got out of it: CEO's make a lot of money. and i think they should. its probably a very hard job or atleast they had to excel at several difficult jobs before being chosen CEO. they deserve the cash, let em have it. next, the same goes for high skill jobs. admittedly, im a little bias on this issue, but the same basic principle as the CEO issue is involved. if less people can do the job, then you should be paid more for it. especially if it requires a large amount of costly schooling (i.e. lawyers, doctors, scientists, etc). included in this discussion of inequal wealth distribution came the issue of health care. my own opinions aside, what i never have heard anyone mention in all of this expansive issues debate is the following: healthcare costs are rising in part because, guess what, we can treat more shit now. naturally premiums will have to be higher if there is a greater chance of an individual getting treated for myriad diseases and illnesses that are now curable/preventable/treatable.

incidentally, while looking for something suitable in the radio dead spot zone, i came across some sort of dance remix of Mr. Brightside. not good.

Un-True Story

setting: cumberland farms, boscawen, nh, approximately 4:30 pm

i bought some gas and asked for a scratch ticket. i was carded. i said something like, okay, then paid and left. as im walking out the door a woman who was apparently behind me says to the cashier, "atleast he didnt punch you in the face when you carded him". i walked back in and punched her in the face.

True Story

setting: cumberland farms, boscawen, nh, approximately 4:30 pm

i bought some gas and asked for a scratch ticket. i was carded. i said something like, okay, then paid and left. as im walking out the door a woman who was apparently behind me says to the cashier, "atleast he didnt punch you in the face when you carded him". i immediately turned around and said, "lady, im not even sure what that is supposed to mean, but you should wait to talk about someone in 3rd person until they are out of earshot".

so i went to a career fair at uvm on wednesday. long drive on a bad road. a bit of a bust if i may say so. most of the booths were non-profit biodiesel or other green technology groups. the most common sales pitch was: yeah man, this stuff is good for the environment and stuff. how enticing. i met up with my mike and walked around burlington for a little while. i was supposed to see angela, but she blew me off. bitch. highlights of our trip include jambos junktiques and the basement mexican place. the mexican place was deserted and apparently employs only a single serial killer. he nearly murdered us both.

st. pattys i went to boston with jacob. bates and dan poitress somehow found us later. pretty good times ... i returned to my car to find my folder of schoolwork (which incidentally has my printed up resumes) completely sopping with johnnie walker black label. nice. now my car reeks of whiskey and my homework doesnt smell too hot either.

i have heard that each sneeze is a 10th of an orgasm. while i enjoy the hell out of sneezing, i just sneezed 7 times within 18 seconds and im skeptical that the other 3 would have done it. ill take the orgasm. double.

i was watching the news tonight. kirby puckett died. holy shit.

also: people are scumbags.

well, that was windy. a terrible sequence of weather. i spent much of yesterday helping others drag trees off my road. with the power outage, i decided to get very drunk. i did.

thanks to becka and jacob for driving me home and saving the inevitable car crash i would have encountered. as i woke up this morning, my mom was asking where my car was. it was 730 am. i mumbled something like, "i dunno at jacobs or the bates' or something". what was my mothers reply? "did you get a dui or something, where is the car?" her first impulse was that i had broken the law and gotten busted, rather than the truth: i was too drunk to drive, so i had people drive me home. thanks mom.

WWJD. the ultimate question. the answer probably isnt: make an illegal copy of "the passion" in order to avoid purchasing it myself. sorry jesus. and mel.

is it: 'for all intensive purposes ...' or 'for all intents and purposes ...'

i am a mastermind conservationist. i conserved the shit out of electricity and water today. i deserve a medal.

im taking a class at unh. statistics in sociology. it makes me want to cry knowing sociology majors graduate by taking classes like this. ridiculous. i woke up from one of my many naps during said class and noted the whole class furiously scribbling in their noteboks. as i looked to the board i saw what my classmates were so studiously writing: data = information. i went back to bed.

so i have my car, it is bad. my brakes are gone to shit and i get the fun metal on metal sound when i use them. i broke the handle of the driverside door so i have to use pliars to open it.

after me jacob and bates were leaving kevins house from a drunken poker game, jacobs rear windshield shattered. very exciting. i woke up with pockets full of safety glass. nothing like driving home drunk with no rear windshield.

as i look for a real job, i have decided to find temporary employment till my tax return comes back. my sister is getting me a job as a substitute teacher at her school. also, im applying for a stay at home job transcribing phone conversations. im also interested in some sort of night watchman position.

i just saw lost in translation. a little slow. but the song during the strip club scene was brilliant. i believe it goes a little something like this: "sucking on my titties like you want me to, sucking on my titties like you want me to" and on and on in that fashion.

speaking of strip clubs. i visited our local skin bar in the booming metropolis of white river jct: hardbodies. there is a young lady currently employed that was in sixth grade when i was a senior in highschool. she still goes to my highschool. you better believe i paid the 15 bucks for a lap dance during which i made her feel very uncomfortable. the men in the tight black shirts wearing secret servicesque earpieces made it clear i should leave.

i am hopelessly addicted to the show Lost. it is pretty good.

that was one of the worst superbowls. second perhaps to that one san diego was in. i did however check out the second annual puppybowl. brilliant.

my phone is a large piece of crap. often i get text and voice messages weeks after they were left. also, it turns out no one can hear me when i call, i can hear them fine, but they hear a bit of static before they are disconnected. too bad i cant afford a new one.

if you would like to reach me, call my home phone number. its in the book.

pyle invited a girl over for the sole purpose of allowing me to be a jerk to her. he bet me 50 bucks i couldnt make her cry. while she didnt cry i did get slapped 3 times and punched in the groin. i slept with her hours later.

a side note, pyles roomates resemble playmates. beautiful little angry ladies. they didnt respond well to me falling on my face and spilling beer in their beds.

i often come up with witty stories and anecdotes while driving. i forget them all. hence this big list of not important tidbits. see you in a month.

i have graduated. sort of. i need one more class, but i will be taking it at UNH, not northeastern, so i am home in canaan. now, for a list of what ive been up to in a non-sensical list thingy:

i got a new maxim: cindy crawford is on the cover. not much skin in the pictorials though. a bit of a letdown.

i will be writing much fewer blogs because i have dial-up at home, and the internet is terrible.

im currently doing a puzzle (yes its exciting for me these days), on the constellations and shit. now, ill accept that a scalene triangle is a bull, but the constellation representing a snake? come on. how lame is that. about 10 stars connected in a line weaving all over the sky? that isnt a constellation you stupid ancient peoples.

currently im enjoying a nice cracker and candy dinner, while playing microsoft hearts.

michele is a bitch, and ben sucks hard. i dont mind pauline but occasionally she beats me.

i fly to michigan in a few days to pick up my dream car: 1995 Toyota Camry with 300k + miles on it. and i get to drive it back. yippee.

michigan, among others im told, doesnt require inspection of vehicles.

i fell asleep for the third time today watching troy.

ummmmm, thats pretty much it.

i had a weird ass dream last night. sadly, the details have left me, but i guess me and hamel were walking down some street and saw a baby on the bumper of a littledebbies truck. hamel rushed out and saved it. but a cop arrested him for assault on a minor or something. the cop said if hamel just called his parents there wouldnt be a problem. i told the cop that hamel was over 18 and so calling his parents was unnecessary. i was arrested. no reason given. also, my legs were unbelievably sore, like when you work em out after not doing so for a long time. the cop thought i was drunk cause everytime they (my legs) bent a little, i buckled over and had to struggle to stand up again. that is all.

check this out. would have been slightly inappropriate for our final presentation.

based on zero research, i have come to the following conclusion:

john c. mcginley is the most underrated actor of all-time.

if you havent read the new Maddox post, then dont. it bad mouths my beloved home state of new hampshire. the post does center on the hilariously boring state of idaho .... but dont read it.

see what i did there?

Walk the Line - Johnny Cash ... real good. check out live at san quentin. ive been listening to it for 6 months and it continues to blow my mind.

i almost got beat up by bobby mcpsycho tonight. only my deft avoidance of racial issues allowed me to live. take it easy bobby.

"You've always been the type to see the glass half-full, but that will change next week when you start drinking"

tell me who i stole this from and you win a prize.