i saw a brilliant pop-up ad (seriously) this morning and ever since x-ing the box ive been desperately trying to get it to "pop-up" again. unfortunately, to the IT guys or whoever monitors my internet usage, my history consists of dozens of angelfire and other websites (porn) that have all been refreshed 10-20 times.

im looking forward to the Animal Face-Off scheduled to air on animal planet tomorrow night at 8. on tap: Jaguar vs. Anaconda. my vote is for the jaguar. snakes are pussies. plus i kinda like saying the word jaguar, while the word anaconda does nothing for me whatsoever.

Black Girl

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan
of yours.

As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed.
The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game,
and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside
chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the
midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately
I've been wondering about your intentions. While I
want to believe that you have my best interests at
heart, I feel that your influence has led to some
unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that
communication is important, I question the suggestion
that any conversation of substance or necessity take
place after 2 am. Why would you make me call those
ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they
do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone
all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why
do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce,
along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips
(washed down with wine & topped off with a Kit Kat
after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an
electric eater, but sometimes you go too far.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me
that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I
see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to
fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black
& blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the
next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never
take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key
into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This
is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our
previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the
3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My
entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper
precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread
products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out
face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn,
the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere
with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years
now & would like to ensure that we remain on good
terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the
provocation for much laughter, and the needed
companion when I just don't know what to do with the
extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this
friendship, I ask that you carefully review my
grievances above & address them immediately. I will
look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm
(pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions &
hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your Biggest Fan


p.s. - Things that are difficult to say when drunk:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
5. Specificity


p.p.s. - Things that are downright impossible to say
when drunk:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

i just read this. it is about the possibility of making a doggy-dna database (having just coined the term, im off to the copywright office) so that dog piles (read: piles of shit) can be identified and owners fined. in austria. this to me sounds like a fabulous idea. while fines already exist, it is nearly impossible to catch someone doing it. the fine would include the cost for dna testing as well as the actual fine itself. this is technology doing what it is supposed to: make laws more enforceable. the critics of the bill mention at the end of the article that this would create "a police state". now, im more concious than most that our liberties are getting sniped by the government at an unheard of rate (i think another Patriot act just got signed). however, i think the phrase POLICE STATE might be a little over the top for enforcing an already existing law which only penalizes those who dont clean up their dogs shit off the street. maybe its just me, but the less dog shit i see, the happier i am.

what if the same thing happened in the US when radar guns started being used to catch people speeding: How dare they more accurately enforce existing laws that i pretend to abide by. This use of technology is appalling. I cannot believe that they no longer sit idly by and let me break the law even though perfectly reasonable methods exist to monitor my oh-so-private car velocity at no cost to me at all. ridiculous.

im reading Cryptonomicon now. its long. but pretty good so far.

i tried to meet up with pyle and burnsy on saturday night, but the line outside Gypsy was too long. so we stood there for awhile, then stood outside The Big Easy for another bit. we finally decided to go to Our House like usual. at some point later in the evening i decided to start punching the walls of my house. retrospectively a poor move. my hand is a little scraped up. i also think i may have lost my wallet at some point in the night.

is the weather crappy where everyone else is? cause it sucks donkey hog here.

MSDS

me and ben are going to see if we can get people interested in throwing christians to the lions again. first on the list: catholics. followed shortly after by any and all "born-again" christians.

after listening to years of seemingly unending chatter about steroids i have decided to come to the rescue. there are a number of potential laws and policies in place and/or about to be implemented. they wont work. it should be one, and done. get caught once and you are banned from your sport, and all other professional sports. in addition to being banned (for life) from your sport, you should also be penalized in a way that is fitting for your sport. heres some examples:

baseball: must take a fastball to the crotch
basketball: must have a jermaine oneill punch you in the face
golf: must have a golf ball driven into you from a distance of 10 feet

you get the point.

quote of the day:

"the pope dying was pretty much the best thing that ever happened to me"

if any of my coworkers or superiors knew just how little i care about the work im doing, there is no way in hell i would be given the responsibility i have now.

i want to shoot a turd rocket into eddie murphys face for writing (or atleast recording) that travesty: Party All the Time. the song sucks hard. real hard. comedians shouldnt sing. no matter how intensely they try, inevitably it ends up resembling a sack of soggy dicks. this does not apply to songs written for comedic value (Adam Sandler, etc.)

angela muzzey is a liar.

i think i slept on my baseball glove last night, cause i found it in my bed and my back really hurts ... as though i had slept on a baseball glove.

i watched animal face-off last night. basically they pit two beasts against each other in a virtual battle to see who would win. last night, Polar Bear vs. Walrus. the walrus won. i think it was bullshit though.

my lebanese manager cracks me up. his english isnt quite tip-top and i often have to think for a second about what he is talking about. for example:

he says: i dont think so he is here.
he means: hes not here.

he says: i dont think so we can do it.
he means: we cant do it.

and so on.

i have much to speak of, however, the thoughts are all still jumbled in my head so they will likely not be coherently and logically represented.

my sister got a new puppy, Ruger, a chocolate lab. hes adorable. and hell bite your ears off everytime he has the opportunity.

i saw my brothers this weekend. pretty funny.

at prom, i saw the most attractive girl i have EVER seen. hands down, no question, the best girl ever. shes already a model full time, and well out of my league. plus shes 16 or 17.

dooling, i owe you two cheeseburgers. the escalade has a bench seat in the front, and it isnt illegal to write on money. unless you intend to alter it in such a way as to make a profit.

mike and owen, you both owe me a cheeseburger. heres the proof: CHEESEBURGERS. by the way, the bet was that the Giants have been in the superbowl within the last 6 years. and they played just 4 years ago. bitches.

a movie title that inspires my rage from within: "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants". there is no way that this thing will be good.

i guess my crack at homeschooled kids was a bit harsh. i didnt realize you were homeschooled gordo. you are normal.

my brother mike told me about this russian chick, she has x-ray vision ... its crazy. i did some research into it and i guess she is the real deal. can look inside your body and see your organs, diagnose diseases, all kinds of shit. check it out

Timmy B has a blog now, wanted me to advertise: he said hed blow me if i did.

eventually ill put it up in my links thing, HTML is annoying though, and ima see if i can get another hummer out of it.

ive seen Anchorman twice in the past 3 days, and laughed uncontrollably both times throughout the feature. i had heard from a number of people that it was a poor movie. now i know that you are wrong.

"all the easy shit has already been invented, i need to go back in time and invent some of that crap. i mean, a Thermos? Index cards? please."
-Tristen Lucas

i have recently come to the realization that i hate a guy i work with. he is very protective of his things (none of it is actually his, but rather Rohm and Haas') so i have decided to start acting like a real prick to him. no more false courtesy and emtpy conversations about his weekend. now i wait till he leaves the lab, and i move his equipment all over the building. he will never be able to find what he needs. maybe ill put a tack on his chair or something too. i could always just dump some random chemicals into his experiments. plenty of ways to sabotage at a chemical company.

im only slightly curious about the new star wars because they beefed it up with a PG-13 rating instead of a PG. i guess theres a bunch of murdered kids and other forms of reckless violence.

i guess thats it for now.

lunch review:

restaraunt - Yong Tong (or something like that, its Thai)
soup - Tom Ka Kai ... the worst thing ever
entree - tender beef and rice ... pretty good