i wish i could take credit for this.

Fuck the South. Fuck 'em. We should have let them gowhen they wanted to leave. But no, we had to kill halfa million people so they'd stay part of our specialUnion. Fighting for the right to keep slaves - yeah,those are states we want to keep.
And now what do we get? We're the fucking ArrogantNortheast Liberal Elite? How about this for arrogant:the South is the Real America? The Authentic America.
Really?Cause we fucking founded this country, assholes. ThoseFounding Fathers you keep going on and on about? Allthat bullshit about what you think they meant by theSecond Amendment giving you the right to keep yourassault weapons in the glove compartment because youdidn't bother to read the first half of the fuckingsentence? Who do you think those wig-wearinglacy-shirt sporting revolutionaries were? They werefucking blue-staters, dickhead. Boston? Philadelphia?New York? Hello? Think there might be a reason all the fucking monuments are up here in our backyard?No, No. Get the fuck out. We're not letting you visit the Liberty Bell and fucking Plymouth Rock anymore until you get over your real American selves and star trespecting those other nine amendments. Who do youthink those fucking stripes on the flag are for? Nine are for fucking blue states. And it would be 10 if those Vermonters had gotten their fucking Subarus together and broken off from New York a little earlier. Get it? We started this shit, so don't get all uppityabout how real you are you Johnny-come-lately "Oooooh I've been a state for almost a hundred years" dickheads. Fuck off.
Arrogant? You wanna talk about us Northeasterners being fucking arrogant? What's more American than arrogance? Hmmm? Maybe horsies? I don't think so. Arrogance is the fucking cornerstone of what it means to be American. And I wouldn't be so fucking arrogant if I wasn't paying for your fucking bridges, bitch. All those Federal taxes you love to hate? It all comes from us and goes to you, so shut up and enjoy your fucking Tennessee Valley Authority electricity andy our fancy highways that we paid for. And the next time Florida gets hit by a hurricane you can come crying to us if you want to, but you're the ones who built on a fucking swamp. "Let the Spanish keep it, it’s a shithole," we said, but you had to have your fucking orange juice. The next dickwad who says, "It’s your money, not the government's money" is gonna get their ass kicked. Nine of the ten states that get the most federa lfucking dollars and pay the least... can you guess? Go on, guess. That’s right, motherfucker, they're redstates. And eight of the ten states that receive the least and pay the most? It’s too easy, asshole, they’re blue states. It’s not your money, assholes, it’s our fucking money.
What was that Real AmericanValue you were spouting a minute ago? Self reliance? Try this for self reliance: buy your own fucking stopsigns, assholes.
Let’s talk about those values for a fucking minute. You and your Southern values can bite my ass because the blue states got the values over you fucking Real Americans every day of the goddamn week. Which state do you think has the lowest divorce rate you marriage-hyping dickwads? Well? Can you guess? It’s fucking Massachusetts, the fucking center of the gaymarriage universe. Yes, that’s right, the state you love to tie around the neck of anyone to the left of Strom Thurmond has the lowest divorce rate in the fucking nation. Think that’s just some aberration? How about this: 9 of the 10 lowest divorce rates are fucking blue states, asshole, and most are in the Northeast, where our values suck so bad. And where arethe highest divorce rates? Care to fucking guess? 10of the top 10 are fucking red-asswe're-so-fucking-moral states. And while Nevada is theworst, the Bible Belt is doing it's fucking part. But two guys making out is going to fucking ruin marriage for you? Yeah? Seems like you're ruining it pretty well on your own, you little bastards. Oh, but that's ok because you go to church, right? I mean you do, right? Cause we fucking get to hear about it every goddamn year at election time. Yes, we're fascinated by how you get up every Sunday morning and sing, and then you're fucking towers of moral superiority. Yeah, that's a workable formula. Maybe us fucking Northerners don't talk about religion as much as you because we're not so busy sinning, hmmm? Ever think of that, you self-righteous assholes? No, you're too busy erecting giant stone tablets of the Ten Commandmentsin buildings paid for by the fucking Northeast LiberalElite. And who has the highest murder rates in the nation? It ain't us up here in the North, assholes. Well this gravy train is fucking over. Take your liberal-bashing,federal-tax-leaching, confederate-flag-waving, holier-than-thou, hypocritical bullshit and shove it up your ass. And no, you can't have your fucking convention in NewYork next time. Fuck off.

no entries in almost two months you say? i was busy. everytime i read this i laugh. maybe you will too:

I like monkeys.
The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Cheap monkeys.
I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.
I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.
I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.
I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't wantto call the plumber. I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately,there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to changethem every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer soit didn't all go bad.
I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys inmy freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odorwasn't improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.
I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.
I like monkeys.

my friends decided, while shitfaced, to poke through some girls purse and steal her money. evidently, she only had those obnoxious dollar coins. laprel's response was something along these lines:

Hey Sacagawea, your money called. Get out of here.

seinfeld meets booze meets evil coinage worth more than 25 cents

aside from the cardinals division, ours is the only one where the redsox would not be (arent) leading. even if we were in the cardinals division, which they locked up months ago, we would be leading the national league wildcard by 6 games. i hate the yankees.

internet and cable were shut off in my apartment today. makes for a boring place to be ive found. also, it destroys my only 2 forms of communication aol im, and email. even better, i have no way to tell my roomates that it happened. cool huh. i just have to hope that a.) they stop by, or b.) notice that im not online and correlate that to it being september first and us not having had pay the bill. both unlikely.

the dave matthews band and or bus driver are being sued for allegedly dumping 80-100 gallons of human waste off a bridge and onto a tour boat carrying, get this, approximately 109 tour boat passengers including disabled people, senior citizens, a pregnant woman, a small child and an infant. hey tourists, sorry about the 100 gallons of shit we poured all over you ...

by the way, this was on the 8th of august, and i learned of its existence only moments ago. has everyone else heard about this? seems like it would be kind of a big deal.

did anyone watch the VMA's? hot damn did the singer from hoobastank suck hog. likely his monitor wasnt working or whatever, but he made my ears cry when he was singing his much touted (sp?) single "the reason". sweet jesus was it terrible to hear. not the catchy tune i was used to. i coudlnt help but cringe and feel as though i was being beaten with a tone deaf corpse. awful.

watching jeopardy today i confirmed i am smarter than atleast three 12 year olds. i only missed 2 questions on the whole show.

on a side note, i find the media to be generally obnoxious.

peter gammons broke my heart today in his discussion on sportscenter regarding possible AL MVP's. he mentioned gary sheffield, and vladimir guerrero as favorites with ichiro and miguel tejada splitting votes for players on losing teams. hearing no red sox mentioned, i set out to investigate if i was just being a home town fan. i will analyze the following stats: batting average (BA), total bases, extra-base hits (XBH), doubles, homers, RBI's, and on base percentage (OBP). to those who ask "what about Jeter? sure he struggled a little but he made the allstar team as the starter and he is a real team leader", let me respond. jeter has been nothing short of terrible this year. just look at the numbers. everyone knows the allstar game is a sham (popularity contest at best) and being a team leader makes you a team MVP, not a league MVP. another question is, did i chose specific stats to make my case? of course i did, thats what stats are for. keep in mind that i dont have walks, strikeouts, slugging percentage, fielding percentage, and basestealing stats. it took me sort of awhile to do this, knowing full well that everyone reading it has a cumulative number of MVP votes equal to zero. regardless:

Ichiro Suzuki:
ranked first in batting average by a wide margin, first in hits, second in OBP and 7th in total bases. however, he shows up no where in any of the real power hitting categories. here is why he should be the MVP: he has a legit chance to break both .400 and the hit/season record, steals bases, and plays great defense. here is why he shouldnt: the mariners stink. they are terrible. and all his bazillion singles dont make any kind of real impact on that.

Vladimir Guerrero:
5th in average, tied 3rd (T3) in total bases, T4 in hits, T5 in XB hits, T8 in doubles, 7th in homers, T4 in RBI's, 17th in OBP. armed with a canon he plays good defensive outfield and his angels are doing amazing considering the injuries he sustained. heres why he shouldnt be the MVP: look at some of the stats in following players and youll know.

Manny Ramirez:
6th in average, 2nd in total bases, T13 in hits, 2nd in XB hits, T6 in doubles, 1st in homers, 3rd in RBIs, and 3rd in OBP. manny plays suspect defense (though generally solid), and steals few bases. few homerun hitters do.

Alex Rodriguez:
putting this mans rankings down is a waste of time. he doesnt compare. last out of this group in almost every category. he does play gold glove defense at a new position. however, nobody outside of new york cares. not one single vote should go to this guy.

Miguel Tejada:
7th in average, T3 in total bases, 3rd in hits, 3rd in XB hits, T4 in doubles, T10 in homers, 1st in RBI's, 23rd in OBP. he plays outstanding shortstop for a crummy orioles team. based on his RBI numbers id vote for him except he is getting hosed in a bunch of other categories and plays for a BAD team.

David Ortiz:
17 in avg., 1st in total bases, 16th in hits, 1st in XB hits, 3rd in doubles, T2 in homers, 2nd in RBI's and 18 in OBP. critics argue he is a DH and therefore half a player. they are wrong. he is destroying the ball and in the top 5 in several key power categories.

Gary Sheffield:
22nd in average, 6th in total bases, T23 in hits, T10 in XB hits, T2 in homers, 6th in RBIs and 6th in OBP. has a cannon arm and is playing hurt (who isnt you crybaby?) plain and simple, he shouldnt be the MVP. gets sympathy votes because as of late he has been real hot and the rest of the yankees havent.

i agree this must be a bit cumbersome to read if anyone did. and tabulated data would have been much better, but importing a table from excel requires ftp space that i dont have. so die.

remember that time last night when i got real drunk, went to dougs, and puked in his backyard? that was awesome.

this is an email i received today from my financial aid advisor, check out the date she's coming back ...

I will be out of the office starting 06/29/2004 and will not return until 04/15/2040. I no longer work for Northeastern University. If you need assistance, please contact 617 373-3190. This email account will NOT be checked

this is the 6th change in my financial advisor since i have been enrolled at the wonderful university of northeastern.

joe dooling makes me laugh almost everyday. through the grapevine i heard grange was (is?) looking to unload 3 costly tickets to the Kanye West/Usher/probably more concert tomorrow. in an attempt (though weak) to help, i left an away message. joe had the only response:

Auto response from Whitetrashkateer: anyone want tickets for the usher/kanye show at the fleet?
FOREVER27 JD: nah dude, see if grange wants em aaaaahhahahahahhaaa

so on tuesday, me and kinlin get a call from grange. he wants to go to a ballgame, and ive only seen a couple this year, so we went down to pick up some tickets an hour or so before the game. i couldnt fathom that we wouldnt be able to get cheap seats. it was a tuesday night, bronson arroyo was facing the devil rays. i cant imagine a better (less enticing) matchup so spirits were high. laprel(l?) (oh yeah, he was there too) and i left to find scalpers and kinlin and grange went to find a parking spot. as it turns out, the cheapest tickets we found were 50$ standing room only. fuck that. not to see bronson. anyway, after circling the stadium a couple times, we met up with grange and kinlin, told them the bad news, and decided to head home to watch the game. we walk to the car ... except now it has transformed into the spot where the car was parked. it got towed ! hooray. starting out to catch a cab, we decided to take a short cut over some rusty, half complete bridge. after a train came roaring under us, we abandoned the shaky bridge for the street and the long way around. we catch a cab out to a very shadey (sp?) jamaica plains tow shop. we almost beat granges car there, they were still unhooking it from the truck. several large signs informed us that only cash was accepted so grange ponied up the 105 bucks and we left to get beer and catch the game. so not only did we not get tickets to the game, but missed a couple innings and spent like 120 bucks. fuck you bronson. thanks for winning though.

last night me, st louis, and eric went to the bars while the babies went to glenns. Our House was dead so we went over to Conner Larkins where drunkeness occurred and i offended some people. then we returned to Our House where i made crappy attempts to hit on the bar tender and touched one of the waitresses boobs. actually two, when you count marissa too. real drunk. we got free zippos for smoking butts though, that was neat. i think we left then, to stumble home in the rain. around west campus, i (for some reason) tackled st louis into a big puddle. i guess i broke his watch. oops. already dripping wet the puddle didnt bother me (it was raining all night). upon arriving home, without st louis who had pursued a lady friend, i commanded that a bowl be packed for me. in the very same sentence, i realized that by no means was i going to be able to smoke it. i think i stumbled upstairs and found my bed. but i woke up with a zippo, no money, no clothes on, and wet shoes. my breath smells like i puked, but im not sure i did. anyone remember? oh well. i saw atleast the following people last night and didnt want to end my narrative without including them: nader, jay, some girl who likes the yankees and was getting hit on by jay, spongebob, kara, lisa, marissa, ryan, coffey, some english guy, steph spino, and melissa. also the girl in the blue skirt who was playing with her belly button chain all night. a glorious sight.

i have decided that the college is the opposite place i should be. maybe ill go into detail later, but it can be summed up in one sentence. college is full of people trying to learn a lot about a little, and i want to know a little about a lot.

yes, im well aware engineers are nerds

i did poorly on an exam earlier in the year. at the opportunity to take a make-up, i jumped and evidently did poorly on it as well. as i still earned the maximum amount of points to be added to my first i paid my corrected test very little attention. after the professor stared at me and told the class he would be glad to go over the test on several occasions, i got the feeling that he wanted to talk to me about it. extra help, i thought, could be good. turned out that my extra help turned into the professor bitching at me for making a number of stupid (and some were really stupid) mistakes. at the end of his help session/bitch fest he said very sternly, "Don't disappoint me again Matt". thanks jerko.

this is the same professor who gives useless notes and today started his lecture, "If I remember correctly, and I probably don't ..." followed by a 40 minute rant about some remotely related topic. he is not a good professor. but he is extraordinarily old. im talking minutes from the grave old.

two little bits today. it struck me as odd that Ryder Hall, the home of (among other things) the architexture department here at northeastern, would include in its lobby a gaudy stairwell that doesnt go to the top floor of the building. just seems like it could have been planned better.

i was watching a bill hick's stand up routine and he raised an interesting point. if we are indeed in a war on drugs, and were losing it (as politicians often lament), that means that both the drugs and the people on them are winning the war. sorta makes you wonder how millions of fucked up people on drugs can win a war.

The Bible: Interpreted Through Legos

hmmm

 

about an hour and fifteen minutes into my first class, i decided i would rather not be in class, then be in it. so i left. im also skipping my 9:50-11:40 class. so now it is the weekend.

i have a problem. split personalities you see. morning matt, and evening matt. evening matt seems to have a lot of fun, but it pisses morning matt off. to punish evening matt, morning matt wakes up extra early and feels shitty right up until evening matt takes over. at which point evening matt counters by staying up late and abusing various substances in order to punish morning matt in return. its a terrible vicious cycle where neither seems to be getting the better of the other. but im pretty tired, so thats all im going to write.

it should never be this hot at 9:30 in the morning. never. i said never.

two revelations today:

1. you can easily tell which kids are here for orientation. because they look at you. some might call it staring, but they LOOK. usually i walk and i SEE people, but i dont look at them. these kids look long and hard, as if to determine if college kids are different than them. plus they often wear silly nametags or carry bags from the bookstore.

2. when you find yourself stumped on a particular homework problem, let it go. give up. then when its due just stay after and ask the professor how to do it. they will literally do it for you. then not only do you not have to worry about it when you were doing it, but you also get to know how to do it, without doing the work. plus it makes you look like a go-getter asking for extra help. by the way, this doesnt work exceptionally well if you do it too often, or come with 1 out of 10 homework problems done.

Be TERRIFIED, but carry on with your day

i guess well call this the other side of the story.

before leaving the pharmacy i decided it prudent to ask a few questions regarding my prescription:

me: so does this stuff work with alcohol?
him: you mean can you drink alcohol when youre on it?
me: yeah
him: no, you cannot
me: for the whole duration (about 6 months)
him: thats right
me: what about ... ummm ... (nervous glance sideways)
him (quickly, and with a smirk): no
me (equally quickly): ok, see ya

he could have meant "no, you cant smoke either", or "no, smoking drugs will not interfere with your prescription". though i hope for the latter (sp?) i expect the former. im not sure i said that right. but you all know. anyway, there is a good chance i wont be able to drink or smoke for 6 months ... ouch.

i have many many pet peeves. often small things that bug the shit out of me. while i am working selfconciously to suppress many of these, here is one that kills me on a near daily basis. smoking etiquette. important for tobacco, marijuana, and probably crack and other drugs too. but i will be harping on the marijuana variety. here is a list that i have come up with on the spot (as i write these words im trying to formulate what to put on the list) so it will no doubt be incomplete.

1. always thank. if you have just smoked someone else's weed, you better thank them. weed costs money. essentially you just took someones money. say thank you, you ungrateful bastards. an exception to this is if you matched someone, or atleast contributed to a blunt/joint. in this case since you have put up some drugs, the thanks can be forgone by all contributing parties.

2. be subtle about asking how the weed was acquired. weed is illegal. and that means jailtime for those who supply as well as those who consume. on many occasions i have obscured the origin of purchases. for example,

tommy: who got you this?
me: my friend from school/back home/summer camp
tommy: where did he get it from?
me: someone he knows i think, not too sure.

this should be more than enough. afterall, the less people that know, the better. use your head on this one.

3. criticizing of other peoples smoking technique should be kept to yourself. if people are unfamiliar with the particular mode in use, advice can be given. but be selective on what you say.

4. lighters. the stealing of lighters is sadly prevalent anywhere i have ever been. while i have stolen (and yes, mainly it is by accident) many lighters, at every opportunity i encourage lighters to be returned to their owners. for this reason, its annoying to lose your lighter. not only are you without the physical flame it provides, but this means you have to BUY ANOTHER. this sucks. on a similar note, lighting lighters just to light them, should be done only if the lighter belongs to you. lighters have life spans, and it isnt long. stop wasting them. they cost money. along the same lines, dont burn random shit just cause you never got over the fact your a pyro.

5. passing. this is a tricky one, and depends greatly on who is smoking. for simplicity's sake, ill only go over the basics. if you paid for drugs about to be smoked, you should smoke before the people who didnt. however, passing almost certainly goes in a circular motion (most commonly clockwise) so if multiple purchasers are not sitting adjacent then this becomes a choice between maintaining the circular flow, or appeasing those who paid. my opinion, if you are friends with the people, continue the rotation. however, if this is the first time youve smoked with this group, try to pass to the contributors (especially if you just met them).

well, thats all i got for now.

in the summer, the shortest class is 100 minutes long. ive found that after about 85 minutes my brain packs up shop and i dont learn anything else or barely even take notes. probably has something to do with the length of the class as well as the near proximity to the end of the class. it occurred to me today that if the classes were say 120 minutes, then i would pay attention for 100 and then would achieve what they think i should be already. a much happier thought occurred to me directly afterward however. that northeastern has been in the business of educating longer than ive been in the business of learning ... so they must have already taken that into account. hence the hour and 40 minute classes rather than the conventional hour and a half. with myself justified, i was pleased to see that my class was over so i could stop pretending i was attentive.

the all-star voting for baseball is a sham. if you dont think its a popularity contest then you probably got voted in. jason giambi winning by a landslide should be a good indicator. how about jeter cruising in with nomar second ... neither deserve to be there. the all-star game is a disgrace. its a bunch of players who have had good years, regardless of whether they are having one now. bad. very bad.

as you may have guessed, my return to classes have seriously impeded my ability and desire to write daily entries. that said, i will do my best. check this out.

i finally got around to reading the article concerning barry bonds and his allegations that boston is racist. though the article was written for the boston globe (naturally slanted ...) i have come to the conclusion that barry bonds is an ignorant stupid man.

i think my tv is broken again. i will take lives.

my little brother graduated high school this year. good job mike. graduation was a little weird. the valedictorian (sp?) was seen writing his speech while the graduates were walking in. his speech was bad. so was the keynote speaker. i did get to see a bunch of fools i hadnt in awhile. so that was neat.

ryan turned 21 sat. night/sun. morning. he was a drunken idiot.

some may recall a story about me getting hassled at the Hanover Food Stop about some tobacco products. in quick review, they wouldnt sell me cloves because my license was expired, despite me being 20 and providing dozens of other id's. last friday night, emerson, danny and i went into the very same food stop to buy some beer. emerson recognized a girl, so he called her over, said hello, introduced everyone, and then a brief conversation occurred. after leaving the lovely hillary we went to the counter to pay for our alcohol. we were prompted for our id's which we immediately presented to the cashier, who we'll call Mr. Jackass. after examining them, he inquired as to the location of the girl we were talking to. we didnt know. he snatched our beer to the other side of the counter and stated forcefully that he would need to see her id. as it turns out, hillary is not 21. as we also soon learned, we (as buyers of alcohol) are forbidden to talk to anyone in the store that is not of age. keep in mind, in NH beer is sold in convenience stores and gas stations so it is very reasonable someone not of age would be in the store. after all four of us began screaming at Mr. Jackass in protest of his ridiculous claim, he offered to call his manager. he quickly retracted this offer the second we took him up on it. we got the managers number and called her anyway. i didnt talk to her but suffice to say she shall be referred to as Mrs. or Ms. Jackass. afterall, she is the manager of a Food Stop. after approximately 20 minutes of arguing our case, namely that we were in no way buying alcohol for this girl i just met, we left angrily to rapidly consume the alcohol we already had. evidently Mr. Jackass had called the police (to what end ....?) though i (still mostly sober) was ushering my drunker companions into vehicles and out of hanover. no doubt Mr. Jackass painted quite a picture for the only slightly smarter policeman. i wish i was there to beat them both in the head with a case of beer. heres a little rule of thumb Mr. Jackass: assume almost everyone is smarter than you. because they are. long ago EVERY SINGLE underage drinker learned to not be in the store when alcohol is being bought for them. ask any teen across the country and they will tell you the same. we are smarter than that. anyway, avoid at all costs the Hanover Food Stop. i will never again do any kind of business there.

awww crap.

i may have already stated my point on this particular subject, but ive been thinking about it a lot lately due to an annoying seatbelt campaign: 'click it, or ticket'.

i think that all so-called common sense laws should be repealed. such laws include the motorcycle helmet requirement, seat-belt laws, and requirements to have insurance on your car. no need to protect those WITH MY MONEY (where do you think taxes go?) who wouldnt do it for themselves. ive never seen or heard of anyone being killed or injured because someone else didnt wear their seatbelt or helmet. these people really do deserve what they get. its a little thing called natural selection. in this day and age, it has taken on a different form with many more ways to "survive", or not get killed. if people wish to intentially put themselves in danger, hey, best of luck asshole. there is no need to set up roadblocks to check for seatbelts (ive seen them and been stopped in them in vermont). nevermind a statewide campaign to 'raise awareness of the good practice of wearing your seat-belt' complete with a series of television and radio commercials as well as countless billboards. this is money that DOES NOT need to be spent.

at this point and time i would like to point out that for that reason, NH is awesome. still with no car insurance requirement, lax gun laws, an 18 and under seatbelt policy (raised from 12 and under within the last 10 years), and no motorcycle helmet law (i think). and guess what? no income or sales tax either ... what a wierd coincidence.

the more stupid people we keep alive, the more stupid things we will see people do. more thoughts soon. maybe.

leftish political commentary: http://www.johnkerryisadouchebagbutimvotingforhimanyway.com/

in a sure sign of increased laziness with our speech, ive been noticing the annoying style of AOL IM lingo (lol, wtf, brb, etc.) being used in actual dialogue. here are a few of the examples, followed by there full length counterpart:

whatev .... whatever
dec .... decent
def .... definitely

This has to stopped.

is there anything better than watching girls run? yes, yes there are. but it is still REAL good.

i have begun an independant investigation into the passing of our former president Ronald Reagan. Evidently both the government and subsequently the stock market will be shut down leaving millions of workers the day of to grieve. chris hamel, my roomate, is one of these workers and he seems to be decidedly delighted that this great american hero has passed. he seems a little too delighted. and a little too raph.

new term: 'dicknic'
meaning: a picnic used as an excuse to have sex in a park/car near a park.

i heard something in the gym that astonished me today. there are many people (too many in my opinion) that think president bush and his cronies are doing a good or even a great job. this boggles me to no end.

reagan died. guess he was a good man. RIP dude.

ive been working on writing a philosophy book. as of now, its titled: "How Janet Jacksons Nipple Ruined the World".

has anyone checked out the 10 day weather forecast (ever, not this week neccesarily)? what a joke. if they cant get it right the day before, what are the chances they can forecast it a week and a half in advance. not very good, thats what the chances are. and i need forecasts that are a little better than: Partly cloudy with a chance of precipitation.

lots of stuff has happened since i last wrote. as is my style, ive forgotten all of the details and remember only the major stuff. we moved. we had a party. ive been working. we have no television or internet. i want my dog.

first, moving sucks asshole. my condolences to the dooling family who are moving this weekend. its bad. i live at 1472 tremont st now. come visit.

had a party saturday night. pretty good. i didnt go out friday night cause i was sorta depressed/pissed. dont know why. something has to be done because this once a weekend bullshit isnt gonna cut it.

due to the aforementioned move we have no television or internet service making being at home sort of lame cause you cant do anything except sleep and eat.

preparations continue for the arrival of my dog which should be relatively soon. approximate date of arrival: June 26th.

Dear Mother Nature,

What the fuck is with this weather?

Sincerely,
MJ

p.s. Honestly.

1 out of 75 men in the united states are currently living in jail. way to go us.

there are few things (probably none) that have caused, and continue to cause more harm in the world than organized religion. how many people have benefited from it is much harder to quantify, though its also a large number no doubt. the world would be better were it not for the impulse to convert from one religion to the other. nearly all major conflicts ('holy' crusades, holocaust i.e. WWII, american revolution, the current madness in israel, etc.) have been a direct result of contradicting belief systems. it would seem to me that religion (faith) shouldnt be governed by anyone else except yourself. you alone should be able to come to your own conclusions about religion without merely relying on some ancient text or pope-like figure to tell you what to believe.

that is my feeling on religion. if you dont agree with me ... i dont care. as i clearly stated my beliefs and ideas should have no impact on yours, and i can guarantee yours wont impact mine.

no, not you. someone i saw today.

i wouldnt touch you with a thirty five foot pole.

for some reason, only the posts from april 15th and previous are showing up ... not sure why.

being the upstanding responsible citizen that i am, i decided to give blood today. actually it was just for the free t-shirt.

nurse: okay, now you cant smoke cigarettes for 2 hours, and you cant drink for 8.
some guy: great, when is the next time i can have sex?
nurse: ummmmm, well no strenuous exercise for 24 hours.
some guy: shit.
nurse: sorry.
some guy: me and you both honey.

id like to get the phrases "so sue me", and "thats what she said" back into everyday lexicon. please do your best to say each phrase as much as possible. bonus points if used in a manner that makes no sense.

it seems like ive been exhausted all week. this may be due to staying up unnecessarily late (though i went to sleep last night around 830), but i think it may be caused by another reason: im bored. im bored with co-op, im bored with college, im bored with my apartment, and basically just bored. plus im sort of hungry.

check out my profile on IM and 'get file' to download music from me. i have 6 songs written and performed by Joe Dooling that are really good. check em out.

my head is a trash hole right now

went to foxwoods last night after work. it was pretty good. i lost a chunk of change, but joey d did pretty well for himself taking home 300 bucks. work sucks real, real hard today.

happy gay day in mass. lots of gay gays out there today.

ah yes, now i will try to recall what i have been doing the last few days. thursday night i got loaded and at some point must have gone to bed. i awoke friday morning to find no fewer than 6 signs that kinlin and st louis had stolen. good work boys. friday at work was real awful. i did however, achieve an all time best. i fell asleep at a microscope and almost poked both of my own eyes out. after that little incident i began to investigate how i could sleep safely while appearing to be looking into the microscope. i found that by resting my eyesockets on it, it would appear that i am analyzing something and no one would be the wiser leaving me to catch up on some sweet sweet sleep. the plan worked a little too well as i was woken up by my boss violently shaking my shoulders. after which he informed me that i smelled like a brewery and should have stayed home.

after work i went to my sisters place to party with friends from home. throughout the two days i spent there i realized that people who grew up near me, we arent like other people. to give you an idea of what i mean, i participated in a 45 minute discussion about chopping wood. i think it is truly impossible to fully realize these vast differences unless you see it first hand.

i witnessed something that i thought i never would. sadly due to a binding verbal agreement i cannot reveal the people involved nor the details, though i will say it would make a very appealing anti-drug ad.

starting at about 11 am on saturday, we (colburn, me, tristen, spagoo, lee, battis, chiefy) spent the afternoon on the deck getting hammered. around midnight we stumbled down to a party the neighbors were having ... it was some girls 21st birthday party but we didnt really fit in so we returned for more drinking and drugs.

a long and awful streak was ended friday night.

sam frank, if i ever hear of you hassling my little brother or his friends again i will take a fucking baseball bat to your head.

thats about it. sorry about the muttled appearance and lack of flow. for the record each paragraph should probably be its own entry. but to hell with it.

i spent the latter half of the day (from 10 am on) wandering around in a half-sleep-daze hoping no one would question me as to what ive been doing all day.

nothing like waking up to the sweet sound of no fewer than 4 jackhammers this morning.

unrelated side note, the website where i write my entries has totally changed their format ... im not sure i like it.

no need to say happy mothers day. i have already taken the liberty of informing the following peoples mothers that it is mothers day, and they should have a happy one: chris hamel, eric hamel, chris kinlin, derek st louis, ben slote, emerson smith, danny mannix, joe dooling, chris grange, dom pulumbo, neil tejwani and greg sieglinger.

on a related side note, would you kill yourself if orgasms gave you no pleasure? i havent decided yet, but i dont think i would. it would still suck.

holy macaroni. silly amounts of things the last couple of days. first cinco de mayo: had a blast playing poker with gillis, neil, kinlin, ben, st louis, and troy, then went to the bar where i immediately pissed away the money i had won. quote of the night: "yo, ima use your microwave to heat up these wings, then piss all over your toilet seat".

seis de mayo: after nearly sleeping through work i was able to convince my ride to come back and get allowing me to work. yahoo. i was slated to work with the man killing beast (Mark Lefebvre) and i was not too excited. after being informed that i smelled like a hobo that had doused himself in alcohol and drugs, i immediately panicked (that doesnt look spelled right, but nothing else does either 'paniced', "panniced"?). i downed gallons of water, sprayed myself with an air conditioner, and ingested 48 mints. i didnt end up working with him.

siete de mayo (hoy): i tried to brush my teeth this morning but found we had no water pressure. i stumbled up the stairs in my normal fashion to wait for my ride. directly outside my building the road was sunken in. it looked like a bomb had gone off under ground. anyway, there was water and filth all over everything and the road had been blocked off. some reporter guy came over with a camera and asked me all kinds of questions about it. i didnt really know what had happened but i ended up taking the guy down to my apartment and showing him that the water didnt turn on, etc. etc. no doubt ill be on the fox morning news or maybe wbz. im not really sure what network but they got all kinds of shots of me walking out of my apartment and being pissed off and stuff. good thing i didnt shave or shower so i look like a total scumbag. evidently an apartment adjacent to mine has hundreds of thousands of gallons of water in the basement. as many know, i live in the basement so this little situation could have been MUCH worse. atleast it gave me something to write about ...

happy seis de mayo.

ps. monica is a whore

during a lunchtime discussion of how good toys are, i was reminded of the toy that i wanted for the longest time, and never got. powerwheels. i wanted one of those desperately, and i never got one. i was going to get one today on eBay but i decided id just save up for rent instead. although, as of yet i have no place to live.

im disgusted

im starving for some good news.

i just wrote a letter to the FCC. here it is:

It would appear to me that there is an interesting (read: WRONG) precedent being put forth. It cannot be denied that Howard Stern is vulgar and crude. But as you are well aware by now, similar incidents with Oprah and American Idol can also be crude. The first educated us on the proper terms for eating someones butthole and having multiple people suck on your penis, and the second permitted the word 'Fuck' go out over the air during primetime on one of the nations most popular programs. Meanwhile, Howard Stern is having his show (and parent station) fined multiple times for what seems to me to be lesser infractions. Its not important the severity of the infractions, because an infraction can and should be punished. However, you can't pick and choose people to punish. This presents the image of prejudice and favoritism. Looking specifically at the three programs I have mentioned:

American Idol: airs 8 pm on FOX
Oprah Winfrey: airs at 4 pm on WCVB
Howard Stern: airs at 6 am on WBCN

Do your kids wake up at 6 am to listen to the radio? Or are they more likely to be perusing network television midafternoon or early evening. It doesnt make any sense.

I waited so long to write in and complain because it seems like absolute madness. I couldn't believe that this would go on as long as it has. I thought for sure there would be apologies made, and fines handed out to other parties guilty of similar infractions. But alas, this has not happened. So instead of a more harsh (or more strictly enforced) policy, it seems that you are picking and choosing who can tell us about getting our salads tossed. The first amendment shouldn't be a judgement call, or a plaything of the FCC. You've sadly forgotten that personal vendettas have no place in applying the law. That is what government organizations do right?

Could it be that it is more ok to hear a fat black woman talk about licking assholes than a tall, skinny, very ugly white man? Someone please explain this to me, because my head is beginning to hurt thinking about how incredibly incompetant you all must be to proceed like this.

I urge you to contact me, so I may explain to you what to everyone else is painfully obvious.

Thank you for your time,
Matt Johnston

and for the bored readers of Mattio's Lounge, here you can find letters far more humorous than mine to pass some time.

i was sneaking around in kinlins room, and much to my surprise i ound his iron still set up on the mini ironing board. how did i end up checking to see if it was on? i touched it. i didnt feel for heat first, i didnt look for the power light, or even check to see if it was plugged in or not. its like im begging to get hurt.

by the way, the iron was off.

using the paper shredder at work is my new favorite thing ever

lord help you st louis if you parents ruin this for us

so was that guy just hanging out with a toaster on his hand?

"I've upped my absences from about 1 day a week to 2 or 3"

yes, its a difficult legacy to live up to, but it seems my younger brother has done just that. now in his closing months of highschool he has realized, just as we all did, how useless and meaningless class really is after already being accepted to college. it pleases me to see that being 18 senior year has once again provided formally vigilant students the amazing opportunity to escape the mundane drudgery of mascoma valley regional high school.

bad play.

"hey man whats up?"
"pretty good, you?"

these conversations are the worst.

girl: im going to new hampshire this weekend
me: really? where?
girl: UMF ...
me: what the hell is that
girl: U-maine farmington
me: isnt that in farmington, maine?
girl: i dont know

Oops, Pow, Surprise

At the gym today i heard techno remixes of the following songs: Rick James - Super Freak, Roy Orbison - Pretty Woman, Celine Dion - My Heart Will Go On.

elton john said recently that the voting for american idol is racist. that seems a little odd since last years winner was a big fat black man. plus, arent there like millions of votes? how is it that millions of people would get together under the radar and vote of all the black singers. come on elton, it just doesnt make sense.

it seems to me like politics is just a bunch of bullshit with each side lying about themselves and their opponents in order to trick the gullible people of our country (most of them are) into voting for them. i was looking at this website the other day that dissected each sides 'attack' commercials. every single thing said was at minimum a misrepresentation if not a total and complete lie.

check this joker out.

i found this chinese restaurant while on easter break. kudos if you know where it is. (hint: its a two minute walk from the lebanon house of pizza)

eric has left a comment (now deleted), which has reminded me of the story i forgot. here it is.

at approximately 4 in the am, st louis announced to eric and kinlin that he couldnt sleep, and was going to go hang out "outside somewhere", to do what, no one knows. sadly he was too drunk to operate the doorknob/locking mechanism successfully, and immediately went back to sleep, which, incidentally it seems he could in fact do.

that was paraphrased from erics comment. thank you sir. and to st louis, better luck next time.

resources put to good use. if the secret service was so insane when i was in highschool, i would have been arrested 43 times for my drawings.

i cant believe i didnt mention it in my last post but the red sox swept the yankees at yankee stadium over the weekend. bitches.

lots of goodies this weekend. but before that, an after work beer on thursday was partly responsible for this quote from ray:

"the deal is, uh, atleast i think the deal is, she gets the ring, and i get the big screen tv"

on saturday we decided to get chinese, after making the call and completing our order, this is the conversation kinlin had with the delivery guy.

chinese guy: when the final?
kinlin: what final?
chinese guy: the the final. you know you take the finals?
kinlin: oh, uh, those are done.
chinese guy: oh really? you moving out?
kinlin: uh, yeah.
chinese guy: wow, oh when you comin back?
kinlin: umm, i dunno
chinese guy: oh cause you graduate?
kinlin: uh, yeah
chinese guy: oh wow, congratulations. what you want for free?

thankfully i thought to have kinlin write down that conversation as we were in such a state as we wouldnt have been able to remember it.

that same night (i think), st louis and i were returning from the liquor store and had almost made it back. we were meters from my door when a lunatic on a bike wildly approached us on the sidewalk. nearly having to dive out of the way i avoided the bikeman. st louis wasnt as lucky. the crazy biker hit my friend on the shoulder and continued on into the street and across an intersection. stunned at first, we then continued our walk back. midway across the intersection the bikeman began to yell. it sounded like "you big f ...." but was immediately muffled as he crashed to the ground. it looked like as he turned to yell at us, his handlebars went perpendicular to his back and he did a faceplant in the middle of the street. of course this triggered immediate laughter and jeering on our part. he hopped on his bike as fast as possible and sped off. way to make yourself look like a fool.

at danielles (which i skipped) another story of note took place and i meant to write it down. but i dont remember anything about it now. sorry.

as the date of our departure from 175 Hemenway St. approaches, we still do not have a place to move into. with a little over a month left, i am a bit anxious. we found this sick house that would be absolutely amazing if we got it. however, currently it hinges on whether joseph dooling wishes to move in with us for a second (for me, third) time. he should. anyone reading this should tell him that.

since easter weekend, i have been absolutely entranced by the 'Cirque du Soleil'. has anyone seen this? its like the circus on acid. they do the most ridiculous things you wouldnt think were possible. anyway, its pretty good. i think it plays on Bravo. watch it.

its nice out. it was supposed to be rainy. mirabelli is the man. thats all i got.

a song lyric of alan jackson goes something like "i watch cnn, but im not sure i can tell the difference between iraq and iran".
let me help you. they are two different countries. plus you are an idiot. plus if you watch cnn as you claim, you should be well aware of this. they do have similar names ... and are both located in the hellish shithole that currently is most of the middle east. their names are real real close. that must be where he is getting mixed up.

hearing this song in the lab sparked a world geography quiz. martin the english guy made fools of all the americans with his seemingly unending knowledge of history, geography, and literature. at one point he asked me who the leader of Slovenia was, which made me pause. i think i can only name 4-5 world leaders. so here they are:
USA - Bush
UK - Blair
France - Chirac
Cuba - Castro
Iraq - Nobody

did anyone read about the 3 eyed, 2 mouthed calf born in texas? crazy.

quote of the day:
"the ultimate goal of the gym is to look strong. being strong is merely a side-effect"

i think that fantasy should be spelled with a 'ph'. Phantasy ... just looks cooler.

yipeee. im still at work though.

i bet heaven is the nuts.

how good is the other side of my pillow right now? real good. thats how good.

ah yes, back to work. many friends do not have school/work today because of patriots day. they are bastards.

this weekend was good. normally dull and repetive weekend activities were suspended to make room for new and exciting ones. on a note of frustration, the lane health center blew me off a second time. after bumping up my appointment, i was informed upon arrival that they wouldnt be able to help me afterall, and my original appointment would be honored. ill believe it when i see it.

i have decided to donate sperm for extra money. let me know how much you want, and ill be able to get it to you in a few days. price is negotiable.

neil, ben, and i cleaned out the wollaston meat department for meatfest 2004. we went over to rays place and cooked up the 200 dollars of beef products and proceeded to eat it until our stomachs were on the verge of exploding. stranded in watertown i was now late for kati lary's field hockey games i said i would see.

after walking 15 minutes to harvard square i took a cab to the field where thankfully the match was still ongoing. field hockey was much as i remembered it, what with the multitudes of hot girls in skirts and countless stoppages of play for unknown reasons. as an added benefit, i guess our (read: Wentworth's) field doesnt have changing rooms, so the girls just changed on the field. it was pretty good.

my judgement on the gray album might have been a little rushed. after listening a lil more with the mates, it isnt that bad. the sound quality is lacking (due to excessive copying), but if it were cleaned up nice it would no doubt be respectable. my apologies dangermouse.

junkmail subject line of the day:
Bring the HAMMER down the next time you NAIL a chick

i got the highly controversial 'gray album' the other day off ebay. for those who dont know its jay-z songs from his black album, mixed with beats from the beatles white album. i guess its a big deal because of some copywright issue. after listening to it however, i think there might be another motive for stopping the distribution of it. it is absolutely terrible. if i were jay-z or any of the beatles i wouldnt want my good music to be ruined like that. especially not by a guy named Dangermouse.

at work when i get bored and have nothing to write about, i generally look around on the internet for things to buy. my latest idea was to buy a celtics jersey. i was going to either buy a tony battie jersey cause hes my tatoo brother, or a walter mccarty jersey because i like saying wahlta mccahty and hes number 0. after getting off the phone with the lady at the official celtics store, it turns out you can only get paul pierce or lary bird jerseys. how stupid is that.

i several girls yesterday that i hadnt in a long while due to a break up by association (see seinfeld). one of them in particular, i hate. she, her friends, and mine, have all asked me on different occassions why i didnt like this girl, and at the time i couldnt come up with any response. i think this is because i didnt really hate her. but i do now. this morning i made a mental pros and cons list (actually just a cons list) to determine if my dislike was warranted. here goes my justification of my intense dislike for this girl.

it bothers the shit out of me when people ask you directly if or why you hate them. this girl does that atleast 5 times each time i am around her. shell do it until i snap and then wonder why i did. also she (it would appear) takes no responsibility for our relationship. for example, i hadnt seen her in awhile and she came to my apartment. during one of the aforementioned interogations regarding my hatred, she pointed out that i hadnt even said hi when she came in. and that was true. however, why is it my responsibility to watch the door for new people to come in? she couldnt have said hi to me? im not exactly paying attention to details when im drunk at a party either. another annoying habit she has is shell blow things out of proportion and wonder why no one else (the guys anyway) cares. heres another example. kinlin, st louis, myself, and maybe even hamel, were discussing [insert ridiculous topic, i.e. politics, united states foreign policy, stereotypes, celebrities, etc]. after getting bored with that, we kept drinking. however, this girl wouldnt let a few random statements go. i dont often back down from arguments, especially in my defense, so i weaved a web of inpenatrable logic that i thought no one would be able to refute. to my dismay, she still didnt understand, and i got bored with her and gave my attention to something else. muttered under her breath, though plenty loud for many to hear (like me), "i just think its funny how much you guys think you know, when you dont know shit". this statement alone is enough to make me hate her based on the following reasoning. anyone who knows me, reads this website, or both, should understand that the following words are rarely to be taken literally: never, always, the best, the worst, none, all, hate, love, etc. despite what i write and say, there are not that many things i have a passionate enough opinion about to use these superlatives literally. im an apathetic jokemaker. the fact that she has hung out with me/us many times makes me think that she will never understand that and consequently, i hate her and the way she acts/thinks/lives. congratulations, youve made me hate you. and now i have an answer for when you ask why.

[edited for hamel]

if it were up to me, it would have been bobby jones on that cross, not jesus. maybe jesus could have freed us from our sins, and then bobby couldve done the crucifiction part. i guess i would settle for never seeing him in a redsox uniform ever again.

there should be some kind of mercy killing rule for those deemed a burden on society. the lady sitting in front of me on the bus, not only required the bus driver to walk her to her seat, but also to move her bag (which she had been carrying) from the seat onto the floor. in a loud and obnoxious voice she then commanded the poor girl in front of her to turn on the light directly above her head. aside from being completely useless, she was loud, unfriendly, and smelled intensely of cheese. it was easily the strongest most eye watering cheese aroma that anyone could ever imagine. if you arent independent enough to move your own bag or turn on your light (both within arms reach) then you probably shouldnt be riding a bus by yourself. i agree with jeff riley in his latest post, that seatbelt and motorcycle helmet laws should be eliminated. we need to stop protecting the stupid. natural selection baby ... the world has relied on it for hundreds of millennia, why should we try to circumvent the system now? it just doesnt make sense.

today marks the last day of my mustache bet. a mutual decision to end the awfulness was made this morning. despite my promises for pictures in update, i have posted none. i will surely take a picture before i actually shave, but i doubt ill post it. im lazy like that.

tonight should be interesting at my apartment. kinlin and grange have invited two girls that they "met" last week at the club. since nobody knows what they look like, tonight has the potential for greatness.

bobby jones walked 4 straight batters to bring in the losing run last night in the bottom of the 13th inning. get out bobby.

looking for apartments has become increasingly more annoying and disappointing. a slight change from before: now we find nice apartments but they are 400 miles from campus.

going home this weekend for the holiday ... should be awful.

work was/is spent cleaning expensive and dangerous chemicals from obscenely expensive equipment today. im not really feelin it.

thats all i got.

inspired by a NewsRadio episode, i have decided to define a number of adjectives used to superficially describe women.

Cute - usually means 'cute face', though often girls of small stature are in this category

Gorgeous - as good as it gets (body, face ... etc)

Beautiful - a step below gorgeous, describes a more natural attractiveness, usually pertaining to the face

Hot - the most common, basically could mean any of the others (often used to describe body and/or face)

Pretty - a step below beautiful, again more applicable to the face

Sexy - fairly general term, i think more of the body than the face

Slammin' - almost always refering to the body

Conspiacies Revealed Part III:

Colin Farrell = Enrique Iglesias

unlike most days, when i would rather be sitting on my ass and getting paid rather than at work, today i would have settled for sitting on my ass and not getting paid. this has been my most unpleasant day of co-op to date.

Conspiracies Revealed Part II:

Simon from Real World Paris = Keith Van Horn

i was watching sportscenter about 10 minutes ago, and i saw some guy give his opinion on girls basketball. he said it sucked. and said we shouldnt be concerned with the politically correctness. hating girls basketball is not hating women, its hating bad basketball. and i thought to myself, "hey, i dont like bad basketball. and i also dont like womens basketball". that guy was right, it does suck.

Conspiracies Revealed Part I:

The Rock = Freddy Garcia

away message of the day:

Life is like a dick, when it gets hard ... FUCK IT

it seems i may have to chalk this weekend up to recovery as my throat continues to feel worse and worse. im very disappointed.

on a side note, i almost tore my hand off with a large piece of machinery yesterday at work. i was able to escape with minimal slashes and a tasty infection as grease, and glass fibers were smashed into the wounds as they were created.

whats the deal with all those crazy iraqi's mutilating american corpses and shit. youd think we just captured their leader, carpeted their country with bombs and sent them into wretched poverty within the span of a year. no way the US would be pissed if a country did that to us.

i bought a candle from a pretty lady at work today. she wants me.

i was recently involved (passively) in an argument about marijuana and its health impacts. while those against it have a great arsenal of cheesy improbable ads and medical reports (atleast part of the report) to back them up, the otherside of the argument was decidely weak. to be fair, i sat down to see if there were indeed balancing arguments. to my knowledge, marijuana does have valued medicinal properties, both as an anti-emetic, and as an analgesic. it also has a wide realm of other possible applications including memory functions, and seizure treatment. according to the studies i looked at, these benefits do not surpass the existing chemical substitutes when both pros and cons are layed out. but to say that marijuana is "bad" for you, is a bit of copout. afterall, alcohol is bad for you, potato chips are bad for you, the sun is bad for you ... in fact, it is difficult these days to find something not bad for you. look at the classic medicines, penicillin and tylenol. one is an antibiotic, the other an analgesic (oh yeah, that means pain reliever). the problem with penicillin is, if you dont take the full dosage, and even if you do sometimes, bacteria is allowed to develop immunities slowly but surely making a supposed wonder drug less and less useful as well as creating penicillin immune bacteria. in the same respect, antibacterial soaps and cremes are also bad for the environment. tylenol, a widely accepted analgesic, is not good for your liver. plus it lowers your immune system. by pumping pain relievers into your body every time you get a headache or muscle pain you are stunting your bodies ability to repair itself, and you are creating a dependancy that otherwise would not have existed. on top of that, pain relievers used for simple headaches are turning our world (atleast the US) into a bunch of pussies who can handle less and less of the reality of life. but thats a different issue altogether.
so, in short, yeah marijuana is bad for you. but so are the alternatives. if the US government took its head out of its ass it would see the absurd amount of money spent to prosecute, and detain marijuana users, and how much revenue could be created by regulating manufacture and sales of the plant. but instead those millions are being paid by the taxpayers, and the revenue goes to the black market. way to go.
i forget what i was talking about initially, but i know i didnt intend to create an argument for decriminalization .... oh well. smoke up friends.

i spent my lunch today talking with english martin learning the ins and outs of cricket. after hearing all about the sport, i came to the conclusion that i would be an instant superstar in this sport if only i cared enough to play it.

saturday i went to the choppin' block to see my man joe dooling play a show. it was the first time i had been able to see him play and i was impressed. my evening turned out exponentially better than it could of. i passed on a trip to providence with the chrises (kinlin, hamel, grange) laprell, eric, suge, and danielle. evidently it turned out to be 5 hours of driving in one debacle after another. ending at 3 am back in boston. suckers.

on a side note, everyone should just turn 21 so we can drink more easily. on two separate occasions this weekend plans were ruined due to underagers. i think its worse waiting for everyone else to turn 21 then it was waiting for myself.

steve is no fool. he lives evenly, and so should you.

"at some point in my life, i need to have sex with an equine"

- kinlin

am i the only one who doesnt like american idol? i was thinking that last night while it was assaulting my ears. i even came up with a valid reason why i dont like it. its not just because of the amazing overload of reality tv shows, the silly predictability of simons cutting remarks, or even that stupid asshole ryan seacrest. its the music. i just dont like the kind of music that these "idols" seem to all specialize in. every song, and potential idol, has the same soulful, long winded melisma kind of sound to it, often packed with an obscene amount of vibrato (perhaps my biggest pet peeve). if these idiots (ruben, kelly, clay and the rest included) truly are american idols, then god help us all. especially me.

this morning started off great terribly, the second i got to work (15 minutes late) i had to go to a meeting. for the meeting, it was suggested that i go get donuts and coffee, jokingly at first, then much more forcefully. so i took my bosses car got donuts, coffee, and returned for the dreadful 3 hour meeting. happily, my 1:30 team meeting hasnt been cancelled either and i get to endure/fend off sleep for another 2 hour meeting this afternoon. i did get to check off 'get coffee and donuts for coworkers' from my To-Do on co-op list. earlier this year i took care of 'make 3 hours worth of photocopies'. still yet to complete are, 'have an interoffice romance that ends with someone losing their job', 'steal an item valued at over $500', and 'knowingly sabatoge a major project, presentation, or report'.

i think a good way to please your boss is, take atleast a two hour lunch (two and a half is better), then when you get back tell him you dont want to work cause the sub i just ate is making me a little sick. plus tell him that you didnt do anything this morning either.

Raccoon Suit (rakoon soot) n.
1. Used to describe the misuse of authority; often this authority is newly acquired, or undeserved.

ex.
"Shirley is acting like a bitch lately, she has definitely been wearing her raccoon suit".

i accidentally bashed myself in the face with a hammer today. it was the unfriendly claw side too. damn.

anyone following march madness? my bracket is absolute rubbish now. many wrong picks. not as many as kinlins though.

you will all pay.

sometime early today i think, my site broke 10,000 hits ... good for mattio's lounge eh? and good for all of you who endured it over 10 thousand times.

my left shoe squeaks. i hate it.

its snowing again. stupid snow. mother nature needs to cool it with the snow and throw us some more not horrible weather. if it werent for my hour commute on the highway, i wouldnt really care about the snow. but since any kind of precipitation creates mass hysteria on the pike it is very inconvenient.

finally there is a mattjohnston.com

for those wondering who this "kinlin" kid i speak of is, just read and let the enlightenment begin

Additions to the Previous List:
Whoopi Goldberg
Cousin Larry from perfect strangers
Piper (evil caf. lady)
Estelle Getty
Stanislaw Ulam
Andrei Chikatilo
Steven Seagal
Pedro Lopez
Lorena Bobbit
Jamie Foxx
Dr. Harold Shipman
James Earl Ray (or whoever shot MLK)
Tallat Pasha
Vince McMahon

happy st. patricks day ... when beer turns green in boston.

not to linger on the whole passion of christ thing, but if the jews werent responsible for killing jesus, then who was? im not asking to be sarcastic, i really dont know. does anyone know the second half of the argument?

Worst People of All-Time (not in order):
Adolf Hitler
Vlad Tepes
Benito Mussolini
Julius Rosenberg
Mao Tse-tung
Benedict Arnold
A.J. (106 and Park)
Timothy McVeigh
Osama Bin Laden
Janis Joplin
Sadaam Hussein
Bruce Barrett (high school guidance counselor)
Slobodan Milosevic
Fidel Castro
Tomas de Torquemada
Martha Stewart
Joseph Stalin
Skeet Ulrich (just for the name)
Pol Pot
Bill Bellion (high school french teacher, volunteer fireman)
Rasputin

thats all i have for now ... and its time to go home. so lemme know who else makes the list. no doubt ill have to endure many stupid suggestions.

Buffy Does Jacksonville

beach party 2004 was a rousing success, despite my complete and total lack of preparation. thankfully my friends and roomates took the time and money to purchase delicious beverages, decorations (beachy stuff), bring in beach chairs, and invite people. i didnt do any of these things, nevermind clean the apartment before or after the party. to be fair though, not a tremendous amount of cleaning was done after the party. i also have yet to chip in for the booze or decorations. in fact, i slept from 430-930 and by then people were showing up and the boozefest had begun. despite my low involvement level i did have a fantastic time highlighted by key appearances danielle, scandier, justine, byrne (sp?) and his sister (hospital visit ... oopsy), nader, Ja, jeff allen, buckley, shaw reshaw way, pete street, and 1000 other people i never met before. good times.

good weekend. friday i went out with work buddies. disguised as team bonding, many beers were consumed on the company dollar. first we went to the sunset grill in allston, famous for its absolutley silly beer selection. 112 taps. some obscene amount of different beers. next we tried jillians where leo (age 35) got turned away for only having his hong kong id. boston billiards didnt care so we drank and played more. the older gentlemen grew tired around 12 and left me to carouse by my solo. i returned to jillians in hopes of meeting up with jess, neil, martin, and a slew of neil's crew. luckily i knew somebody working there and disappeared into Tequila Rain (the club downstairs) to continue my search. i found them, enjoyed a wet t-shirt contest, drank more beer, and stumbled home around 230. while on the home stretch, within sight of my building, you know what happens? my right shoelace comes undone. great, just what i needed. honestly retying a shoe that has already been tied ... that seems a little ridiculous. once should be more than enough.

ive been known to crack my neck. numerous times per day in fact. id say, approximately 25 times, though it actually only cracks about 10 of those times. today, one of the ten almost robbed me of my eyesight. after cracking my neck my vision went all crazy colors, bright purple, orange, yellow and red. happily my regular vision with the colors im accustomed to returned after about 5 seconds

a few days ago i wrote about my bosses boss and how he was a killing machine UFC fighter. come to find out today, he is still very active in UFC competition and has been known to come to work sporting various bandages, eyepatches, slings, stitches and casts in a fightclubesque manner. there is no doubt in my mind that this guy could, and more importantly would, tear my torso into pieces if he wanted to.

Land of Confusion - Genesis. watch the video. its a good one.

stupid white trash

The Power of Love, by Celine Dion. the first girl to sing me this song wins an invitation to marry me.

by the by, kinlin started writing again, the lazy bastard. check it out maybe. or not.

15 people were fired today from my company. many more layoffs are expected this week ... makes for a fun co-op. no way anyone is gloomy or pissed off. nope, just totally content happy workers. like kinlin.

i went to the lane health center yesterday after leaving work early to make my appointment. whoopsy, i guess my doctor didnt come into work! thanks a lot lady. plus, the next available time .... MAY 27th. absurd.

Mark Lefebvre. this man is my bosses boss. my office is directly adjacent to his. passive aggressive is his nature, going straight to my boss whenever he catches me on the computer. never will he tell me first, in fact, ive exchanged no more than 10 words with the man. unfortunately afflicted with a perma-scowl, i am deathly afraid and intimidated by him. when i spoke to my boss about my fears, he laughed and laughed. after telling me my fears were in fact very justified, he added that Mark is a former UFC (Ultimate Fighting Championship) fighter. for the uninformed/girls, this is the best (read: toughest, most gruesome) fighting league that is legal in the united states. basically it means that this guy is an animal. consequently, ive begun bringing a sharpened stick to work for protection.

has anyone seen the new commercial with the drill sergent guy from full metal jacket? shouting on and on about some crappy sporting goods store. absolutely awul. who even said drill sergents would be good salesmen for anything. such angry little men.

at 50 years old, i do not want to find myself bagging groceries in marlborough massachusetts. i also do not want to have a humongous growth on the back of my neck the size of a soccer ball. that guy does not have it made.

co-op has made me realize more and more that most people are just as, if not more, lazy than myself. for example, today there is a meeting scheduled for 1:30. because lunch generally ends around 1, and nothing can be accomplished in 30 minutes, that time is wasted at the computer writing blog entries and buying things on eBay. laziness rules.

ive heard a lot recently about 'The Passion of Christ', directed by Mel Gibson (assisted by God). i read a review that tore apart the movie and defended earlier statements that basically said that Mel Gibson is a nazi, the film is anti-semetic, blah blah blah. while i havent seen the movie and cant comment on its content, claiming god helped you direct seems a bit egotistical. mr gibson has faced a seemingly unending string of angry people grilling him about his movie and i think its only fair to step back and tell those idiots to shut up. evidently the movie makes pontious pilate look like a decent human being, and the jews like assholes. i dont care how gibson made pilate look, nor that he kept in a line where the jews admit they were wrong, and i especially dont care whether that reflects the actual events. its a movie idiots, subject to creative licenses and what not. and as to its anti-semetic nature, i can only point to the unending list of movies that make catholics look like dicks (or homosexuals/perverts): Stigmata, The Order, Priest, Primal Fear Waking the Dead, Dogma, and 40 Days and 40 Nights to name only a few. so lets see, 1 anti-jew movie, and countless anti-catholic ones. so shut up.

now a solid 3 weeks into my mustache bet i have a very nice looking piece of growth above my mouth. no way does it make me look sleazy or stupid. i scored a major victory this weekend however when neils girlfriend refused to have sex with him till he shaved his off. advantage: me.

so far spring break has been absolutely blissful. on monday and tuesday i went to this resort and had a great time. ive been going there for about a month and i love it. i dont get to be outside, drink, or have fun, but i do get to work. usually, they like me to show up around 8 and i finish up at 430. i cant wait to keep going to my fun vacation wonderland 5 days a week until july.

youngins these days

whats the deal with yawning? i was in a car yesterday, yawned, and saw a lady in a car 2 lanes away yawning. perhaps yawning is some kind of super power ability to force others to do what you want. to determine if that is the case, i will be spending the remainder of the day honing my telepathic, and telekinetic abilities. plus i can jump real high.

kinlin and eric. because you do nothing at work all day long, and share my passion for the family guy: waste some time here

this saturday my pseudo hippy ex-boss is playing at copperfields. all non-homosexuals must attend.

ah yes, montreal. names (except for mine) will be changed/purposefully omitted to protect the "guilty". what a good time. i do believe that i saw atleast one of the hottest girls ive ever seen, probably about 4. absolutely flawless. its hard to put into text all of the nonsense that went on, i guess ill try though. after spending hundreds of dollars (me anyway) at the casino, we decided to go to a strip club saturday afternoon. what better than sitting down and seeing some tits. after watching a lil while i purchased a contact dance for my friend. seeing the grin on his face, i decided that i would get one for myself. very enlightening. as the previous entry plainly states, i know what fake tits feel like now. most of us enjoyed contact dances, and a couple of us (me and others) got the combo dance. i cant remember what it was really called, but two of us, could pick two girls, and .... you know. the two girls i was able to experience were absolutely amazing. plus they were sisters. and the younger one spoke like 2 words of english, so they would be talking in french virtually the whole time. breathtaking. i know youre probably saying to yourself, "yeah, sure they were sisters". but they were. you could tell. now stop contradicting me. the best quote afterward (paraphrased) ... "she said she liked my cologne, but i think she really liked me". no she did not. no she did not. but who cares.

i know what fake boobs feel like.

going to montreal tonight after work. hopefully, stories and pictures should be coming. im tired.

i made a pathetic attempt at selling my tv earlier this year. after posting my ad, i received only one response, from this guy:

Hi! I am very interested in your tv. If you still have it and want to get rid of it, you may consider to donate it. I would like to have one, but I cannot afford it right now. I could pickt it up today if you want. Please, if you don't agree with my suggestions, disregard this email. Have a blessed day!!!!!

yeah right jerk.

lots of things going on that are worthy of writing about ... most of them i have already forgotten but here is some stuff:

went home this weekend ... saw my brothers and a few friends (though not even close to the amount that i had planned) thank you to crystal and angela for honouring me with their presence for 14 minutes.

A-rod now plays for the yankees. this does not bother me at all. despite his impressive numbers, he is switching positions as well as stadiums which should affect his defensive and offensive performance respectively.

My weekly meetings at work have become 2 hour battles to tay awake. i cant see how anyone can remain alert under these conditions. meetings take place after lunch, in a very warm room full of comfortable chairs. i never make it.

neil and myself have decided to have a mustache contest ... whoever keeps theirs the longest wins. only true mustaches count because any other facial hair can only make you look less like a scumbag/porno star. i was the favorite "pre-bet" but we'll see ... incidentally, today is day 3 of the bet.

today i learned three different methods of beating ladies without marks being left: rubber hoses, phone books, and a bag full of oranges. on a personal note, baseball bats DEFINITELY will leave marks.

our second weekly poker game was last night. my total winnings are now -14 dollars. im getting better though ... actually, im not. but i will.

drinking alcohol. i used to find great joy in it, but in the last 2 months it seems to have lost its luster ... getting drunk seems like a burden and responsibility rather than a fun and reckless way to piss away my money. but when the weekend comes i feel like i owe it to myself to party, because i can, rather than because i want to. but once i actually AM drunk, i dont mind one single bit. unless of course i forced myself to drink and have a good time (the latter of which is very hard), in which case i would just be drunk and having a bad time.

I was able to donate blood yesterday for the first time in 4 tries. the previous 3 tries were stymied by being in the amazon, and getting 2 tatoos respectively. it makes a lot of sense to give blood ... not only does someone get my blood, i get to sit in a chair and not do work for an hour or so, i get free food, a free t-shirt, plus if my blood is infected with anything they let me know, so it works like a free west nile, aids, hepatitas test. gotta love it.

me, veronica, kinlin, st louis, and hamel were all hanging out, and we decided that some food would really hit the spot. since myself and hamel had planned ahead we began to devour our food, while kinlin and the saint ordered food from Elia's. when the food arrived kinlin eagerly tore into the packaging containing his tunafish sub, wanting nothing more than to treat himself to a tasty sandwich. when he opened up the sub, there was nothing except for lettuce in it. we all laughed and laughed that he had paid for a lettuce sub. we jeered and screamed as though our team had won the superbowl and we were about to cause some mayhem. so he calls Elia's up, demands they come look at his lettuce sandwich and give him a new one. after he hung up the phone, he continued to look bewilderdly at his lettuce sandwich and discovered something that he wish he hadnt. sure enough, it was a fine tuna fish paste that had been slathered (though in very low proportions) below the carpet of lettuce. kinlin then had to call BACK to Elia's and tell them what an asshole he was that he just couldnt find the tuna fish and there was no need to come and give him another sandwich. this call was followed by more spirited taunting and jeering. finally, he bit into his sandwich only to find that, "this tastes real lettucy". classic.

today i attended a semenar on "green chemistry", or chemistry that is environmentally friendly. it was very informative and boring. knowing that i was the only co-op (out of like 15) going, and that there would be many executives there, i decided to put on nice pants, shoes, and a collared shirt to seem like less of a dirty asshole. in a moment of pure selflessness, i also decided that i would fix my hair. my logic was that since i had had nothing but good experiences with co-op, especially here at Rohm and Haas (my company just switched names (formally Shipley Company)), i would give something back. knowing that all business executives are close minded and stupid, i couldnt give them the chance to see unkempt hair and give the axe to the co-op program ... a bit extreme perhaps, but i took no chances. after many minutes of wetting and patting, i left 175 well dressed and with a poorly done side part. little did i know what was in store for me when i arrived. i had no idea that i had set the bar so low for myself. unbelievably, all i need to do to gain the respect and admiration of my coworkers is to come into work with my hair not out of control for one day.

while emptying hazardous waste into the recepticle, i couldnt help but notice that brown colored vapors were coming out of the tank. i also noticed that i was breathing them and that my throat hurt. recalling similar days when my throat hurt i wonder how many times ive breathed the sweet sweet goodness of some random gas i generated by mixing random (sort of) chemicals in a waste bin.

i had my first bout with jury duty this week. im at work now however, which isnt quite as easy. i will write about this past week at a later time since it is clear i have been negligent since the 26th. to be fair (to me), performing civil duties can be quite time consuming and tiresome. bitch.

my 10 oclock meeting today was exceptionally enlightening. as discussions of high current density polarizers, carriers and brighteners were excitedly analyzed by my team, my own mind wandered aimlessly. the whole point of coop (at least i thought) was to bridge the gap between theoretical knowledge and practical knowledge (school and work). however, while staring blankly at the lists and terms on the dry erase board i decided that that gap is a large one indeed. i, in fact, had only enough of an idea to realize i would not able to grasp these concepts without additional explanation. in conclusion, coop makes me feel like a retard.

i heard someone today ask the following question "Do you lie?". upon thinking about it, i realized that it was a pointless one. if you actually needed it answered (i.e. you dont know if they lie or not) then how can you possibly trust the answer. ridiculous.

Experiment Name: Random Spill Test

Objective: To determine the effects of concentrated nitric acid (15.2 Normal) with respect to different materials

Materials: Nitric acid, human flesh, various clothing materials

Results:
Blue labcoat, 80% poly, 20% cotton
effect - turned bright yellow wherever the nitric touched it

Blue pants, 60% poly, 40% cotton
effect - discoloration wherever the nitric made contact

Human Flesh
effect - initially contact points were red, then yellow, the red again. despite being held under a constant stream of water immense irritation and horrible burning persistant for several hours.

Conclusion:
never get nitric acid on me ever again. perhaps my lab coat could become more festive with added color to its current drabness.

Fact:
All hot girls hang out with girls that are ugly/fat

Fact:
Not all ugly girls have hot friends

im in love with the shipley time card girl.

i dont mean to alarm anyone, but according to the recently installed facial recognition software there is a 95% chance that i saw santa claus in the gym yesterday.

lots of exciting things going on. the lowest temperatures in decades being recorded, a second week of co-op completed for many northeasterners (and classes for the rest), patriots playing in the AFC championship game, and probably some other real good stuff. anyway, i rarely have the time to write like i did on my last co-op, so often my good ideas, criticism, and sarcastic remarks remain unshared. not too much i can do about this though, my memory is definitely getting worse, and motivation to find a solution is virtually nonexistent.

i have recently returned to the gym after my nice long break. needless to say, i overworked each and every muscle group so routine activities like sitting up in bed, taking off my jacket, and crushing peoples skulls with my fists are now near impossible. luckily, i should be good as new for this weekend (which begins in approximately 15 minutes).

im going to the bar on saturday night i think should anyone desire to join me.

due to my imminent passing (probably, ok, well maybe), i have begun to compile a list of Don'ts to assist anyone wise enough to read this list and heed its warnings:

1. First, here is an important list
Now I will commence with the list of things of learned in my 21 years:
2. Do not fry bacon without a shirt on
3. Do not run naked through prickers
4. Avoid breaking objects over your forehead
5. Don't pour hot gel from those "new age" candles on your hand thinking it wont hurt like wax doesnt
6. Do not dump acetone on your coffee table cause it will take the stain off of it and youll have to put up with countless questions
7. Don't consistently beat up your little brother, especially when he grows to be several inches taller than you
8. Runing with scissors is ok unless you are running and trying to cut something at the same time
9. Do not allow someone to shoot a blowdart at you ... it hurts more than you think
10. Prevent all police altercations at parties by dressing properly ... a warm jacket in winter, running shoes at all times,etc and learn the easiest escape routes
11. Do not be ashamed of begging your teachers for both sex and better grades
12. Don't tell a girl you like her unless you a.) know what she thinks, b.) have another girl to go after if it doesnt work out with this one
13. Don't swim within a half hour after eating, you might get a nasty cramp that can be sort of a mild annoyance.
14. Any diet (atkins) that replaces all worldly staples that have sustained the human race for 5000 years, i.e. potatoes, bread, rice, etc. with bacon, is a stupid and bad idea. it just doesnt make sense folks. plus i love bacon

HOLY SHIT. ON A SIDE NOTE NO WHERE NEAR THIS LIST. I just read 2 consecutive entries from tuesday 19, 2002 in which i said the same exact thing. im awful. also, how bout my last 4 posts ... lots of work went into those. ok, back to the list

15. Don't swear at your boss on your first day
16. Don't tell your boss he is within 5 years of dying
17. Don't make fun of coworkers wives and children
18. Elaborate schemes to avoid doing work are often more work than the original work

i had planned on a larger list, but ... i guess i havent accumulated the wisdom needed for more than 18 items.

my day was ruined approximately 30 seconds ago when someone mentioned that i look like clay aiken. fuck that guy.

yeah, i have sort of been busy at work.

im at work now. started on monday. man i am going to delete this later cause it is boring me as i write it.

way to go hanover pa, way to go