norman chad can die

i just found this on fark.com. it made me laugh and laugh and laugh. dont read it at work. louis, if you read this (probably not) you should write something like this.

The Girls I Have Dated

yeah so a bunch has happened since last i wrote. i started my new job and it is difficult to learn all the bazillion things i need to know. i am really gonna kick ass at it though, and i should be making absurd advances in my career much faster than anticipated. i am good. now i will commence writing in the weird "paragraphs" of scattered thought that has been my style of choice for a little while.

has anyone been through detroit's airport? when you switch terminals you have to travel underneath the runway and through this crazy fairyland tunnel. there are the moving sidewalks which pleasantly speed up the passage but in the hemispherical tunnel the entire thing is set up with crazy alternating color swirls with ocean sounds and weird music playing on unseen speakers.

i got to fly on a saab 340 airplane. it was a little prop plane that appeared to have been assembled in a kit earlier. also, if im not mistaken it had duct tape on the propellers. very reassuring.

im not a giant fan of the phrase: the world is a strange place. i mean, what normalcy are we using as a comparison? the world is a strange place, but jupiter, that shit is regular ...? ridiculous.

i actually heard vanilla ice - ice, ice, baby come on the overhead speakers when i was in a store the other day. this made me pleased.

when chuck woolery (sp?) says "we'll be back for round 2, 2 in 2" are commerical breaks always 2 minutes? ive never cared enough to time them. someone please let me know.

whats the deal with "secure lines"? how does that shit even work. why not make all the lines always secure. damned NSA.

why do people use sleep aids? what, they dont sell booze in your neighborhood? come on, getting drunk is much more fun and probably about as bad for you.

in finding my apartment, my realtors name was tommie. she was a lady. she named her daughters michael and morgan. hows your boy named sue complex.

it took a movie with (cough) keanu reeves to realize exactly what kind of chaos a major clean energy technology would cause worldwide. imagine cold fusion is brought to the market, cheap, clean energy ... the countries controlling the major oil stockpiles will have economies that crash and lots of bad things will ensue.

my xbox 360 has extraordinary graphics, control and gameplay. however, how long before we can get resonable looking facial graphics for speech? jeez, those still look foolishly bad and out of sync with the rest of the system.

i found it amusing that i chose my life insurance beneficiaries based solely on whose address i could remember. nicely done me.

i heard the phrase "a horse a piece" and from context i think it means that there is no difference between two things. for example, as far as efficiency they are a horse a piece.

my new apartment is located at 44.452583 N, 89.745158 W. check it out on google earth.

happy birthday emerson, shelly, and shaw reshaw.

okay, so i bought a car today. its better than yours.

check out this quote from the president of russia: the israeli president "turned out to be quite a powerful man. He raped 10 women. I never expected it from him. He surprised all of us. We all envy him."

good one buddy.

also, check out this letter (could be fake ... but its still funny) from the worst rated player in madden football
Ethan Albright

i have recently "confirmed" what i have for several years suspected: i met kevin heffernan (aka Farva). and i must admit that i use the term met loosely. they (broken lizard) were touring colleges in the east offering free showings of super troopers and handing out flyers in front of northeastern. mr. heffernan shoved a flyer in my face and said, "come see a free movie, its fuckin hilarious". i didnt go. lesson learned: go see free movies and get autographs/pictures with the jerks stuffing flyers down your shirt.

lets see, since i last wrote:

- i went to michigan and bombed an interview
- i woke up in my yard after apparently passing out while returning with the mail. a squadron of wild turkeys were all around me. i swore off drinking for about a day
- i turned 24 years old
- i went to wisconsin for an interview
- i was offered oral sex from a gay man
- after having my flight delayed i was put up in a hotel and met chief crazy lightning face who i think was homeless
- at the same hotel bar i got outrageously drunk and fell asleep on the floor of my hotel room
- i got a flat tire that required 3 people, several hours, and 14 different tools to change
- my insurance expired as did my registration
- i registered my car, though i havent, nor do i plan to inspect it
- i got high speed internet
- i saw and hated x3: the final stand
- other movies ive seen: lucky # slevin, the aviator, national lampoons gold diggers, taxi, deer hunter, thank you for smoking, crank, pirates of the caribbean: dead mans chest, airplane!, a bright shining lie, the new world, grilled, poseidon
- i read 4 books
- i decided to buy a subaru forester (i havent actually bought it yet)
- i saw the dane cook hbo special
- i received the big book of bunny suicides. i laughed, and felt a little bad
- i vowed that next year is the year the red sox will win the division
- i lost 3 weeks in fantasy football

umm, probably some other stuff happened, perhaps even important stuff. i dunno

ok, so heres the setting. im walking through the manchester mall (it may have some other name) looking pretty much like a scumbag. dirty, smelly ass sandals, gross toenails, unshaven for several days, i probably reeked of BO. anyway, i was walking by myself through the mall to get some shit and i ran into a, ummm, latino thug.

ps. i guess i sorta bumped into and then spent many seconds staring at his lady friend

latino guy: hey, you lookin at somethin
me: i was looking at your sister. shes very pretty.
latino guy: thats my girlfriend
me: youre dating your sister? thats gross
latino guy: MURDER (MERDA)

i made that up.

"its like, if youre nice to them, they bring you things"

"just one little binger can brighten up your day"

ATLANTA -- Police are trying to figure out why a man burst into a home and stripped down.
Officers say the man walked into a home in Texarkana, Arkansas yesterday and told two women he was sent there to have sex with them.
When the man took off his clothes, the women called police.
The suspect then ran out of the house to a horse pasture and tried to climb on top of a horse to make a getaway.
Police arrested him before he could run away.

i have just received word of a Futurama movie. this pleases me.

i found this list on my coffee table:

shiza on your visor
poo on your doo
scat on your hat
turd on your bird
brown on your crown
slop on your top
crap on your cap
flop on your mop
smellin on your melon
bung on your tongue
flow on your fro
bowel on your scowel
rain on your brain
moca butt on your coconut
cream rocks on your dream box
ass splatter on your gray matter
blob on your nob
boodle on your noodle
dump sin on your pumpkin
stank on your think tank
stinker on your thinker
fig on your wig
missle on your bristle
liquid shit in your mouth
bloody dump up your nostrils

my favorite is the ass splatter one.

i remember his name now. ferrin (farin? ferin? farrin?) something like that. i assume thats a last name.

okay. so there is some news on the job front. however, too many pieces are in play to mention anything in a public forum such as this.

next, i just finished Closer. im not sure how i feel about this film.

this past weekend i went to a 4-wheeling party. thats right. lots of mud, a bbq and a fire. it doesnt get any better. i had some flyers for a coupla fairs around my neck of the woods because frankly, i could barely believe some of the "events" scheduled. for example, the cow flop drop. for those unfamiliar with this, a field is divided into grids and each one is sold, sorta like a raffle. wherever the cow shits, thats who wins. sweet right? it barely gets more rednecky than that. also scheduled are a minivan demolition derby, goat milk-off, a horse pull, tractor pull, and everything else you can imagine pull. i really wish i hadnt lost those flyers, cause there was shit i had never even heard of. awesome.

i hung out with some kids i hadnt seen since pretty much highschool this weekend. pretty unreal. i also went kayaking on grafton pond on sunday. friggin awesome. except im burned. but awesome still. umm, well thats mostly all of it though i had planned on writing it a little less all over the place.

oh yeah, ive been reading Tom Robbins lately. some interesting stuff. id describe it as a little like kurt vonnegut (admittedly ive only read one of his: Breakfast of Champions) but hes more of a perv and has a thing for redhead protagonists. good stuff. thanks to that crazy guy whose name i cant remember for suggesting them. i met him through the hamels: he knew a lot of dead baby jokes, and hung out with jay and matt dunn. thats all i can say.

okay, i guess im done for now.