im getting murdered with work this week. on the brightside, it should be my biggest 1-week paycheck of all-time. i am the king.

if i had money, ill tell you what i wouldnt do: go downtown and buy a mercury or two. in fact, its hard to imagine the circumstances where i would in fact go downtown and buy a mercury or two.

long day of work today. left at 630, ill prolly get back 815. mmm hmmm. bitch.

"the pope was catholic, right?"

-ben

if i was in possession of, say, 450 well conditioned athletic male slaves, i would build so much stuff. naturally i would also need no more than 10 well conditioned athletic female slaves. you dont want too many female slaves. when girls hang around with each other a lot their cycles get in sync with each other. that fact makes me afraid. definitely hafta separate them. otherwise id be crushed under a wave of horrible, destructive, smelly estrogen. i would first build a giant hexagonal complex, which i would call The Hexagon. id need a helicopter pad, perhaps a small airstrip would do. extensive underground bunkers and passageways would need to be prepared before the surface-side portion of the campus. after the slaves finished the construction, im sure i would hire them for a variety of positions. gardners, pool men, those guys who wave the colored batons on the runway, and security personel. and janitors. although it would be tough trusting a slave with your security. seems to be begging of a mutiny. maybe id have to hire the security guys from specta guard or something. maybe i could pay them with slave-mined gravel. ill think of something.

for those who dont know, the following people/groups will be coming to our spring weekend: Moby, Less Than Jake, Mos Def, and ...... MR BELDING. i guess hes gonna give a lecture or something. should be amusing.

20002

Free Will

this is a topic which i havent thought much about, and i came across an article about it which made me do just that. so here goes: do we have free will? or do we merely think that we do? many religions preach that we do not (Gods master plan, destiny, fate, etc.) while at the same time science has also cast a shadow on free will with genetics and environment research. the basic theory is that if you have the same genes, and are raised in identical environments, then you will be the same. however as environments are incredibly complex (im not talking about nature and shit, but rather the people around you and in society) it is impossible to test the hypothesis without creating coditions no one naturally encounters (i.e. completely quarantined with all contact with the world filtered and controlled, sorta like the truman show). however, it has always been my understanding that free will exists. in fact, for me, it has to. its not that i dont believe in god, or the science behind genetics. rather it is entirely too depressing to think that free will is an illusion. what would be the point of trying to achieve anything if it didnt make a difference. if it was destined to happen, then why should i trouble myself with doing it. somebody else will. who cares. i cant think of a more reasonable reason for suicide. if nothing i do matters, fuck it, im out.

this raises an interesting point. if nothing i do matters, then i can essentially live without consequence. no "bad" or "evil" actions will damage the overall integrity of the world because it is all preordained. obviously, consequences for actions are inevitable, both positive and negative. thus, one can surmise that the only goal in life is to limit your own negative consequences, and promote the positive consequences. or simply, live the best life you can.

my feeling is, that we need atleast the impression of free will. mankind needs goals. every innovation (and indeed every action) has been for a purpose, no matter how mundane or seemingly meaningless. without goals, we would waste our lives away, economies would crash and civilization would crumble. people would have no reason to exist. we need purpose. we yearn for it. this is how all afterlife existence was introduced. naturally, no one knows what happens post-death, so we created a variety of afterlives in which we were either rewarded or penalized for our earthly lives. with no one able to dispute the existence or nonexistence of an afterlife, the ultimate goal had been set. be a good person, lead a good life, and you will spend eternity in heaven (or reincarnated as something really cool, like a hawk or something).

religions were created, and yes, they were created, to solve the simplest (or atleast shortest) question of alltime: Why?. each has a basic set of rules that must be abided by to ensure a trip to the afterlife, be it heaven, reincarnation, or total enlightenment. while i kind of wandered from the subject of free will, i will continue on with this religious ramble. atleast for a sentence or two. ok now im done. just kidding. anyway, my personal beliefs do not fall into any of the major categories for religion but rather encorporate portions of many different ones. even though i think that the site is atleast partially made to be comical, i find that their articles of faith are remarkably succinct and inline with my own thinkings. i speak of course of The Universal Church Triumphant of the Apathetic Agnostic.

oh yeah, and here is the post about free will that spawned this long and probably nonsensical entry.

DUCKS. i took this from jakes profile. he has a pet duck.

these are the kind of people who join the army. likely welcomed with open arms.

through a combination of our cable inexplicably not working and my own lack of attentiveness of Red Sox news, the Kim trade escaped me until moments ago. when i learned that that asshole, byung-yung kim, had been sent to the rockies, i literally stood up and cheered at my desk. i received some dirty looks. however, when i explained they joined in. we are having an impromtu party to celebrate later this afternoon.

days like today im glad to be at work. wait, actually no im not.

Long live Paul Revere and the Raiders

you know what i havent heard much about lately? steroids. or barry bonds for that matter. i cant imagine anyone is fed up with steroids yet. who cares about highlights, sportscenter should be all steroids, all the time.


through intercompany email invitations to meetings can be rejected or accepted and the meeting is automatically added to your calendar. when you turn down an invitation, an email is sent to the invitor with a very comical thumbs down picture. when you accept the picture is a lame handshake or something. i make a point of turning them all down.

damn you hootie and your catchy jingle. my head is swirling with brooke burkes face and 'Crispy Chicken Bacon Chedder Ra-anch'. i have made a short list of various ad campaigns that have caught my attention over the years. however, my memory is poor so more recent commercials are more likely to appear on the list. ben and colleen thought of a few.

MacDonalds (im hatin' it) - these commercials are worthless. macdonalds should be sued for "appealing to the minorities by using improper grammar and hip-hop oriented commercials"

Subway - when will Jared die?

Burger King - quality has varied throughout the years, but i enjoy the newer "I'm Spicy" series

Taco Bell - yo odio el perro pequeno. y Taco Bell tambien.

Sam Adams - i dont really like Sam Adams. the worst one is where he is sneaking around in the kitchen and stole the last piece of pizza. always a good time to steal pizza.

Budweiser - remember the frogs? they were huge. it should have been ended a little earlier though. got played out.

Heineken - some of these were okay. the keg can ones made me lol (laugh out loud).

Miller - the taste loss ads are well crafted. i enjoy them.

Corona - they get the award for showing exactly what i would like to be doing at any moment of my work day. sitting on a beach, drinking beer.

Old Navy - sweet christ these are awful. and getting worse. morgan fairchild is hot for an older lady.

Gap - almost as bad as old navy.

Verizon - can you hear ME now? i will kill you.

Mastercard - having an ad campaign you can use for a couple decades: priceless.

Dan and Dave - this may have been a macdonalds thing. they were the two american decatheletes ('92 olympics maybe ...) who were the favorites to win. they sorta fizzled away when one of them (who cares which) failed to QUALIFY for the olympics. oops.

MTV - i usually dont understand MTVs commercials.

Any Cologne or Perfume - generally awful. this goes for deoderant commercials too.

Bernie and Phyl - quality, comfort, price, and bad commercials

Geico - i was fooled by many of geicos commercials. that gecko should be eliminated though.

Wachovia (Watch ova ya ... money) - what can a deadly tsunami teach us about the market? what starts as an underground landslide can kill thousands and devastate entire nations. wachovia has neat music in the background.

Cialis - 4 hour erection ... either call a doctor, or as many girls as you can. does your penis explode after 4 hours?

Viagra - hearing the performance capabilities of bob dole and raph palmero is not good.

Sportscenter - consistently stellar. thats right, stellar.

Energizer - these were fabulous, and before their time. like geico, i remember being fooled by these several times. that damn bunny beating his drum.

(Joe) Camel - the single largest reason i smoke cigarettes. that and peer pressure.

Volkswagen - Da Da Da. very solid commercials over the years. i especially enjoyed the one with everything on beat: windshield wipers, basketball bouncing, car door slamming. you know.

Nike - i hated the one where theres just a herd of people running around the prairie. i enjoy the latest ad with the scary masks. pujols mask reminds me of The Mask. Rivera got a raw deal. his mask sorta stinks.

NCAA - i just saw this one yesterday. hordes of ants cover a basketball stadium. it creeps me out.

Daily Show - while i enjoy the show itself, jon stewarts 15 second promos are usually not even sort of funny.

now time for the commercials that were ineffective in making me remember the product they were for:

phone company - the misheard cell phone message, might be verizon: Im Panda Claus! great commercial. the others werent as good.

some blood sugar testing equipment (or something to do with diabetes) - a little girl looks at the camera and pouts "i got the beedies"

office linebacker - basic premise involves office employees getting blindsided by a linebacker for making minor errors.

Juicy Fruit (i think) - people disguised as water coolers, buildings, and window blinds attack each other.

Chevy (maybe) - there is a decent scene where a bumpy road causes a cooler to fly out of the truck bed and a huge raw turkey is flung onto the ground.

random generalizations

commercials for prescription drugs should atleast mention what they are for. no one is going to ask their doctor if a medication is right for them when they dont know what it does:

me: is Proactylyte right for me?
doctor: well, um, no. that is cream for dirty vaginas.
me: well a commercial told me to ask you.
doctor: dont ever ask me anything like that again.

just because you say your real name on the commercial, doesnt make me want your product. especially if you are D-list celebrity. who the hell is lindsay wagner? not to mention theyre almost always peddling a terrible, overpriced product. yeah, im gonna pay 1500 bucks for a mattress.

if ive missed any major ones, lemme know, and if i get to it maybe ill write about it. SNL commercials are brilliant, but fake, and thus ineligible.

ps. ive specifically omitted coke and pepsi. their commercials are numerous, and many are mildly humorous. however, ever since their war in which they pitted britney vs. christena for an entire superbowl, their commercials have done nothing but inspire rage inside me.

word of the day: mouth-breather.

school shootings are not funny. click here and you can see the video that a pyscho made in his spare time.

if i were gay, i would definitely make my man lover get breast implants.