i wish i could take credit for this.
Fuck the South. Fuck 'em. We should have let them gowhen they wanted to leave. But no, we had to kill halfa million people so they'd stay part of our specialUnion. Fighting for the right to keep slaves - yeah,those are states we want to keep.
And now what do we get? We're the fucking ArrogantNortheast Liberal Elite? How about this for arrogant:the South is the Real America? The Authentic America.
Really?Cause we fucking founded this country, assholes. ThoseFounding Fathers you keep going on and on about? Allthat bullshit about what you think they meant by theSecond Amendment giving you the right to keep yourassault weapons in the glove compartment because youdidn't bother to read the first half of the fuckingsentence? Who do you think those wig-wearinglacy-shirt sporting revolutionaries were? They werefucking blue-staters, dickhead. Boston? Philadelphia?New York? Hello? Think there might be a reason all the fucking monuments are up here in our backyard?No, No. Get the fuck out. We're not letting you visit the Liberty Bell and fucking Plymouth Rock anymore until you get over your real American selves and star trespecting those other nine amendments. Who do youthink those fucking stripes on the flag are for? Nine are for fucking blue states. And it would be 10 if those Vermonters had gotten their fucking Subarus together and broken off from New York a little earlier. Get it? We started this shit, so don't get all uppityabout how real you are you Johnny-come-lately "Oooooh I've been a state for almost a hundred years" dickheads. Fuck off.
Arrogant? You wanna talk about us Northeasterners being fucking arrogant? What's more American than arrogance? Hmmm? Maybe horsies? I don't think so. Arrogance is the fucking cornerstone of what it means to be American. And I wouldn't be so fucking arrogant if I wasn't paying for your fucking bridges, bitch. All those Federal taxes you love to hate? It all comes from us and goes to you, so shut up and enjoy your fucking Tennessee Valley Authority electricity andy our fancy highways that we paid for. And the next time Florida gets hit by a hurricane you can come crying to us if you want to, but you're the ones who built on a fucking swamp. "Let the Spanish keep it, it’s a shithole," we said, but you had to have your fucking orange juice. The next dickwad who says, "It’s your money, not the government's money" is gonna get their ass kicked. Nine of the ten states that get the most federa lfucking dollars and pay the least... can you guess? Go on, guess. That’s right, motherfucker, they're redstates. And eight of the ten states that receive the least and pay the most? It’s too easy, asshole, they’re blue states. It’s not your money, assholes, it’s our fucking money.
What was that Real AmericanValue you were spouting a minute ago? Self reliance? Try this for self reliance: buy your own fucking stopsigns, assholes.
Let’s talk about those values for a fucking minute. You and your Southern values can bite my ass because the blue states got the values over you fucking Real Americans every day of the goddamn week. Which state do you think has the lowest divorce rate you marriage-hyping dickwads? Well? Can you guess? It’s fucking Massachusetts, the fucking center of the gaymarriage universe. Yes, that’s right, the state you love to tie around the neck of anyone to the left of Strom Thurmond has the lowest divorce rate in the fucking nation. Think that’s just some aberration? How about this: 9 of the 10 lowest divorce rates are fucking blue states, asshole, and most are in the Northeast, where our values suck so bad. And where arethe highest divorce rates? Care to fucking guess? 10of the top 10 are fucking red-asswe're-so-fucking-moral states. And while Nevada is theworst, the Bible Belt is doing it's fucking part. But two guys making out is going to fucking ruin marriage for you? Yeah? Seems like you're ruining it pretty well on your own, you little bastards. Oh, but that's ok because you go to church, right? I mean you do, right? Cause we fucking get to hear about it every goddamn year at election time. Yes, we're fascinated by how you get up every Sunday morning and sing, and then you're fucking towers of moral superiority. Yeah, that's a workable formula. Maybe us fucking Northerners don't talk about religion as much as you because we're not so busy sinning, hmmm? Ever think of that, you self-righteous assholes? No, you're too busy erecting giant stone tablets of the Ten Commandmentsin buildings paid for by the fucking Northeast LiberalElite. And who has the highest murder rates in the nation? It ain't us up here in the North, assholes. Well this gravy train is fucking over. Take your liberal-bashing,federal-tax-leaching, confederate-flag-waving, holier-than-thou, hypocritical bullshit and shove it up your ass. And no, you can't have your fucking convention in NewYork next time. Fuck off.
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
no entries in almost two months you say? i was busy. everytime i read this i laugh. maybe you will too:
I like monkeys.
The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Cheap monkeys.
I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.
I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.
I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.
I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't wantto call the plumber. I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately,there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to changethem every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer soit didn't all go bad.
I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys inmy freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odorwasn't improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.
I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.
I like monkeys.
I like monkeys.
The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Cheap monkeys.
I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.
I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.
I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.
I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't wantto call the plumber. I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately,there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to changethem every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer soit didn't all go bad.
I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys inmy freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odorwasn't improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.
I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.
I like monkeys.
Monday, September 20, 2004
my friends decided, while shitfaced, to poke through some girls purse and steal her money. evidently, she only had those obnoxious dollar coins. laprel's response was something along these lines:
Hey Sacagawea, your money called. Get out of here.
seinfeld meets booze meets evil coinage worth more than 25 cents
Hey Sacagawea, your money called. Get out of here.
seinfeld meets booze meets evil coinage worth more than 25 cents
Thursday, September 02, 2004
Wednesday, September 01, 2004
internet and cable were shut off in my apartment today. makes for a boring place to be ive found. also, it destroys my only 2 forms of communication aol im, and email. even better, i have no way to tell my roomates that it happened. cool huh. i just have to hope that a.) they stop by, or b.) notice that im not online and correlate that to it being september first and us not having had pay the bill. both unlikely.
Monday, August 30, 2004
the dave matthews band and or bus driver are being sued for allegedly dumping 80-100 gallons of human waste off a bridge and onto a tour boat carrying, get this, approximately 109 tour boat passengers including disabled people, senior citizens, a pregnant woman, a small child and an infant. hey tourists, sorry about the 100 gallons of shit we poured all over you ...
by the way, this was on the 8th of august, and i learned of its existence only moments ago. has everyone else heard about this? seems like it would be kind of a big deal.
by the way, this was on the 8th of august, and i learned of its existence only moments ago. has everyone else heard about this? seems like it would be kind of a big deal.
did anyone watch the VMA's? hot damn did the singer from hoobastank suck hog. likely his monitor wasnt working or whatever, but he made my ears cry when he was singing his much touted (sp?) single "the reason". sweet jesus was it terrible to hear. not the catchy tune i was used to. i coudlnt help but cringe and feel as though i was being beaten with a tone deaf corpse. awful.
Monday, August 23, 2004
watching jeopardy today i confirmed i am smarter than atleast three 12 year olds. i only missed 2 questions on the whole show.
on a side note, i find the media to be generally obnoxious.
peter gammons broke my heart today in his discussion on sportscenter regarding possible AL MVP's. he mentioned gary sheffield, and vladimir guerrero as favorites with ichiro and miguel tejada splitting votes for players on losing teams. hearing no red sox mentioned, i set out to investigate if i was just being a home town fan. i will analyze the following stats: batting average (BA), total bases, extra-base hits (XBH), doubles, homers, RBI's, and on base percentage (OBP). to those who ask "what about Jeter? sure he struggled a little but he made the allstar team as the starter and he is a real team leader", let me respond. jeter has been nothing short of terrible this year. just look at the numbers. everyone knows the allstar game is a sham (popularity contest at best) and being a team leader makes you a team MVP, not a league MVP. another question is, did i chose specific stats to make my case? of course i did, thats what stats are for. keep in mind that i dont have walks, strikeouts, slugging percentage, fielding percentage, and basestealing stats. it took me sort of awhile to do this, knowing full well that everyone reading it has a cumulative number of MVP votes equal to zero. regardless:
Ichiro Suzuki:
ranked first in batting average by a wide margin, first in hits, second in OBP and 7th in total bases. however, he shows up no where in any of the real power hitting categories. here is why he should be the MVP: he has a legit chance to break both .400 and the hit/season record, steals bases, and plays great defense. here is why he shouldnt: the mariners stink. they are terrible. and all his bazillion singles dont make any kind of real impact on that.
Vladimir Guerrero:
5th in average, tied 3rd (T3) in total bases, T4 in hits, T5 in XB hits, T8 in doubles, 7th in homers, T4 in RBI's, 17th in OBP. armed with a canon he plays good defensive outfield and his angels are doing amazing considering the injuries he sustained. heres why he shouldnt be the MVP: look at some of the stats in following players and youll know.
Manny Ramirez:
6th in average, 2nd in total bases, T13 in hits, 2nd in XB hits, T6 in doubles, 1st in homers, 3rd in RBIs, and 3rd in OBP. manny plays suspect defense (though generally solid), and steals few bases. few homerun hitters do.
Alex Rodriguez:
putting this mans rankings down is a waste of time. he doesnt compare. last out of this group in almost every category. he does play gold glove defense at a new position. however, nobody outside of new york cares. not one single vote should go to this guy.
Miguel Tejada:
7th in average, T3 in total bases, 3rd in hits, 3rd in XB hits, T4 in doubles, T10 in homers, 1st in RBI's, 23rd in OBP. he plays outstanding shortstop for a crummy orioles team. based on his RBI numbers id vote for him except he is getting hosed in a bunch of other categories and plays for a BAD team.
David Ortiz:
17 in avg., 1st in total bases, 16th in hits, 1st in XB hits, 3rd in doubles, T2 in homers, 2nd in RBI's and 18 in OBP. critics argue he is a DH and therefore half a player. they are wrong. he is destroying the ball and in the top 5 in several key power categories.
Gary Sheffield:
22nd in average, 6th in total bases, T23 in hits, T10 in XB hits, T2 in homers, 6th in RBIs and 6th in OBP. has a cannon arm and is playing hurt (who isnt you crybaby?) plain and simple, he shouldnt be the MVP. gets sympathy votes because as of late he has been real hot and the rest of the yankees havent.
i agree this must be a bit cumbersome to read if anyone did. and tabulated data would have been much better, but importing a table from excel requires ftp space that i dont have. so die.
on a side note, i find the media to be generally obnoxious.
peter gammons broke my heart today in his discussion on sportscenter regarding possible AL MVP's. he mentioned gary sheffield, and vladimir guerrero as favorites with ichiro and miguel tejada splitting votes for players on losing teams. hearing no red sox mentioned, i set out to investigate if i was just being a home town fan. i will analyze the following stats: batting average (BA), total bases, extra-base hits (XBH), doubles, homers, RBI's, and on base percentage (OBP). to those who ask "what about Jeter? sure he struggled a little but he made the allstar team as the starter and he is a real team leader", let me respond. jeter has been nothing short of terrible this year. just look at the numbers. everyone knows the allstar game is a sham (popularity contest at best) and being a team leader makes you a team MVP, not a league MVP. another question is, did i chose specific stats to make my case? of course i did, thats what stats are for. keep in mind that i dont have walks, strikeouts, slugging percentage, fielding percentage, and basestealing stats. it took me sort of awhile to do this, knowing full well that everyone reading it has a cumulative number of MVP votes equal to zero. regardless:
Ichiro Suzuki:
ranked first in batting average by a wide margin, first in hits, second in OBP and 7th in total bases. however, he shows up no where in any of the real power hitting categories. here is why he should be the MVP: he has a legit chance to break both .400 and the hit/season record, steals bases, and plays great defense. here is why he shouldnt: the mariners stink. they are terrible. and all his bazillion singles dont make any kind of real impact on that.
Vladimir Guerrero:
5th in average, tied 3rd (T3) in total bases, T4 in hits, T5 in XB hits, T8 in doubles, 7th in homers, T4 in RBI's, 17th in OBP. armed with a canon he plays good defensive outfield and his angels are doing amazing considering the injuries he sustained. heres why he shouldnt be the MVP: look at some of the stats in following players and youll know.
Manny Ramirez:
6th in average, 2nd in total bases, T13 in hits, 2nd in XB hits, T6 in doubles, 1st in homers, 3rd in RBIs, and 3rd in OBP. manny plays suspect defense (though generally solid), and steals few bases. few homerun hitters do.
Alex Rodriguez:
putting this mans rankings down is a waste of time. he doesnt compare. last out of this group in almost every category. he does play gold glove defense at a new position. however, nobody outside of new york cares. not one single vote should go to this guy.
Miguel Tejada:
7th in average, T3 in total bases, 3rd in hits, 3rd in XB hits, T4 in doubles, T10 in homers, 1st in RBI's, 23rd in OBP. he plays outstanding shortstop for a crummy orioles team. based on his RBI numbers id vote for him except he is getting hosed in a bunch of other categories and plays for a BAD team.
David Ortiz:
17 in avg., 1st in total bases, 16th in hits, 1st in XB hits, 3rd in doubles, T2 in homers, 2nd in RBI's and 18 in OBP. critics argue he is a DH and therefore half a player. they are wrong. he is destroying the ball and in the top 5 in several key power categories.
Gary Sheffield:
22nd in average, 6th in total bases, T23 in hits, T10 in XB hits, T2 in homers, 6th in RBIs and 6th in OBP. has a cannon arm and is playing hurt (who isnt you crybaby?) plain and simple, he shouldnt be the MVP. gets sympathy votes because as of late he has been real hot and the rest of the yankees havent.
i agree this must be a bit cumbersome to read if anyone did. and tabulated data would have been much better, but importing a table from excel requires ftp space that i dont have. so die.
Sunday, August 22, 2004
Saturday, August 21, 2004
this is an email i received today from my financial aid advisor, check out the date she's coming back ...
I will be out of the office starting 06/29/2004 and will not return until 04/15/2040. I no longer work for Northeastern University. If you need assistance, please contact 617 373-3190. This email account will NOT be checked
this is the 6th change in my financial advisor since i have been enrolled at the wonderful university of northeastern.
joe dooling makes me laugh almost everyday. through the grapevine i heard grange was (is?) looking to unload 3 costly tickets to the Kanye West/Usher/probably more concert tomorrow. in an attempt (though weak) to help, i left an away message. joe had the only response:
Auto response from Whitetrashkateer: anyone want tickets for the usher/kanye show at the fleet?
FOREVER27 JD: nah dude, see if grange wants em aaaaahhahahahahhaaa
I will be out of the office starting 06/29/2004 and will not return until 04/15/2040. I no longer work for Northeastern University. If you need assistance, please contact 617 373-3190. This email account will NOT be checked
this is the 6th change in my financial advisor since i have been enrolled at the wonderful university of northeastern.
joe dooling makes me laugh almost everyday. through the grapevine i heard grange was (is?) looking to unload 3 costly tickets to the Kanye West/Usher/probably more concert tomorrow. in an attempt (though weak) to help, i left an away message. joe had the only response:
Auto response from Whitetrashkateer: anyone want tickets for the usher/kanye show at the fleet?
FOREVER27 JD: nah dude, see if grange wants em aaaaahhahahahahhaaa
Friday, August 13, 2004
so on tuesday, me and kinlin get a call from grange. he wants to go to a ballgame, and ive only seen a couple this year, so we went down to pick up some tickets an hour or so before the game. i couldnt fathom that we wouldnt be able to get cheap seats. it was a tuesday night, bronson arroyo was facing the devil rays. i cant imagine a better (less enticing) matchup so spirits were high. laprel(l?) (oh yeah, he was there too) and i left to find scalpers and kinlin and grange went to find a parking spot. as it turns out, the cheapest tickets we found were 50$ standing room only. fuck that. not to see bronson. anyway, after circling the stadium a couple times, we met up with grange and kinlin, told them the bad news, and decided to head home to watch the game. we walk to the car ... except now it has transformed into the spot where the car was parked. it got towed ! hooray. starting out to catch a cab, we decided to take a short cut over some rusty, half complete bridge. after a train came roaring under us, we abandoned the shaky bridge for the street and the long way around. we catch a cab out to a very shadey (sp?) jamaica plains tow shop. we almost beat granges car there, they were still unhooking it from the truck. several large signs informed us that only cash was accepted so grange ponied up the 105 bucks and we left to get beer and catch the game. so not only did we not get tickets to the game, but missed a couple innings and spent like 120 bucks. fuck you bronson. thanks for winning though.
last night me, st louis, and eric went to the bars while the babies went to glenns. Our House was dead so we went over to Conner Larkins where drunkeness occurred and i offended some people. then we returned to Our House where i made crappy attempts to hit on the bar tender and touched one of the waitresses boobs. actually two, when you count marissa too. real drunk. we got free zippos for smoking butts though, that was neat. i think we left then, to stumble home in the rain. around west campus, i (for some reason) tackled st louis into a big puddle. i guess i broke his watch. oops. already dripping wet the puddle didnt bother me (it was raining all night). upon arriving home, without st louis who had pursued a lady friend, i commanded that a bowl be packed for me. in the very same sentence, i realized that by no means was i going to be able to smoke it. i think i stumbled upstairs and found my bed. but i woke up with a zippo, no money, no clothes on, and wet shoes. my breath smells like i puked, but im not sure i did. anyone remember? oh well. i saw atleast the following people last night and didnt want to end my narrative without including them: nader, jay, some girl who likes the yankees and was getting hit on by jay, spongebob, kara, lisa, marissa, ryan, coffey, some english guy, steph spino, and melissa. also the girl in the blue skirt who was playing with her belly button chain all night. a glorious sight.
last night me, st louis, and eric went to the bars while the babies went to glenns. Our House was dead so we went over to Conner Larkins where drunkeness occurred and i offended some people. then we returned to Our House where i made crappy attempts to hit on the bar tender and touched one of the waitresses boobs. actually two, when you count marissa too. real drunk. we got free zippos for smoking butts though, that was neat. i think we left then, to stumble home in the rain. around west campus, i (for some reason) tackled st louis into a big puddle. i guess i broke his watch. oops. already dripping wet the puddle didnt bother me (it was raining all night). upon arriving home, without st louis who had pursued a lady friend, i commanded that a bowl be packed for me. in the very same sentence, i realized that by no means was i going to be able to smoke it. i think i stumbled upstairs and found my bed. but i woke up with a zippo, no money, no clothes on, and wet shoes. my breath smells like i puked, but im not sure i did. anyone remember? oh well. i saw atleast the following people last night and didnt want to end my narrative without including them: nader, jay, some girl who likes the yankees and was getting hit on by jay, spongebob, kara, lisa, marissa, ryan, coffey, some english guy, steph spino, and melissa. also the girl in the blue skirt who was playing with her belly button chain all night. a glorious sight.
Monday, August 09, 2004
Sunday, August 08, 2004
Thursday, July 29, 2004
i did poorly on an exam earlier in the year. at the opportunity to take a make-up, i jumped and evidently did poorly on it as well. as i still earned the maximum amount of points to be added to my first i paid my corrected test very little attention. after the professor stared at me and told the class he would be glad to go over the test on several occasions, i got the feeling that he wanted to talk to me about it. extra help, i thought, could be good. turned out that my extra help turned into the professor bitching at me for making a number of stupid (and some were really stupid) mistakes. at the end of his help session/bitch fest he said very sternly, "Don't disappoint me again Matt". thanks jerko.
this is the same professor who gives useless notes and today started his lecture, "If I remember correctly, and I probably don't ..." followed by a 40 minute rant about some remotely related topic. he is not a good professor. but he is extraordinarily old. im talking minutes from the grave old.
this is the same professor who gives useless notes and today started his lecture, "If I remember correctly, and I probably don't ..." followed by a 40 minute rant about some remotely related topic. he is not a good professor. but he is extraordinarily old. im talking minutes from the grave old.
Wednesday, July 28, 2004
two little bits today. it struck me as odd that Ryder Hall, the home of (among other things) the architexture department here at northeastern, would include in its lobby a gaudy stairwell that doesnt go to the top floor of the building. just seems like it could have been planned better.
i was watching a bill hick's stand up routine and he raised an interesting point. if we are indeed in a war on drugs, and were losing it (as politicians often lament), that means that both the drugs and the people on them are winning the war. sorta makes you wonder how millions of fucked up people on drugs can win a war.
i was watching a bill hick's stand up routine and he raised an interesting point. if we are indeed in a war on drugs, and were losing it (as politicians often lament), that means that both the drugs and the people on them are winning the war. sorta makes you wonder how millions of fucked up people on drugs can win a war.