"if you smell good and keep your ass clean, somebody is bound to like you"
advice given to a coworker from his father

two very important affairs of state. first, as is my style, i try and leave myself the smallest amount of time possible to come up with a halloween costume, despite thinking up thousands of excellent choices throughout the year. so, to have a record, i will begin posting them when inspirado strikes. costume that inspired this revolutionary process: the question-mark suit guy with that crappy commercial about his crappy book.

second, as many are sick of hearing, kinlin and i plan to get dogs this coming june (when we move out of this apartment), and among a myriad of other pre-puppy preparations, choosing my widdle puppies name is at the top of the list. due to a lengthy history of impulsive decisions (look at my shoulders), i have compiled a list of possible names ... my roomates and st. louis already know which im leaning towards but it would be 'nice' to get the often pessimistic and condescending input of my readers.
THE LIST:
Bailey
Splinter
Jeff Allen
Milo
Col. Mustard
Otis
Malcolm
Number 2
Armani
Fisher
Headzo
Mr. Peterman
Lord Kelvin

who decided who got to be on money? i say, coins .... who cares. 1 dollar bill, lets stick with the 1st president. i thought lincoln deserved a little better than the 5 spot after getting stuck on the worthless/filthy penny. however, he does his face out there more. does ben franklin deserve to be on the 100$. i dont think so. what about jackson and grant? what have they done? i dont know. and i bet a lot of other people dont know either. why not a president that we are brought up in school to think is great ... roosevelt, kennedy, etc. someone who made great strides for our country, or made a nobel peace prize effort in the middle east, i dunno. atleast something. here is my plan for restructuring who is on our currency:

Denomination: Penny
Current: Abraham Lincoln
Proposed: why not keep it simple, lowest coin and lowest dollar .... George Washington

Denomination: Nickel
Current: Thomas Jefferson
Proposed: Jefferson was the man, much better than John Adams, he keeps the nickel

Denomination: Dime
Current: Franklin D. Roosevelt
Proposed: Dimes suck, sorry FDR, but i do think you should keep this one

Denomination: Quarter
Current: George Washington
Proposed: I think Lincoln would be a better fit

Denomination: Half-Dollar
Current: I dont know
Proposed: who cares, i cant remember the last time i saw one of these

Denomination: Dollar Coin
Current: Sacagewea
Proposed: to keep it interesting i think this should rotate. 4 years after a presidents final term he gets as many years on the dollar coin as he was in office. for the record i fucking hate dollar coins.

Denomination: Dollar
Current: George Washington
Proposed: Nice choice whoever, he stays.

Denomination: 2 Dollar
Current: Thomas Jefferson
Proposed: John F. Kennedy, plus they should start printing them again

Denomination: 5 Dollar
Current: Abraham Lincoln
Proposed: Ben Franklin, that oughtta take him down a peg or two

Denomination: 10 Dollar
Current: Alexander Hamilton
Proposed: John Adams

Denomination: 20 Dollar
Current: Andrew Jackson
Proposed: Thomas Jefferson

Denomination: 50 Dollar
Current: Ulysses S. Grant
Proposed: Abraham Lincoln, this guy was the man and deserves the fiddy

Denomination: 100 Dollar
Current: Benjamin Franklin
Proposed: I could never figure out why this guy was on the hundred. Anyway, he goes to make way for Bill Clinton. he's my favorite.

who decided grape soda tastes like grapes? its not even close.

anyone been following the democratic nominee mess? me either. but check this out: Al Gore just snubbed ex-running mate joe leiberman by endorsing Howard Dean. Lieberman is jewish. these are facts. after doing not one second of research, it has come to my attention that major players in the palestine/israel nightmare donated millions and millions of dollars to the Dean campaign. after making that up, i decided that by simple logic, al gore must be a palestinian sleeper agent who has infiltrated our countries executive branch in order to sabatoge any kind of peace agreement that doesnt favor the palestinians. just think about it ... after 8 years of deception with the clinton administration and his latest endorsement of the non-jew, it should be clear that al gore was and is the puppet master pulling all the strings in the united states government for the past 10 years.

good drunk chat with my roomates and the kid on the couch (st. louis).

i was watching the rudolf christmas special just now. at the beginning, all the reindeer were playing games, till rudolfs disguise is blown and everyone sees his red nose. i would just like to say that the reindeer 'coach' is a fucking dick. upon seeing rudolf's uniqueness he said:
"were not going to let you play anymore reindeer games, right guys?"
fuck that reindeer.

as you may have read in my away message today, santa was supposed to be on campus (for details). when me kinlin and hamel ventured out to meet with the jolly fatman he was nowhere to be seen. what a fucking letdown. basically ruined my day. we brought cameras and everything. ironically, santa's appearance was supposed to be sponsered by HAMMERED, a drug/alcohol free group, so to spite them instead of seeing santa we drank and did drugs all day long. take that ya fat bastard. trying to bribe me into being a good boy just for some crappy K-Mart toys. go to hell.

after work saturday night, i drank for the first time in weeks. here are a couple quotes that i remember. i really have to remember a larger portion of the moronic conversations we have so you all may join in laughing at our stupidity.

"i want you to be underwater .... drowning".
- me to st. louis

"st. louis, how many limbs do you need to be happy? cause ill leave you with one less than that number"
- kinlin

i sit here at my computer putting off my homework in hopes that school will be cancelled tomorrow. i dont think it will happen despite the fact that all of boston has been absolutely crippled by a widdle bit of snow. regardless, here i sit, clicking the refresh button hoping to see a change in the northeastern webpage alerting me of the cancellation.

i was thinking earlier today, "why dont i have anything to write about anymore?". after pontificating on the matter for approximately 3 minutes i decided it was because i have not been drinking barely at all lately. that was a depressing thought: there is no excitement in my life without alcohol. but then i came to another conclusion. since the beginning of mattio's lounge, it has been a forum for my bitching about stuff. by this reasoning, if i have nothing to write about, its because i havent been drinking and i dont have anything to bitch about. this was a much nicer thought, but it made me instantly realize that i should have been complaining about my job all along. so here goes ...

as many know, i have been working weekends as a valet. during the best of times, this means that i drive nice cars, and make large tips. during the worst of times, there are no cars, and i make shit. this weekend was by far the worst it has been. in order for me to feel ive completely described my horrible ordeal, i will require some background information. for those who have never valet'd their car, or did and somehow still dont know how it works, here it is. you drive your car up, we give you a ticket, we park your car in our lot, you give the ticket to your waiter 15 minutes before you want your car, they tell us, we get your car, you come out drive your car away and give us a shitty tip. now on a typical saturday night, we'll have 5 people working and park between 30 and 40 cars. since one person has to stay there all the time, the 4 others have to run to and from the lot meaning they each park 6-10 cars.
so, when we park a car we drive to the lot and we have to run back. when we get a car we run to the lot and drive back. pretty simple. however, our lot is just under half a mile away, so each night we have to run about 3 miles.
now to the important part, this weekend. on friday we parked very few cars, and i made 22 dollars in tips. subtracting the 2 dollars i paid to get there and back and adding in the 6 dollars an hour i make i pulled in $60.50 which wasnt worth it because i was frozen to the bone all night. yesterday, i showed up and immediately had to park a car. however, the streets were stupid and the lot wasnt plowed. i got the car very stuck in the lot and had to dig it out with my hands every 5 feet i drove so i could get out of the lot again. i was dripping wet, very pissed off and very cold by the time i returned to the front of the restaraunt. i was then told i could go home. so i left. making 9 dollars in wages and 0 dollars in tips, subtracting the 2 for travel left me with 7 dollars net. weekend total: $67.50.
i worked again tonight and had to shovel the heaviest snow ever from in front of the restaraunt. no cars came, and i was let go at 7:30. i went into the store to buy a water and the old guy that owns the restaraunt paid for my water in gratitude, then offered to pay me 5 dollars to shovel another path out. let me assure you, spending half an hour shoveling heavy snow for 5 dollars was not what i had in mind, but i would have felt like a dick since he just paid for my water. with the 5 bucks he gave me, plus 18 in wages, minus 2 for travel i netted 21 dollars. that gives me a 3 day total of $88.50. not too bad right? wrong. based on the 10.75 total hours worked, i made a whopping $8.23/hr. even this doesnt seem too bad until you think about the absolute hell it was standing outside for a mere 15 minutes, let alone hours.

ok, thats enough of that. if you even made it through that im impressed, nevermind followed any of my calculations. the two guys that i work for, probably the cheapest humans alive, tried to push out a valet'd car out of our lot with their land rover and smashed the shit out of the back of it. out of kindness, they filled in the dent with lots of snow so the driver wouldnt notice until later, when "anybody could have done that".

p.s. dont ever valet your car.

i have decided, upon consulting with my top advisors, that david hasselhoff will stay. the details of his contract extension revolve mainly around me forgetting how i put it there in the first place.

i know what you are all thinking. "you waited two weeks to write an entry and thats it?" yup, thats right.

interesting play dooling

ever notice its always different when its you?

i have recently joined some friends and gotten a job as a valet at some restaraunts. its pretty good. i get to drive some real expensive cars and drive them as fast as i want down one particular stretch of road. the restaraunt owner would not permit a back door to be opened so we could use the bathrooms because they were "storing some coats back there." i find it mildly ironic that i am trusted with their 50,000 dollar lexus but not quite enough to piss in an adjacent room to their 129.99 dollar jacket.

"If you have sex with a girl, you are emotionally committed to a TON of bullshit"
-someone I, and most of you, know very well

ps. to avoid unnecessary drama in already touchy situations this person is not a roomate of mine (or st louis).

i sit. i hate. i sleep. i awaken. i stare at the clock right next to his big fat head watching my life slipping away one minute at a time. i cant help it. 3 times a week i wake up at 730 for physical chemistry only to watch the class and the textbook dragging my teacher along behind. because our major requires a generally studious mentality (yes, i am the exception), we are a pretty sharp class, and we can tell very quickly when a teacher does not have their shit together. this man, attempts to pass off lies for facts and half-truths for theorems. what he doesnt know is all our classes overlap and we know he is consistently full of shit. sure, I came to class unprepared ... but im not the teacher. you shouldnt be looking at the book in between sentences to make sure your saying the right things. and you should be better than he is at even that. i threatened to censure him for the percentage of his salary my tuition accounts for if he doesnt shape up. but he seemed unphased and said something about a bad attitude as i nodded off back to sleep. damn you rich idiotic professors.