Project Beard:
i fear the worst for my "beard". my appearance becomes closer to that of a scumbag everyday. i think many will not be able to see any separation between the two. as though in competition, one side of my face insists on growing hair faster, and in places, that the other cannot. this is not promising. in conjunction with my unkempt hairdstyle, i have received nothing but negative feedback. my experiment may be short lived in part to this. plus i hate this ridiculous chico stash. it is really beginning to bother me.

due to a combination of my increased slothfulness and my growing hatred of shaving, i have decided to test the capabilities of my facial hair. i am currently in the drunken hobo/mexican stage and it is hard to tell exactly how completely awful my beard will be. regardless of the extra hatred that will be showered down upon me throughout this experiment, i am determined and committed to the full evaluation of my facial hair growth potential. updates on Project Beard will be given out periodically.

i was called away from my duties at work early yesterday. initially i was upset (sort of), then i realized what was going on. there were an occupational and physical therapist walking through the labs showing people how to stretch out before work, lift properly, and basically minimize workplace injuries. the point of all of this is i may have added another girl to the list of immediate marriables. the physical therapist, kim, dazzled me with her beauty and her flawless lifting techniques. she was quite short (the cute short, not the scary dwarf short), had dirty blonde hair, and nice hooters eyes. plus i bet she gives killer massages.

CrashN2me71: so we dont have to kill anyone
Whitetrashkateer: yes, no killing necessary
Whitetrashkateer: i would still like to kill someone though
CrashN2me71: it would definately be fun
CrashN2me71: maybe someone stupid like shawn or something
CrashN2me71: we can just get rid of him
Whitetrashkateer: dump him in a dumpster
Whitetrashkateer: or the charles
CrashN2me71: we'll dump him in a dumpster
CrashN2me71: then jeff in the charles
Whitetrashkateer: deal
CrashN2me71: haha
Whitetrashkateer: can we roll him up in a rug
Whitetrashkateer: ive always wanted to do that
CrashN2me71: hahaha, im up for that

when asked today why i got into science by a coworker, i was pretty much stumped. sure i gave my robotic answer, "im good at math and science", but then i actually began to think about it. im fairly good at history, literature, and several other subjects (basically i am a genius). then the same coworker mentioned something that BLEW MY MIND. he said, "i got into science because one year i got better grades in science the my other classes". while at the time this makes all the sense in the world, when you think about what we know about the flaws of tests its really no wonder that most people hate their jobs. there is a good chance people erroneously choose careers based upon their schooling, then realize that the workplace is far from sitting down and writing essays, or doing math problems. but actually, i sort of like my job so i am disproving what i just wrote. what a waste of my precious time.

my average hour here at work is broken down like this:
10 minutes: spent looking for anyone who could possible have work for me
10 minutes: while they think of some ridiculous task for me to complete
4 minutes: to walk from the office portion to the labs
2 minutes: time it takes to complete the task
4 minutes: to walk from the labs back to my desk
30 minutes: time spent on the computer getting up the ambition to go looking for some work

multiply this by 8 and you have my job. basically i walk around and wait for people to think of time killing jobs that they have been too lazy to do.

after walking out of the building very conspicuously holding a block of wood yesterday, i thought today i would bring a bag in order to better facilitate my thievery. so that is how i have spent my day, wandering around, looking for things that i would like to have. i didnt really find much, having already aquired most of the things available to me here.
in addition to the sites i check regularly (crispy's place, maddox, thestate22, kinlins castle, craigslist, cnn.com, msn.com, espn.com, my email, and fantasy baseball) i have found a site that should keep me busy for a while. i have become addicted to the crossword puzzles found at bostonglobe.com. they are actually fairly doable in comparison to the impossible tv guide ones.

as of sometime this week or last, i dont have a boss. with several projects ending at once here, the groups are being reshuffled and everyone is shifting around. the bottom line, that i know you all care deeply about, is that nobody told me who i am now working for/with. every once and awhile someone sees me and gives me something to do, but mostly i sit and try to fend off sleep at my desk.

"can you drink water out of plates?"
-kinlin

to all those involved: beach party 2003 has been renamed good party 2003. all invitations are still valid. aka, everyone i know is still invited regardless if i have talked to you personally. since i know you wont believe me crystal, here it is. i formally invite you to good party 2003.

me: can you sign my timecard mark?
mark(my boss): what a pain in the ass this whole being a boss thing is
me: ...
mark: wow buddy, a whole 10th of an hour overtime. good job.
me: yeah, i really put in the extra effort last week.
mark: well done, ill be sure to note that on your evaluation
me: oh shit, i forgot about that garbage
mark: not me. youre fucked, im giving you an F
me: crap. well then im giving you an F too

and that has been my morning. filling out a moronic student evaluation that no one will ever read. my favorite part is the page where you have to list negative aspects of your job, then hand it to your boss to sign. always nice and awkward when he has to sign something that says what sucks about work here. oh well, i cant wait for payday. that extra 6 minutes is gonna make for a fat check. booyah

at the gym, me and the chrises were again blessed with the presence of the girl ive dubbed, 'the most beautiful girl alive'. there arent a whole lot of things better than watching her on the stairmaster machine. if anyone knows anything about this girl please let me know. she has been added to the list of people i would marry on the spot. some other members of this club (this is only a partial list):

Natalie Portman
The Olsen Twins (either one, or preferably both)
Hedda Burnett
Jennifer Love Hewitt
the hot blonde i saw on the T yesterday
Kelly Kapowski
the tomato slaw cafeteria employee
Anna Kournikova
Kelly Packard
Star Jones
Julia Louis Dreyfus

that was quite possibly the best meal ive ever had. except when we ate at wendy's after my night in jail. that one was probably better.

after stumbling to the columbus lot to catch my ride to work, i knew that i would be doomed all day. i was checking my email and i fell asleep face down on my keyboard for close to an hour before someone saw me and woke me up. i thought it would be a good idea if i wore the same clothes to work as i did drinking last night but im not sure my coworkers agree. so far i have been told that i smell like drugs, a dead wino, and an alley. i sure am glad to be at work.

"i wouldnt sleep with britney spears if she was canadien" -jenkins
"dude, i would sleep with anyone" -alex

holy crap, i just tried the same thing with korean. it started off as:
Korean is a foolish language, and their country is full of assholes.
translated twice to get:
A Korean the lingering one language and they country are the fool of the anus
translated twice more to get:
A Korean for a long time one language which puts and they foolish me is the anus at the outside.
translated twice more to get:
It puts and the hour one language and for lingering grudge they a Korean outside is the anus in me.

i wont tell you how many more times i did this, but it was seldom better than that last one: 'a Korean outside is the anus in me'. priceless.