as far as definitions of irony, this is pretty much the best.

here is a series of emails sent out around last november that made their way to my inbox:
First Message
Subject : A Message from Squanto: Thank Me

I am Squanto of the oft mentioned Thanksgiving Indian tribe. I require that in remembrance of our outrageous generosity to you and your filthy pilgrims you destroy every copy of A New World, starring Colin Farrell. It is a bad film with absolutely no mention of me. Also, I would like a shrine dedicated to Pocahontas, who was taken advantage of by one Captain John Smith. She was 10 for Christ's sake. Check out this biography (rather thorough if I do say so myself) found on your internets.

The person I read about was Pocahontas. Pocahontas was a young girl who helped the first English settlers in America. Pocahontas was born in Virginia about 1595. She was a girl who helped her family. Pocahontas had a baby. She died when she was only 21. She lived in London and America. She was famous because she saved John Smith. I like Pocahontas. She died in 1895.

Perhaps at the end of her 300 year life she got over the molestations by a rotten Englishman. There are other excellent biographies at the same location (http://www.pocanticohills.org/fitzgerald/97/2fbios.htm), although mine I'm not particularly fond of. Makes me look like a fool. Da Vinci's is worse though. "His father made him do it all".

That is all, almost. Does anyone know how to post links in Yahoo without writing out the whole url? Can you use HTML? This is bugging me. That is all.

-Squanto

ps. Thanks for the blankets.

Second Message
Subject : Re: A Message from Squanto: Thank Me

Squanto, your transparent attempts to gain sympathy for your casino loving people grow wearisome. Far too much has been made of your "assistance" to the Pilgrims - they were repressed religious fanatics who thought it would be a good idea to start building a town in Massachusetts in the end of December, and didn't bring their winter jackets or any extra food. So you taught them how to catch fish and to fertilize their crops with poop? big fucking whoop. Hardly justification for your silly little "sovereign nations" of cheap gasoline and non-taxable gambling.

Keep up the tired rhetoric, and me and my buddy Custer will go Tippecanoe and Trail of Tears on your ass so fast it will make your head spin. That is, if your head isn't already spinning from your girl-like tolerance to "fire water". Everyone knows that real civilizations can drink lots of booze, and have high immunities to sickness as a result of living in their own squalor and filth.

So do us all a favor and take a memo: quit being little bitches and accept the fact that any civilization stupid enough to sell Manhattan for a couple of seashells doesn't deserve to exist.

Oh wait - a memo would require you to have a written language, wouldn't it? pathetic. Oral tradition is for pussies.

-Capt. John Smith

p.s. that Pocahontas bitch got exactly what she had coming to her, the little cock tease. She couldn't find anyone of her own kind to satisfy her, and everyone knows that white man-juice tastes better than red. Besides, the girl was bat-shit insane - paint with the colors of the wind? What the fuck does that even mean?

Third Message
Subject : Captain Shmaptain

Dear Mr. Smith,

I spent several sad minutes perusing the hate monger literature that you had the audacity to send. I apologize for nothing. Ever.

Firstly, let me say there's no need to be embarrassed: Jamestown was a nightmare, and you needed help from a "savage" child. Difficult times to be sure. So why not get advice from the locals? I mean, have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon? I doubt it. And can you talk to bobcats?

In regards to our highly profitable casinos: they don't come close to repaying the debt owed us for being exiled to the friggin desert while our homeland and our women were raped. Besides, everyone likes to gamble and now you don't have to go all the way to over-hyped Las Vegas or disgusting Atlantic city. Afterall, when life gives you lemons and a one way ticket to a desolate wasteland, build casinos. If life gave you lemons, what would you do? Attempt a daring daylight robbery of Fort Knox on elephant-back? That's the dumbest thing I ever heard.

You are the second most overated individual from Americana lore behind Christopher "I discovered the Bahamas" Columbus. You contributed nothing. Only stole sweet prepubescent Indian virginity. Disgusting. You'll pay with your scalp Johnny boy. And don't worry about Custer. He'll get his along with Captain Algren and the rest of the Samurai.

-Squanto

p.s. I took your mother out for a nice seafood dinner and never called her again

Next Message
Subject : Re: Captain Shmaptain

Hey, leave me out of this. The Samurai were true caretakers of our fair planet, Teegeeack. And even without the aid of the L. Ron Hubbard's teachings, they were a people who through discipline and focus were able to dispose of many of their body thetans - a feat that no one today is capable of duplicating (without thousands and thousands of dollars in donations to the CoS).

Enemies of Xenu are friends of us all.

Sincerely,

Nathan Algren

i'd like to give a harry the hatchet style beating to that small peckered asshole bob from enzyte.

as per comedy centrals request, i have sent in my own roast of flava flav: i will probably post the video eventually, but here is the transcript:

hey mr flavor: youre dumb. why are you famous? is it because of the clock? its dumb too. i weep for the world in which you are more wealthy than me.

dont go after someone with a microphone.

holy new england teams upgrading: gagne to the team with the best record in baseball, randy moss and adelius thomas to a team that missed the superbowl by only a few yards, kevin garnett and ray allen to the celtics (who admittedly sucked) but now have pierce, kg and ray allen in a shitty conference. oh and the bruins are still playing i think, so the very fact that their league hasnt completely folded ill count as a victory.

i enjoyed this.

after a lengthy hiatus, i have returned. rather than try and recount all of the ridiculous things i have seen, heard and done in the past 4-5 months i will treat the period of time between posts as though it didnt exist. anyway, here is a list of quotes that i find hilarious but are nearly exclusively funny to me based on who said them, and surrounding context. these are things that make me laugh and laugh but would require so much time to properly set up that it would completely negate their hilarity to anyone but me. be jealous.

TAKE IT!
-Stevio

double scissors, dude?
-Chris

Fuck the bus
-Nick

thats a real great vacation: sleep all day then stay up all night by yourself like a zombie
-Brian

mr. grimm, youre scarin me
-Rocky

that dina looks like she sucks a lot of cock
-Chris (i think that was his name)

is anyone else eating sand?
-Henry

thats it for now. lets see, what else? i havent seen the new transformers movie but i plan to because it looks awesome. work is going good, and comments surrounding it will be much more sparse than i would like due to the publicness of this site and the widespread availability of the internet. i will have to keep my criticisms and anecdotes between me and a very small group of people able to appreciate them, not fire me, and not get me fired. i watched the rock, paper, scissors national tournament today on espn 2. it was one of those finds similar to the puppy bowl that i could hardly believe existed. my dvd collection has grown to a robust 550 dvds and counting. the air mattress i was using as a bed about 50% of the time got popped the other night ... now i sleep on my couch. i have put off buying a new bed because i have more pressing needs rather than buying a redundant sleeping area. i have decided to get back in shape having spent enough time being a lazy slob. the new iphone looks sweet but i will not buy one. FUCK YOU MACINTOSH. i think im gonna get a laptop with my 3rd quarter bonus. i dont really need one, but i think itd be kinda sweet. i can no longer remember where the quote in my profile is from: for dark is the suede that mows like a harvest. ???? i could probably figure it out with a quick google search but i care not. i have spent the last 5 minutes checking away messages to add anything i found of value to this post. pretty weak .... jake had some interesting stuff though:
the internet and beyond
this guy likes transformers too
remember to bring your own weapons
SPORTS!
this is pretty good from jeffs
how much is inside?

i just spend the past 45 minutes reading from the homepage of that last one, http://cockeyed.com. pretty good stuff. well, i guess that is all for now.

The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mist'er to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more

likely to get checked off on my "to do by before im 30 list aka the list of stuff i want to do and long term planning is for losers", SKYDIVING. im going bitches. not likely to get checked off: kill a man.

"the greatest enemy of knowledge is not ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge"

i heard the a bunch of nintendo wii's are being recalled because the strap has been breaking and people have been throwing their controllers thereby shattering their tvs. YES. another victory for me, the nintendo wii is a dumb idea.

One of the GREATEST things ive ever read. also on the list was the report of an astounding rise in girls giving oral sex.

add this to the list of reasons why i dont eat white colored condiments.

this is to nintendo: hey jerks, your wii system makes me move when i want to sit around and play video games. this doesnt please me. but seriously, i play video games to relax, if i wanted to really play tennis, i would. i dont.

this is to the sci-fi network: i managed to chance upon your marathon of firefly episodes which was fantastic. however, it turns out you have about 2 commercials. both of them are promos for your crappy shows and movies. stop it.

this probably wont seem interesting to both people who read this, but work on friday was really shitty. it should be noted (because i say so) that my friday starts at 10pm thursday night. third shift and all. anyway, we had a power outage at about midnight. now, ordinarily, power outages are the best. it means you dont have to work. but as management, it presents a ridiculous amount of problems that you have to deal with. like making sure people are safe, shutting down all the foolishly expensive equipment (i learned a lot about power surges and dropping one phase which blows motors out like coldcakes), answering questions about who can leave early, what exactly happened, when are we getting back to work, and all kinds of other bullshit like what to do when we do get power. holy crap, what a rotten night. on a sidenote, i now know lots about cheese.

no one is interested in this.