i just read bill simmons' running diary of the 2002 spelling bee and the following questions and answers came to my mind:

can anyone not homeschooled win a spelling bee: no

what is the total number of people ive ever met who were on the ESPN spelling bee: 1 (go Ms. Kathryn Spruill!!!)

will anyone who was homeschooled lead a normal life: no

is there a chance any word that is spelled will ever be used by anyone in any conversation, ever: no

whats wrong with those kids: i dont know

do i secretly wish i could spell really well: yes

does this post suck: sort of

am i absurdly bored of my tedious job: yes

im not sure too many people who read this site check out any of the links i have above, so for those who dont, let me steal from the futures of america. it made me laugh, and rather than try and come up with something on the same premise but funnier, ill just copy and paste from jeff rileys page:

I like watching people going through metal detectors at the airport. actually that's only true if I have plenty of time before my flight. otherwise it's very annoying. it really is amazing though. this device that everyone has to walk through is called a 'metal detector.' not a security checkpoint, or terrorist prevention machine, the name is pretty-straight forward. the metal detector detects metal. do you have any metal on you? because you shouldn't. this machine will detect it.
oh, my pocket full of change! my cell phone! cell phones have metal in them? I didn't realize that, my skull is full of honey! hooray! let me try again. oh, my big metal belt buckle appears to have upset your machine! what does this machine do again? is my metal watch a problem?

I have a simple idea that will help speed up lines at the airport. everytime a metal detector detects metal, the person who set it off will be electrocuted. see how quickly honeyskull learns? now we can get to the airport with a little more time to spare.

I have so many good ideas.

being a sarcastic and negative person, my compliments never sound genuine or sincere. especially when commenting on a girls hair or clothes or whatever, i always think that since ive never mentioned it before, im really just insulting them for every other day that i didnt compliment them. one compliment turns into countless insults on how ordinary theyve looked other days.

Jesus Christ in legal troubles.

i work with martin. he is from england. getting robbed in england is called, getting "burg'd". martin knows a lot of things. he will tell you, whether you care or not. shut up martin.

just kidding. martin is an ok guy.

it was a friday afternoon, and i had just gotten out of work. while getting onto the highway i was happy that my weekend was about to begin, it had been a reasonably pleasant day of work, and now it was time for drunken stupidity. then i got a call from louis. evidently, while we were at work, our house got robbed. here is a list of some of the things that got sniped from our apartment:

-Close to 200 DVD's
-DVD Player
-Dell MP3 Player (Not yet used)
-2 new Digital Cameras
-Portable CD Player
-Gold chain and ring
-Silver Chain
-roughly $70 in cash
-2 subway tokens (seriously)
-Nintendo Game Cube (working)
-Nintendo Game Cube (not-working)
-6 controllers for Game Cubes
-2 Game Cube Memory Cards
-roughly 20 Game Cube games
-Sega Genesis and controllers
-Bottle of cologne
-Pack of cigarettes (no lie)
-Laundary bag and Gym bag (To carry all of our fuckin stuff in)

Estimated total loss: $7,000-$10,000

on top of all this, our rooms (especially kinlins) were torn apart. drawers wide open, stuff strewn all about, closets wide open, basically, shit EVERYWHERE. the asshole actually tore my pillow cases off my pillows. happily, the single most expensive thing in our house was not taken (probably cause its just too big), though it will likely be relocated to a more secure location. once i reached drunkeness, i left many a 5 second phone message: "We got robbed". we are now a perfect 2 for 2 in the category of apartments i lived in that have been robbed. there is a slim glimmer of hope that we will catch the fucker who has our stuff, but it is unlikely. anyway, i was/am pretty depressed about it. my parents are as of yet, still unaware, for i could not reach either of them (not unusual). i think my dad is moving to michigan or something, and my mom was working one of her 3 jobs. if any of us had been home during the robbery, we would have no doubt been stabbed. i found a sharp kitchen blade on top of my computer, which had clearly been carried by the bandit.

so, it was a pretty shitty weekend. ill get into that more, later in the day. youd think that by this point in history, we would have been able to make artificial gills. assuming that they dont, this will be my new lifes work. breathing under water might be one of the coolest things ever.

Swell

its official, after a 4 year hiatus from such events, i will be attending the Sanborn Regional High School senior prom.

Whore College

Chlamydia Kills Penguins

today is cinco de mayo. 05-05-05. yippee. please try to avoid making a fool of yourself by telling everyone that it is mexican independance day. this is not true. please make an effort to verbally assault anyone who says as much. i have been preaching the truth of cinco de mayo to everyone i can since i learned in highschool what it actually is. this misconception bothers me more than it should.

the GORGEOUS aa on my floor has a delicious bowl of candy and snacks. it gives me an excuse to go over and very unsmoothly ogle at her wonderful body. if she wasnt in her late 30's (with kids i think) shed be perfect. pretty face, tan, nice rack, perfect sized waist and a more than excellent bottom. plus she has candy.

that little turncoat that a-rod saved from a speeding van in boston was on the howard stern show this morning.

stern: so what do you want to be when you grow up?
8 year old (patrick, i think): i wanna be a baseball player!
artie: do you have any backup, realistic plan? you know, for when this one crashes and burns to the ground.

met up with jamus o'shamus at conner larkins last night. fresh from his 5 or 6 month pilgrimage in europe he was in fine form. a finer buck hunter ive never seen. got A LOT drunker than i had planned to (being a tuesday night and all). work today is miserable. i have much work to do, and i doubt ill do any of it. so far, ive been trying to stay as inconspicuous as possible.

kinlin wrote in his blog the other day for the first time in almost a year i think.

i had way more to write when i started this thing, but my mind is rubbish right now.

ever not liked something that millions of people love? if that thing is American Idol, now you can help ruin it. Vote For the Worst. im having trouble deciding whether i like this idea or not. while i do not enjoy american idol in the slightest, i do think its sort of a dick move to ruin it for the dim-witted folks who do.

after reading erics latest post, for the past 3 weeks, i have decided to come up with answers of my own to bernard pivots 10 questions. for the confused, these are the questions asked at the end of mr james liptons inside the actors studio.

What is your favorite word? asks. its just fun to say. some finalists: litigious, aqueous (look at all those vowels), and apocalypse.

What is your least favorite word? bunt. grosses me out just hearing it. some finalists: scrog, fang, and cigarillo.

What turns you on creatively, spiritually, emotionally? im not sure if this is all one question ... but i guess, as lame as it sounds, learning. not that textbooks and pens give me a hard on, but i get excited when i learn new stuff.

What turns you off? being wrong or feeling stupid.

What is your favorite curse word? dang. or heck. euphemisms for non-severe curse words are hilarious.

What sound or noise do you love? either a soccer ball hitting the back of the net or a basketball "swooshing".

What sound or noise do you hate? any kind of repetitive beeping. most alarms, the sound your car makes when you open the driver side door with the keys in the ignition still ... that kind of thing.

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? ive always, ALWAYS, wanted to be a professional baseball player. i think itd be cool to be a delta force commando too.

What profession would you not like to do? this list is a long one. however, i think working at a funeral home would be pretty depressing. all you see is people who are angry and sad. plus the close proximity of dead people.

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? id like to find out that the odds were against me to get in, so god bet big on me and then let me slide in so he could collect a ton of cash. then maybe hed set me up with an attractive lady angel. then id offend him or something and hed tell me to go to hell.