Thursday, September 25, 2003
i woke up at 6 today to write a 4-5 page paper for my 9 oclock english paper. last night it seemed like a good idea, but today ... not so much. so i stumbled unprepared into my 8 am p. chem class and began to stare blankly at the board. i noticed that there was a sequence of numbers on the board and i inquired as to their meaning. evidently, they were the homework problems i was supposed to have done for class. everyone had a good laugh at my expense and needless to say, my "To Kill" list now has 18 more names on it. thats right, live it up, you all will pay for your treachery.
Wednesday, September 24, 2003
Monday, September 22, 2003
Young Ladies of the 21st Century:
Inspired by an actual event, I have come to the rescue of all of you modern ladies struggling with any number of problems caused by the male gender. I am here to re-aquaint some of you with what I feel is the most powerful arsenal of non-violent weapons on the planet. Others of you are well aware of the weapons I am about to speak of, but I must reinforce their importance and significance to the world as a whole. Before I get into that, however, I must put a huge emphasis on the fact that if you are a bitch, then these methods may not be as effective for you. There is, as of yet, no way to mask the fact that you are a terrible person that no one wants to be around, except to look at from across the way. Do not fret if you consider yourself attractive. This does not necessarily mean you are a bitch. But it puts you at a major disadvantage because many times the reason bitchiness develops is due to egotistical thinking. This being said, the conclusion should NOT be drawn that a.) if you don't think you're ugly, then you're a bitch, or b.) that bitches can't be ugly. Now, onward with my persuasive analysis.
Mammary Glands:
Commonly spoken of as breasts, boobs, tits, knockers, jugs, guns, bombs, tiggle bitties (and a host of other vulgar terms) these are probably the most obvious and most utilized of the modern woman's weapons. Contrary to the male gender, size really does not matter. It is the understanding of most females that the effectiveness of mammary glands increase exponentially as they increase in size using the common A-DDD(D) scale. However, what many neglect to think about is proportionality. Yes, it is fun to wrap humongous breasts around your head, or even to have sex with the breasts themselves. However, picturing D-cups on a midget, while intriguing is still weird. Conversely, if you are a larger woman with A-cups then this is also bad .... sorry. But fear not: no matter the size of your knockers we want to see them. Remember this rule of thumb, Boobs are good. Using a strategically low cut shirt or blouse can be just the right thing to convince your boss or classmate tosleep with you do virtually anything for/with you. Bare breasts are especially powerful, and this idea will be explored further when examining the "panties no tops" theory of Joe Dooling in the thong section of this report.
Thongs:
According to VH1's I Love the 80's, thongs were a product of the modern business woman. With the evolution of dress suits and those delicious black pants it became increasingly evident what kind of underpants this business woman was wearing. This, coupled with women's "desire" not to be objectified, lead to the invention of the thong. With this new type of panties, women no longer had visible lines on their asses. What was inadvertently created was an even sexier panty, far exceeding just being able to see that your female coworker or boss was wearing underpants. Part of the thongs allure is its lack of material. This leaves a pleasingly small amount left up to the imagination. As we went into the 21st century thongs are becoming more popular than ever. Now even showing off a small piece of the thong can be a very effective method for getting your own way. Ironically, what was an attempt to prevent objectification actually had the complete opposite effect, but it's your own fault ladies. You must learn to use this invaluable article of clothing to your benefit. Even today I was nearly brought to my knees by the site of a sweet freshman baby wearing a skirt (dont worry, I'll speak of skirts later) leaving the small triangle of fabric in the back visible. Good lord, she was awesome. If that isn't your style, then a second less revealing technique is to show the straps of your thong (think of Sisqo's thong song and how all the hot mama's allowed their wonderful thongs to be viewed). The very site of any part of the thong lets us know immediately you have one on and your attractiveness increases (sort of sad to say, but thus is the world). Many men, have honed their skills so much that we can detect when thongs are being worn (thongdar)even when they are not intentially displayed so you may not even have to show any of it at all. After living with Joe Dooling for the better part of 2 years, I have picked up several pieces of information. One of these gems is of course the aforementioned "panties no tops" theory. The basic synopsis is that there is nothing more visually stimulating than seeing a girl with a thong on and no top. This is no more than a corollary of the last two sections ... i.e. boobs and thongs are good, and using mens weakness for them, many otherwise difficult situations are resolved.
NOTE: ladies, if you have a boyfriend that I consider my friend, do not exploit your breasts and thongs in the presence of anyone who is not your boyfriend, or a reliable friend of his for this is a common source of conflict. In this isolated case mammary glands and thongs are very counterproductive in resolving issues. If I do not know your boyfriend, then come on over and lets see some thongs and boobies.
Skirts:
An unsung hero in the fashion world, skirts are often a fun way to manipulate men. Considered by women not as risque as cleavage or skimpy undergarments, skirts can also be more appealing to women. I don't really have much to say about skirts. But they are good and are even better when used in combination with thongs and mammary glands.
So go forth ladies and pillage our wallets or steal our time by taking us to a crappy movie, just keep in mind that there are several additional ways of convincing should the male involved be not particularly excited about it. It's all part of the cat and mouse game that we call male-female interaction.
Inspired by an actual event, I have come to the rescue of all of you modern ladies struggling with any number of problems caused by the male gender. I am here to re-aquaint some of you with what I feel is the most powerful arsenal of non-violent weapons on the planet. Others of you are well aware of the weapons I am about to speak of, but I must reinforce their importance and significance to the world as a whole. Before I get into that, however, I must put a huge emphasis on the fact that if you are a bitch, then these methods may not be as effective for you. There is, as of yet, no way to mask the fact that you are a terrible person that no one wants to be around, except to look at from across the way. Do not fret if you consider yourself attractive. This does not necessarily mean you are a bitch. But it puts you at a major disadvantage because many times the reason bitchiness develops is due to egotistical thinking. This being said, the conclusion should NOT be drawn that a.) if you don't think you're ugly, then you're a bitch, or b.) that bitches can't be ugly. Now, onward with my persuasive analysis.
Mammary Glands:
Commonly spoken of as breasts, boobs, tits, knockers, jugs, guns, bombs, tiggle bitties (and a host of other vulgar terms) these are probably the most obvious and most utilized of the modern woman's weapons. Contrary to the male gender, size really does not matter. It is the understanding of most females that the effectiveness of mammary glands increase exponentially as they increase in size using the common A-DDD(D) scale. However, what many neglect to think about is proportionality. Yes, it is fun to wrap humongous breasts around your head, or even to have sex with the breasts themselves. However, picturing D-cups on a midget, while intriguing is still weird. Conversely, if you are a larger woman with A-cups then this is also bad .... sorry. But fear not: no matter the size of your knockers we want to see them. Remember this rule of thumb, Boobs are good. Using a strategically low cut shirt or blouse can be just the right thing to convince your boss or classmate to
Thongs:
According to VH1's I Love the 80's, thongs were a product of the modern business woman. With the evolution of dress suits and those delicious black pants it became increasingly evident what kind of underpants this business woman was wearing. This, coupled with women's "desire" not to be objectified, lead to the invention of the thong. With this new type of panties, women no longer had visible lines on their asses. What was inadvertently created was an even sexier panty, far exceeding just being able to see that your female coworker or boss was wearing underpants. Part of the thongs allure is its lack of material. This leaves a pleasingly small amount left up to the imagination. As we went into the 21st century thongs are becoming more popular than ever. Now even showing off a small piece of the thong can be a very effective method for getting your own way. Ironically, what was an attempt to prevent objectification actually had the complete opposite effect, but it's your own fault ladies. You must learn to use this invaluable article of clothing to your benefit. Even today I was nearly brought to my knees by the site of a sweet freshman baby wearing a skirt (dont worry, I'll speak of skirts later) leaving the small triangle of fabric in the back visible. Good lord, she was awesome. If that isn't your style, then a second less revealing technique is to show the straps of your thong (think of Sisqo's thong song and how all the hot mama's allowed their wonderful thongs to be viewed). The very site of any part of the thong lets us know immediately you have one on and your attractiveness increases (sort of sad to say, but thus is the world). Many men, have honed their skills so much that we can detect when thongs are being worn (thongdar)even when they are not intentially displayed so you may not even have to show any of it at all. After living with Joe Dooling for the better part of 2 years, I have picked up several pieces of information. One of these gems is of course the aforementioned "panties no tops" theory. The basic synopsis is that there is nothing more visually stimulating than seeing a girl with a thong on and no top. This is no more than a corollary of the last two sections ... i.e. boobs and thongs are good, and using mens weakness for them, many otherwise difficult situations are resolved.
NOTE: ladies, if you have a boyfriend that I consider my friend, do not exploit your breasts and thongs in the presence of anyone who is not your boyfriend, or a reliable friend of his for this is a common source of conflict. In this isolated case mammary glands and thongs are very counterproductive in resolving issues. If I do not know your boyfriend, then come on over and lets see some thongs and boobies.
Skirts:
An unsung hero in the fashion world, skirts are often a fun way to manipulate men. Considered by women not as risque as cleavage or skimpy undergarments, skirts can also be more appealing to women. I don't really have much to say about skirts. But they are good and are even better when used in combination with thongs and mammary glands.
So go forth ladies and pillage our wallets or steal our time by taking us to a crappy movie, just keep in mind that there are several additional ways of convincing should the male involved be not particularly excited about it. It's all part of the cat and mouse game that we call male-female interaction.
Friday, September 19, 2003
its a fairly subtle characteristic of our apartment. id even wager that a good number of people who have been here havent noticed. regardless, if there wasnt a second door in hamels room leading to the basement we would all be trapped INSIDE our apartment. the situation is this: last night while consuming a few beers, we locked the dead bolt on our door. to our surprise the dead bolt broke and now cannot be unlocked. the key just turns the lock round and round without permitting sweet freedom. so, if the normal unused door had not been in hamels room to grant us atleast some kind of exit we would be forced to use the windows as exits. if this had happened to anyone else i would have trouble believing it. but sure enough, im locked inside of my apartment.
Thursday, September 18, 2003
you know those hover-boat things that zip around louisianna marshes in movies? with the huge fan on the back. it was a fan of this magnitude (approximately 2 meter diameter) that confronted me while trying to enter my building via the secret alley entrance. i was originally denied at the front door by intimidating signs and air tight plastic sealed over the door garrisoned and barricaded like a medieval castle. evidently it is painting season at forest properties. they decided it wouldnt be necessary to mention anything of this to we 3 residents. the floor is going to be red. and an ugly red. but our door is bright white now. thats kinda good. but basically there is a horrible smell (not so bad that you get high, just the headache), hoardes of peasant class hispanics smoking cigarettes 2 feet from our door, and when we leave we have to walk down a.) a secret ninja path by the torture chamber, or b.) down the length of the alley adding 10 minutes of annoying walking to any journey. what the fuck. there are no good things i can say about forest properties ... except that every single person working in there office is a beautiful baby. that is always nice to have in a landlord.
Wednesday, September 17, 2003
my professor for, get this, "Transport Processes and Separation Process Principles", has a very disconcerting habit. very often he pauses in his lecture and shakes the piece of chalk that is in his hand, you can more easily imagine it as being dice and he is preparing to make a killer yahtzee roll. anyway, this "shaking" motion looks suspiciously like the motion commonly attributed to masturbation. you know the one i mean, the "air jerk off" as it were. anyway, Professor Bac (read: Botch), will finish speaking about a topic that is fairly important then do the move. for example:
"That is why the viscosity of Ethanol is much greater than that of Methanol and this relationship can be easily discerned by analyzing their Reynolds numbers and Antoines constants" then, the air jerk off. how can i be expected to take any information seriously if it is always followed by a gesture ive always attributed to apathy and worthlessness. i cant. thats for damn sure. im probably the only cool kid who noticed that he does it too. unobservant bastards.
"That is why the viscosity of Ethanol is much greater than that of Methanol and this relationship can be easily discerned by analyzing their Reynolds numbers and Antoines constants" then, the air jerk off. how can i be expected to take any information seriously if it is always followed by a gesture ive always attributed to apathy and worthlessness. i cant. thats for damn sure. im probably the only cool kid who noticed that he does it too. unobservant bastards.
Horse Shit (hôrs shit) n. :
1. Northeastern University's financial aid policies
2. Excrement of such large proportions that it obviously came from a horse
3. The excuses given to me by my financial aid advisor about why im getting $1300 less then i applied for even though i am required to pay interest on that same $1300 starting today
4. The excuses given to me by my financial aid advisor regarding the 2 week late arrival of my$5500 $4200 check
1. Northeastern University's financial aid policies
2. Excrement of such large proportions that it obviously came from a horse
3. The excuses given to me by my financial aid advisor about why im getting $1300 less then i applied for even though i am required to pay interest on that same $1300 starting today
4. The excuses given to me by my financial aid advisor regarding the 2 week late arrival of my
Tuesday, September 16, 2003
every so often, there is a person that despite every effort, is not allowed to succeed. Stephen Dushko, this is your story. stevio, as we called him, was a brilliant young mind. here are a few majors that he tried out his freshman year: Performing Arts, Biology, Psychology, English, Journalism, Writing, and Scuba Diving. yes, thats correct, for a short time stevio attempted to become a scuba diving major. this is where our story takes a scary turn ... a deadly combination of both the northeastern administration and his parents teamed up to ruin poor stevios college career. despite stevios regular pleas, the numeric representation of apparent effort (GPA), was too great a hurdle for young stevio. if only mr dushko knew how many sleepless nights stevio spent under his bed simultaneously playing Tetris and masturbating, or dominating such video games as Half Life, and Mario Brothers. several nights stephen was so exhausted from staying up playing video games he couldnt even wake up to go to class. it was oh so tragic when i received the horrible news that stevio would not be returning to make a second go of it. all who met you, and/or had you threaten to kill them, will remember you for a relatively long time.
Monday, September 15, 2003
todays best away message comes from a fellow chemical engineer by the name of john belcher:
Belch Dog: Professor Zimmerman chuckled as she suddenly realized her mistake. "Oops! I forgot to draw this process output out of the system!" she said chuckling. We saw the mistake too and all laughed. It was funny because she was right. That ethanol and water mixture was drawn so that it wasn't leaving the system! You can't solve the system if your outputs never leave! So we all laughed at the mistake because it was very funny.
About the time I finished laughing, I realized that perhaps I needed to switch major, find a woman, and move to a small third world country where there is no math.
believe it or not, this would actually crack our whole class up for several minutes. we are super nerds where all of the jokes are stupid and about chemicals and math. but we are so so cool.
Belch Dog: Professor Zimmerman chuckled as she suddenly realized her mistake. "Oops! I forgot to draw this process output out of the system!" she said chuckling. We saw the mistake too and all laughed. It was funny because she was right. That ethanol and water mixture was drawn so that it wasn't leaving the system! You can't solve the system if your outputs never leave! So we all laughed at the mistake because it was very funny.
About the time I finished laughing, I realized that perhaps I needed to switch major, find a woman, and move to a small third world country where there is no math.
believe it or not, this would actually crack our whole class up for several minutes. we are super nerds where all of the jokes are stupid and about chemicals and math. but we are so so cool.
Thursday, September 11, 2003
September 11th .... the latest of several days that will live in american history infamy. 'nuff said.
i was wondering how often people check this site. if you check regularly, and are aware of my frequent lapses in entries followed by an overcompensation of entries, then this may apply to you. let me give you a little story. say suzie checks my site everyday and i dont write for one week. then she checks again, and to her surprise there are several entries dated on days she checked the site. this is not only because she is a sucker. i have the ability to change the date and time of my entries to give the appearance that i write regularly. this is not always/ever the case. so given the power of god to play with time, i could be writing this on any day any week. the entry says thursday ... hahaha, its actually wednesday. also, the entries on the 8th and 9th were also written today, wednesday the 10th. at any rate, thats about enough of the boring stuff, i just had to get that off my chest.
as many of you know, i have been planning on naming my first born child (male or female) Shredder. because the mother will likely not approve, i am prepared to make Shredder be the middle name of the child. but i was thinking the other day in my apartment that a good name would be "Moonpie". it would work as a first, middle or last name. let me know what you think.
ps. if you would be willing to mother this child please meet me in public alley #807 by the dumpster at noon on any day. ill be waiting.
i was wondering how often people check this site. if you check regularly, and are aware of my frequent lapses in entries followed by an overcompensation of entries, then this may apply to you. let me give you a little story. say suzie checks my site everyday and i dont write for one week. then she checks again, and to her surprise there are several entries dated on days she checked the site. this is not only because she is a sucker. i have the ability to change the date and time of my entries to give the appearance that i write regularly. this is not always/ever the case. so given the power of god to play with time, i could be writing this on any day any week. the entry says thursday ... hahaha, its actually wednesday. also, the entries on the 8th and 9th were also written today, wednesday the 10th. at any rate, thats about enough of the boring stuff, i just had to get that off my chest.
as many of you know, i have been planning on naming my first born child (male or female) Shredder. because the mother will likely not approve, i am prepared to make Shredder be the middle name of the child. but i was thinking the other day in my apartment that a good name would be "Moonpie". it would work as a first, middle or last name. let me know what you think.
ps. if you would be willing to mother this child please meet me in public alley #807 by the dumpster at noon on any day. ill be waiting.
Wednesday, September 10, 2003
so i, like so many, have returned for additional schooling at the fine institution of northeastern university. but before i get to that, let me recount some events of the past 9 days or so. umm, i went to st. anselms and got shit-canned with mr brendan laprell and co. which is always a good time. i went to the dave concert last night which aside from the 3 mile walk before and after was very excellent. thats about it. back to school, both literally and figuratively, i have just completed the first 2 classes and if they are any indication to the way the semester will go i will be a very unhappy boy for awhile. my final english class of all time will surely be a gigantic pain in my asshole. that being said i would totally do my english teacher, ms. ruben. i have been desperately searching the internet for a picture of her but it appears graduate students do not get such luxuries afforded by our great institution. as a side note of slight humor (to myself more than anyone else probably), all three of my college english teachers have been grad students and have all had the same office. its a really small sucky office too, easily smaller than my bedroom (or for those not acquainted with my room, smaller than the senior room or an elevator) for 3-4 english grad students. what a bunch of suckers. cant wait for conference time with ms. ruben.
you should see the joker that is in my physical chemistry class. hahaha, oh man. yesterday i saw this kid in the bookstore buying the same book that i need so we got to discussing the course and what not and he invited me to be in an engineering club of some sorts that builds robots to battle each other. i dont know. plus he has a dark mustache and a albino like complexion. i cant wait to make fun of that clown behind his back. hahahaha.
you should see the joker that is in my physical chemistry class. hahaha, oh man. yesterday i saw this kid in the bookstore buying the same book that i need so we got to discussing the course and what not and he invited me to be in an engineering club of some sorts that builds robots to battle each other. i dont know. plus he has a dark mustache and a albino like complexion. i cant wait to make fun of that clown behind his back. hahahaha.
Tuesday, September 09, 2003
ive been listening to a lot of neil diamond lately. suprisingly good. does anyone from home remember mr. posner? i was thinking about the talent show when i was in 6th grade and morgon tulercash and jeff rousseau made fun of posner by lip syncing his favorite song ... Forever in Blue Jeans. i think that is what it was. or atleast that is the way i remember it. anyway, i was thinking about that the other day and the point is that i downloaded it and i like that song a lot. plus the redsox will win the world series on the shoulders of david ortiz and bill mueller. other players that will contribute: Lou Merloni and Billy Hasselman.