james bond night fire, is going to rule my life.

after calling in sick yesterday i thought my boss might be suspicious if i was perfectly fine today. rather than trying to fake it all day long i decided that getting drunk and being hungover all day long would be my best option. while it worked perfectly in making me feel bad, im not sure i look too sick. not to mention i havent seen my boss all day. he might not even be here. the drunkeness was good except for 2 major incidents. drunken incident number 1 was comitted by michael jenkins. he knocked over a candle that was on my desk and glass went flying everywhere and is now happily embedded in our carpeting. drunken incident number 2 was also comitted by michael jenkins. after missing a shot in beirut, he felt the need to put his heel through my wall. it made me so happy this morning to see that hole in the wall.

court was the BEST. i got to see all my friends i met in the holding cell. the judge was definitely a dickhead, and even one of the lawyers said that he "was a real asshole". the judge sort of talked like Mike Tyson, but seemed relatively not terrible. anyway, he sort of was pissed at me at first cause my lawyer wanted to do something wierd but then he just gave us 6 month probation. not to big a deal unless i get in trouble before june 9th. so on june 10th you better believe ill be drinking like a maniac. the title ive given it (the party) is: thank god im not on probation anymore so lets get shitty party. you are all invited. now i must deal with the evil northeastern university. see what those pricks have in store for me. i bet my boss was WICKED glad i called in this morning. and i woke up at 6 to do it because i knew he wouldnt be there. hopefully he doesnt get super pissed about it.

talk about an ego boost. take these online IQ tests. they are the best. this one says: Wow! A score above 130 means that your performance on this test was way above average. Actually, according to this test, you are absolutely brilliant. Only a very small percentage of people score this high. i actually only got a 130, so not above 130 but close enough. after i went back and changed my gender from male to female, my IQ jumped up to 136. this test evidently thinks girls are dumb. either that or i just answered stuff that chicks dont know like some of the spacial recognition and such. who knows.

other things i "learned" about myself on online tests: People who have unconscious minds driven by self-protection tend to shy away from conflict and may intellectualize emotional issues rather than letting themselves become upset or overwrought during arguments. whatever that means. also, after my IQ test in which i scored a 136, i was told im a visual mathmatician and that 60% of visual mathematicians wait for the other person to make the first move on a date. that is a pretty unimpressive statistic, but they wanted me to pay 15 bucks for a better analysis so thatll have to do.

while perusing bored.com at work today, i came across a site called: which is worse? one of the questions read as follows. which is worse, a:Having a dream you are eating chocolate ice cream in the nude, or b:Waking up from the dream with a spoon in your butt. it is a tough choice. after i became bored of that site i went to take one of those ink blot tests. it was quite a lengthy test and here is what it revealed about me:
Whether you know it or not, your unconscious mind is defending your internal emotional experiences. It acts like an emotional dam that helps you keep things in check. One reason for this could be that you have a deeply-rooted fear of being flooded by emotions. In response, your unconscious acts in the opposite manner, by protecting you from unpredictable, emotional tidal waves. While this tendency might be useful in some circumstances, it may also at times make your emotions hard to articulate or grasp. And that can lead to some frustration. Since you tend to appear level-headed to others, they feel they can count on you for sound opinions and advice. Another benefit of your unconscious drive is that it allows you to remain calm in the toughest of situations. This can be a real benefit for you during business negotiations or personal arguments because you're not apt to say damaging things that you'll have to apologize for later. The only hazard with this drive towards self-protection, is you might filter out good emotions as well as the bad. That can leave you feeling like something is missing, something you can't quite place. But ultimately, your unconscious is wise and will know if there is a time in the future where it would be beneficial to be different. Though your unconscious mind is driven most strongly by Self-protection, there is much more to who you are at your core.
while reading that jargon it all seems to ring true, but i worry it is the same as that horoscope crap that you can relate anything to your life. like that MORON jon edwards and his ridiculous show crossing over. after making the giant mistake one day of watching that absolute ridiculousness i have come to the following conclusions. jon edwards is an idiot. the people who go on his show and listen to what he says, are idiots. people who watch his show on television on a regular basis, are idiots. the network people who continue to air his show, are geniuses for finding something so ludicrous that idiots will love. it seems all he does is walk out on stage, pick someone from the audience and then make up things. for example, he might say, "hmmm, i see a mark. does that name ring a bell?" and the gullible contestant would say "jeez, not really. oh wait, i once met a kid in college named mark. he was in my math class sophomore year. that is amazing!" and jon would then continue choosing unobscure names that the gullible contestant would find some connection with. he even goes as far to say mere letters. "i see an R, anything in your life begin with an R?", and the contestants never realize they are being duped by an unimpressive conartist. what the hell is wrong with people.

crappy weekend. ummm, here are some conversations i had on friday night. names have been omitted to protect the innocent/guilty.

conversation 1:
whitetrashkateer: you suck anybodys dick tonight?
*********: yeah a few guys
whitetrashkateer: well done
whitetrashkateer: as maddox claims girls are skanky bitches begging for it when you get down to it
*********: hahahahah
*********: maddox i s rihgt
*********: you are monre deformed thatn the elephant man
whitetrashkateer: not true
whitetrashkateer: actually that is the most false thing youve ever said
*********: ha you are the moast falzse thing i've ever sad
whitetrashkateer: that was a poorly constructed sentence
whitetrashkateer: by the way, you just made my blog for tomorrow
*********: you are a poorly constructed sentences
*********: NOOOOOO
*********: don't1
*********: you ass
*********: i hate you forever

conversation 2:
*********: fine thats the way its gonna be .. u lose.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Auto response from whitetrashkateer: hanging with my only real friends, the girls in 411
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
whitetrashkateer: oh yeah
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Auto response from *********: fucking loser. i hate you
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
whitetrashkateer: that isnt too nice


conversation 3:
*********: what te fi k this is **** ***** an d me and **** are mad we arent your friends since whend?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Auto response from whitetrashkateer: hanging with my only real friends, the girls in 411
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*********: we are the girls in ***
*********: we are your god mdamn friendsssssssssssssssss
*********: meanie
*********: ***** says you scuck
*********: haha
*********: jk
*********: we love you
*********: not
*********: too bad they are gu\\ugly girls

this weekend was genuinely not fun. i really can say with all honesty that despite a few bright points i would have been happier had this weekend never occurred. some of the highlights include playing pictionary and seeing rashawn stuck in the closet. im looking forward to going to work.

you know what i love about being left-handed? whenever i write in, say marker or pencil, the side of my hand gets covered in ink or graphite. for those of you simpletons who dont understand what i am talking about let me spell it out. not cause i think anyone really doesnt get it but because i am trying to kill time before lunch so i dont have to start any more of my bosses evil projects. anyway, since you write left to right (duh) and my hand actually trails my pencil/marker the edge of my hand ends up smearing all the graphite/ink, and i am left with both a sloppy and poor looking document/picture as well as an entire edge of my hand that has to be scraped clean with steel wool. what is also nice is if i dont realize that there is ink on my hand and i start the next line or something and the page gets dabbed with red marker. i find that that makes for very professional looking documents. how is it possible that i still dont realize my hand gets covered despite writing lefthanded almost my entire life (yes, almost)? i dont know jerk, i just dont. now if you are questioning why i havent written left-handed my entire life, then by all means, read on. a story i have told several people, as i enjoy laughing at the ineptitude of my elementary school, begins like this. in nursery school and kindegarten i was forced to draw and color with my right hand. naturally at that age ambidextrosity isnt a common trait (though i have developed it throughout the years). so, my coloring and drawing was always sub-par or as they said: NI (needs improvement). yes, i was one of those kids who nearly failed kindegarten for not being able to color. anyway, they thought i was retarded or something, and almost had to go to prefirst, or readiness, whatever its called at your school. basically where you go if you fail kindegarten rather than retaking it. thankfully my parents were so disappointed with my poor coloring ability that they had a conference and demanded that i color something with both them and the teacher present. when they saw me using my right hand they immediately called the teacher a moron and put the marker in my other hand. all was right (sorry bout the pun) with the world again. i passed kindegarten with flying colors (ie grades of satisfactory, excellent, and outstanding) and am now plagued with the dirty-edge-of-my-left-hand syndrome. youll notice above that i did not use the phrase "no pun intended" as that phrase is for the small of brain. i do apologize for even mentioning there was a pun, because most people, if not all, do not care one bit about puns.

i have just returned from an hour long snowball fight and i was smart enough not to wear gloves. though my hands soon became numb and a wonderful onslaught of snowball fighting ensued. when all the hootanany (sp) was coming to an end, several trashbags filled with water fell from the 8th floor. had they hit their targets bones would have broken and/or lives would have been lost. the penisless bastards who did it will pay dearly. anyway, now inside my hands have past the numb cold phase and are now in the awful hot itchy phase. you know, when all you can think about is tearing the flesh off your hands to stop the horrible irritation. this is a mistake however. anyone familiar with this situation knows better than to itch. if you itch it just ends up hurting more and for longer. so you must deal with it. it is awful. i spent 50 minutes writing this because of poor typing directly related to the aforementioned itchyness.

suckers were tricked while trying to access my blog.

the guy in the cubicle adjacent to mine is currently complaining to someone about how he has stolen all of these signs and now cant find a good way to get rid of the metal poles they come on. his current plan is to bury them in the woods. updates will be coming later. oh wait, this just in, i just heard him say he's going to have a yardsale to try and make some money off the pieces of stolen items he no longer wants. this man has several college degrees and this is his best plan? wow.

you know what i really want to happen? i want my evil boss dick durkot (yes, that is his real name) to ask me for partial results of the current experiment im doing and bitch about them because i havent had time to put them into a spreadsheet. then i want him to take the spreadsheet that i busted my ass to make and have him give me shit for a second time for not having it on his desk. next, i think it would be cool if he misinterpreted my clearly labeled columns and rows and made an ass of himself in a big meeting with his bosses. finally it would be sweet if he started lecturing me the second i get to work today about the stupid spreadsheet and pretend like it was my fault even after i clearly describe what my data table says. also it would be awesome if he made up some asanine reason to have me do another stupidly tedious experiment. not only that but he should smell like rotting meat and have a graying/balding mullet and a dirty mexican mustache.

i was recently notified that my virus definition has been automatically updated. although i was perfectly comfortable with the old list it is always nice to see that my computer is perpetually working on things i dont need, while i waste time reading maddox's website. i think instead it should work on not crapping out and giving me the evil blue screen. that would be a nice thing to do automatically. stupid dell. after pseudo busting my ass (in comparison to my usual half-ass effort) at work i spent the final hour of work looking for the cap to my pen. it fell off and i swear to god it evaporated. i looked for so long. the carpet was a similar color to the cap so i had to get on hands and knees and put my face 2 inches above the carpet. i didnt find it. last weekend, during thanksgiving break, i hung out with a lot of cool people and hot chicks and evidently forgot to mention them in a blog. i have since been hassled several times to write about them in here. here are some of the hot chicks i made drunken passes at: cassie chase, kati lary, angela muzzey, lindsay gibson, erika wood, kristen brown, danielle storti, britney mathers, jessica crowell, crystal tobin, and amanda parker. if a girl reads this who i have left out or if someone say me making a moron of myself in front of another girl please feel free to send me an IM about it.

p.s. the girl i really wanted to hang out with, wasnt there. or even in the state.

while pretending to work just now, i burst out in laughter, when over the low whisper of interoffice gossiping and click of keyboards i hear loud and clear "IM A COP YOU IDIOT" from one of those arnold swarzenaeger (sp) soundboards. which old balding scientist did it, i will not likely find out.

i just added a counter to my page as you may or may not have noticed. the glowing oranges numbers at the bottom is the counter, for the slow witted. i didnt pick an arbitrary number either, that is the counter number according to the YACCS so since i have put the comment thing in who knows how long ago, that is how many hits. not as impressive a number as jeff allens but were not in a competition right? actually we are and i will win if it means refreshing my own page 50 times a day to inflate my number.